Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Sister in Law and brother issues since having baby

223 replies

Lizahake · 02/10/2023 14:57

Just looking for some advice from people who may have had a similar experience.
I have just had my first baby at 36. She is my parents’ first grandchild as my two brothers don’t have children yet.
My partner and I started trying for a baby at the exact time my brother and my sister in law did ( coincidentally).
I got pregnant after a few months and she got pregnant 6 months later.
Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. At this point in time I was nearly due to give birth. We all attended a family wedding at this time and she did not talk to me ( only very briefly and was very cold). This was very much out of character. She has not spoken to me since and has not contacted me since I gave birth to say congrats/ or check in on me and her niece. Sadly, my brother has also has very limited contact with me as a result.
I had a very traumatic birth and I live away from my family. It has not been easy for us and I am hurt that my brother and sister in law have not been in contact. Baby girl is 8 weeks old now.
we are a close knit family and there are rarely conflicts. I treat my sister in law like a sister and she is very much part of our family. My parents are struggling with this too as she feels this has created an unnecessary divide / resentment that need not be there.
I do understand that having a miscarriage must be awful but if the shoe were on the other foot, I would put this aside
and at the very least say congratulations.
my sister in law and I were by no means best mates, but we did stay in regular contact and enjoy time spent together. I feel the relationship will not be the same because of her resentment and don’t know what to do..

OP posts:
RichardArmitagesWife · 03/10/2023 20:25

@lilacnightmares - my heart breaks for you.
It happened to a dear friend and the devastation was unimaginable.

JustAMinutePleass · 03/10/2023 20:26

As someone who has had early miscarriages I say she’s being very, very unfair on you & your DB is even worse for encouraging it. A miscarriage at 7-10 weeks is something I had three times without even realising it, the other three times they occured at the same time as various family / friends were pregnant too. It’s absolute ridiculous (and a bit cold) for her to be taking it out on your child like this. I bet if it had been her sister with the baby she wouldn’t have reacted like this - her parents would have talked some sense into her.

Iwasafool · 03/10/2023 20:31

neilyoungismyhero · 03/10/2023 18:57

Personally I don't think think it would be unreasonable for the OP's brother to have a quiet word with her to just say that both he and his wife are going through the worst time and for a while need to keep their distance. It would be understandable. If you're part of a family it doesn't seem right to just ghost other members who have done absolutely nothing wrong. Hopefully in time they will have their own child and what will they expect to happen then, I wonder - all the months of ignoring and ghosting all to be forgotten.

Personally I don't see why he would need to, I'd think anyone with a bit of self awareness would realise that they are upset and not up to playing happy families and yes when the day hopefully arrives when they have their baby I'd expect everyone to put this difficult time behind them as they are all adults.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
Surely2023IsTheYearForMyRainbowBaby · 03/10/2023 23:06

Ffs no wonder miscarriage is still such a taboo subject, when women are being told their loss doesn't actually matter because it wasn't even a baby if they miscarried at a certain gestation. I battled with 15 years of infertility before eventually falling pregnant and miscarrying 5 times. After my 4th loss my 9 week one I suffered with horrendous depression. I couldn't go into my bathroom for the first 6 months without having a panic attack because of the flash backs of all the blood on the bathroom floor. For months after when my period arrived that also triggered me as well. Just because we lost our Babies early. It doesn't mean we didn't have plans and hopes for the future. Even now 4 years on I'm still massively triggered by pregnancy announcements, by seeing newborn babies and seeing kids the same ages my Babies would've been now. Oh sorry the ages my 'bunch of cells' would've been now

ginandtonicwithlimes · 04/10/2023 06:52

RichardArmitagesWife · 03/10/2023 20:20

I’m so sorry for your struggles. That’s so painful.

As I said in my first comment, it’s a completely different situation if SIL and DB had repeated losses and the worry is they might not conceive or this is the nth loss.

Someone losing a first pregnancy so early isn’t comparable.

I very much hope you soon have the baby you dream of, and I wish you the very best. I don’t underestimate your pain at all.

Show quote history

I did. I have two through IVF but it shows how traumatic infertility is that it is compared to the stress of a cancer diagnosis. It never really leaves you. Why do you think women are suicidal due to it? It is perfectly normal to try to minimise your pain though by avoiding babies etc.

Edit. Thank you.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 04/10/2023 06:55

JustAMinutePleass · 03/10/2023 20:26

As someone who has had early miscarriages I say she’s being very, very unfair on you & your DB is even worse for encouraging it. A miscarriage at 7-10 weeks is something I had three times without even realising it, the other three times they occured at the same time as various family / friends were pregnant too. It’s absolute ridiculous (and a bit cold) for her to be taking it out on your child like this. I bet if it had been her sister with the baby she wouldn’t have reacted like this - her parents would have talked some sense into her.

You didn't realise? My 10 week miscarriage actually almost ended up in my husband calling an ambulance. Pretty sure that isn't unusual. Luckily the bleeding slowed down. A very early one just after your period I can understand missing it.

Scirocco · 04/10/2023 08:04

Wait, according to your timeline, the wedding was very soon after their loss and your baby was born just a few weeks after that? And you're struggling to see why they seemed a bit off??

They're likely still in the acute stages of grief. Give them time and don't make this about you.

Tourmalines · 04/10/2023 09:57

Grief is one thing , but cold treatment is another.

SirChenjins · 04/10/2023 13:23

Tourmalines · 04/10/2023 09:57

Grief is one thing , but cold treatment is another.

Grief does funny things to us and makes us behave in ways that we wouldn't normally. I imagine that attending a family wedding soon after losing a much wanted pregnancy wasn't exactly a joy for them and the SIL probably didn't feel much like making conversation.

Tourmalines · 04/10/2023 21:40

SirChenjins · 04/10/2023 13:23

Grief does funny things to us and makes us behave in ways that we wouldn't normally. I imagine that attending a family wedding soon after losing a much wanted pregnancy wasn't exactly a joy for them and the SIL probably didn't feel much like making conversation.

Edited
Show quote history

It’s not just the wedding , it’s the treatment so far . It’s cruel .

SirChenjins · 05/10/2023 06:39

As I said, grief doesn’t funny things. The OP has other support - the SIL does not have a role to fulfill here.

Tourmalines · 05/10/2023 08:40

Well with that attitude, hope you realise you get what you give . Don’t forget it .

SirChenjins · 05/