Sister in Law and brother issues since having baby

[Lizahake]

Just looking for some advice from people who may have had a similar experience.
I have just had my first baby at 36. She is my parents’ first grandchild as my two brothers don’t have children yet.
My partner and I started trying for a baby at the exact time my brother and my sister in law did ( coincidentally).
I got pregnant after a few months and she got pregnant 6 months later.
Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. At this point in time I was nearly due to give birth. We all attended a family wedding at this time and she did not talk to me ( only very briefly and was very cold). This was very much out of character. She has not spoken to me since and has not contacted me since I gave birth to say congrats/ or check in on me and her niece. Sadly, my brother has also has very limited contact with me as a result.
I had a very traumatic birth and I live away from my family. It has not been easy for us and I am hurt that my brother and sister in law have not been in contact. Baby girl is 8 weeks old now.
we are a close knit family and there are rarely conflicts. I treat my sister in law like a sister and she is very much part of our family. My parents are struggling with this too as she feels this has created an unnecessary divide / resentment that need not be there.
I do understand that having a miscarriage must be awful but if the shoe were on the other foot, I would put this aside
and at the very least say congratulations.
my sister in law and I were by no means best mates, but we did stay in regular contact and enjoy time spent together. I feel the relationship will not be the same because of her resentment and don’t know what to do..

Thank you
i feel so much more reassured by what you’ve said about MN! my naivety with this forums like this I think. I too have had personal trauma and I know how I have and would treat others.

I don't think there is anything you can do. You just need to give them space and time. You and your baby are a constant reminder of what they don't have. Buying a gift is too hard. Socialising with you will mean they have to see or hear about your baby and that is too hard. Texting you means they have to think about your baby and that's too hard. I understand your baby's birth was traumatic (I've been there), but I imagine your sister-in-law is thinking what she wouldn't give to be recovering from that with a baby in her arms.

I am almost 4 years on from my miscarriage and I'm fortunate enough to have had 2 more children. But I still massively struggle around pregnant people and babies. I went to visit my best friend and her new baby when my little one was about 9 months old. The night before I had to text her to ask her not to make me hold him because I didn't feel I could cope. I didn't buy the baby a gift, and the card was a generic congratulations card as buying 'new baby' cards and gifts left me crying in the shops. I honestly don't think your brother and sister-in-law are being intentionally rude, I think they're doing all they can to protect themselves.

Bless her, she’s hurting. My BFF couldn’t speak to me for about 4 years after my first DC was born. We’d both had fertility issues but her’s were never resolved. I understood as I had been on the same journey for a few years. Give her time.

Just one further thought OP - I’m guessing it’s 3 months or so since your sil’s miscarriage? At that point and indeed until about 6 months after mine I was still intermittently bleeding and dealing with medical treatment for it.

People often assume miscarriages are quick but they can take absolutely AGES. I was naive about this too til I went through it. She may have still been miscarrying when you gave birth and/or still suffering physically now let alone mentally.

I’m sorry you’re hurt and you’re at a vulnerable time in your life too, but if they’re good friends and family members usually you just need to trust they’ll come back when they CAN.

It was an early miscarriage, most of these answers seem to be acting as if was a full term pregnancy or something.
at least one in five pregnancies end in m/c. It doesn't mean its ok to be horrible to other people and snub half your family.

I've had 5, most of them much later than 7 weeks. I didn't cut off anyone who had a baby. Where's the compassion for OP?

Your posts are very "me me me", you are being heartless, insensitive and unreasonable in your expectations of your DB and DSIL.

Your posts lack sensitivity and compassion for the loss and grief that they are living.

Give them space and time and stop with your unreasonable expectations of them.

I had a miscarriage a bit later than 7 weeks and certainly never thought my baby died as has been stated on here. I was very very upset that I wasn't pregnant anymore but I certainly didn't feel like I would have if I had a late miscarriage or stillbirth or god forbid my baby died.

I have also had a traumatic birth and if my sibling had left me to it and not even asked after me and my baby, I'd be very upset. It was a terrible experience - far worse than my miscarriage and I needed support much more then. The OP is allowed to be upset at her brother and SIL as much as they are allowed to have the grief reaction they do.

For what it's worth, OP, I suspect there is more going on than one early miscarriage. They took longer than you to conceive, haven't conceived again. I suspect they may be having trouble conceiving or maybe have had another miscarriage.

All I would do is stay in touch, not have any conversations about it, not push your daughter on them, in time, they may find it easier.

THIS

it's all about what you want

You've labelled her resentful. And yet claim you're upset the relationship isn't as close as you'd like

I think you would have got a very different response with the same situation had you posted with just an ounce of empathy.

It's not the scenario that's so upsetting to read. It's your attitude.

How do you know you'd "put everything aside' if the shoe were on the other foot? Just how?

It's very easy to say this if it hasn't happened to you. I imagine your sister in law, on top of a devastating loss, is finding your baby a constant reminder of what could have been for her. She'll be hurting so much. It's not you she's annoyed at, she doesn't resent you per se. It sounds like she's understandably just finding things a bit raw.

Give her time and don't place expectations on her/expect her to want to see the baby much honestly.

I think you're being insensitive.

@Lizahake
I have had 4 miscarriages and it not something you can brush aside, I hated seeing pregnant women new babies I avoided my new nephew for long enough, you will never know how you would feel or the pain unless you have been there

Oh come on it was a 7 week miscarriage people.

Yes they’re horrible. I had one at 9 weeks that was really unpleasant and I felt miserable and depressed as well as in pain and nursing dashed hopes.

But it didn’t mean I cut off friends and family. I saw a close friend who’d just had a baby and congratulated her and bought her a gift for the baby. As she did for me when I had a baby after she had a miscarriage after rounds and rounds of IVF having her second baby.

You’re not in the wrong OP, some people just make everything about themselves in every situation

Good God, your SiL had a miscarriage at only 7 weeks and she's behaving like this? I think her behaviour is ridiculous and you have every right to be upset about your brother & wife, OP.

They were very selfish and thoughtless not to contact you at all. I'd have trouble forgiving them if I were you.

And, before any of the sanctimonious amongst you start on at me, I had 2 miscarriages, one at 14 weeks which had me in hospital having a blood transfusion. I still wouldn't have behaved anything like OP's SiL.

I agree with @Thehonestbadger.

Miscarriage is not well enough understood, scientifically. As a consequence, it's not well enough understood socially or culturally. Miscarriage is a completely routine and mundane occurrence, in the same way that a successful pregnancy is a completely routine and mundane occurrence. Some people have more than their fair share of good and bad luck with each - just like anything else in life. But this is life. Making humans is such a miraculous thing, is it any wonder it goes wrong, and often?

The whole conversation around reproduction, from conception to birth, is so illegitimately loaded with false expectations and a lack of realism these days that we're now in a world where a woman who hasn't sent her SIL even a cursory congratulatory message on the birth of her child is given every allowance and accommodation because of a miscarriage some months ago. That's not reasonable or proportionate. Or, easy to forget.

@HermioneKipper
I would of handled my losses better if I already had a baby, think its more difficult when you have them trying for your first one, but then everyone takes things differently and grief hits people differently to, cause you felt OK dosnt mean other people will.

For those piling on here. I have the horrible grief of a late term TFMR of a much wanted + loved baby.

it was 4 years ago and I have since had another baby - but the grief still punches me in the gut in the dark of the night some times. And I still get huge anxiety around other people’s pregnancies.

BUT I remember my close friend sending me a message about 6 weeks afterwards saying “I know that other people’s baby news is hard to bear when you’re dealing with your own loss - but I am pregnant - and I love you + don’t need you to perform any sort of happiness dance for my benefit - but the last thing I want is for you to feel cut off or left out on top of managing big grief. I’ll keep checking in”

I cried. A lot. Some because of my grief - and a lot because I felt so seen and 'ok'd' in my feelings. And I gradually realised that I could simultaneously feel joy for my friends and grief for me.

I suspect your SIL feels a paralysing combo of grief for her loss + panic about her fertility + guilt for not feeling more engaged with your babe. Yes it’s true that in an ideal world people would be zen and behave perfectly in their grief. But humans are prone to being human….

I know it’s very hard (or it was for me at least) on the post partum roller coaster - to see the wood for the trees. But if you can put any latent indignation aside I would send her / your bro (who ever you closer to) a message saying something like….

“Hi, just reaching out to tell you I love you. That the story I’m telling myself is that I haven’t heard from you because this baby news is all really hard in the context of your own loss. I want you to know that I’m excited to see you whenever you feel up to it. And that, although I miss you + I don’t truly understand what you’re feeling - I don’t want you to feel any family pressure.

obviously if there is something I’ve done, please let me know so I can make it right. But I love you, and I’ll keep checking in - and I look forward to hearing from you when you’re ready.”

I Think I would want to go towards it and eliminate potential family whispers giving everyone the wrong end of the stick!

@Raincloudsonasunnyday Losing a much wanted baby is not a mundane occurrence on an individual level even if it is scientifically.

Humans are complicated creatures. We all grieve in different ways.

I've had three miscarriages and did have to distance myself from my brother and his wife for a few weeks when they announced their pregnancy which went on to be successful.

Everyone grieves differently and people also deal with miscarriages differently.

Given the timelines, she hasn't even got to what would have been her due date yet. Maybe she discovered other issues when she had her miscarriage (I know several instances where this applies).

She may not be able to meet you even if she wanted to. Right now, she's probably just doing what she needs to in order to cope. Things will most likely change in time. If she was a decent person before this, it's very plausible that she's just struggling right now. It may not even be jealousy or resentment, it just might be anxiety about how she'll react etc.

Give her time.

As someone who has never been pregnant, and doesn't even like children, I have to say you really don't come off particularly well in this thread.

"This has been very hard for me too"...I think you should really listen back to yourself.

They are not engaging with something that's upsetting. You are complaining you are not getting enough fuss and attention from them on the issue - I'm sure you are getting congratulations elswhere. Get over yourself.

Really agree with previous poster about reaching out. If she doesn't want to talk you just need to give it time.

OP sorry that people are really piling on you when you are postpartum and probably feeling quite vulnerable.

However infertility and loss can take you to a really dark place and you just need to not take it personally. I had a similar thing with my SIL and whilst I was lucky to have a baby after I don't know how I would have coped if we hadn’t been able to concieve again. I always think its best to remember we are all just bit parts in someone else's life.

Hopefully they will have a lovely baby soon and you will all be able to repair the relationship.
Enjoy your baby!

It is amazing how people extrapolate out from a post - I’m not aiming at the quoted one in particular but it is an example of filling in details that aren’t there in the OP. PP doesn’t know that the worst the OP is experiencing is not getting a card (and actually being cut off by people close to you is a little more than that) and doesn’t know anything about SIL’s behaviour beyond one adjective used about one occasion. I think this is why OP is getting upset about people making assumptions, with good reason IMO. No one can put every detail in a post as people wouldn’t read it, the amount of people who’ve jumped on her for “not even sending condolences” for example when she’s since clarified she did.

Can people just remember that this is someone post partum after a traumatic birth? While most posters have been been reasonably gentle, there are others who have been downright nasty.

This is a complex situation, and assumptions and insults don’t help at all.

I had a close friend who cut me and another friend off completely when we were pregnant, she had had miscarriages. I got it, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard. It’s not OP’s fault she had a healthy baby (though it sounds like that wasn’t completely smooth sailing) and to not even have an acknowledgement of the birth from your own brother must feel extremely difficult.

I do agree that you need to try and just give them time OP, but it’s totally understandable that you are finding this hard and hurtful.

Like I said I had one at 9 weeks when trying for my first.

People going on about their babies dying at this stage of pregnancy is mad, sorry if that sounds insensitive but it is. It’s insensitive to people who’ve suffered much later term losses.

I feel for anyone who’s had a miscarriage as it’s bloody awful. (Literally) but life doesn’t stop and it doesn’t mean you can’t be kind to your SIL who’s just had a traumatic birth for goodness sake

I'd give them some time. It hasn't been all that long and is probably really hard for her. I'm sure they will not be this distant forever.

Like @Pallisers and other PP, I've had several miscarriages between 6 and 12 weeks.

They are incredibly common, it's why people traditionally didn't tell people before the end of the first trimester. Up to 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and 80% of those are in the first 13 weeks. They surely were aware of this?

I think your SIL and brother are being rude and self-indulgent. Yes, they are hurt that the pregnancy didn't progress. That's very sad for them and I empathise - I've been there three times. I cried, I moved on.

Unless there's a drip feed of multiple losses and difficulties conceiving, refusing to acknowledge a sister's child because of a 7 week pregnancy ended is not normal, it's wallowing.

Give them time.

And actually I didn’t feel “ok.” I felt awful and miserable and cried a lot.

But as I said I didn’t refuse to see friends who’d had babies and cut them off.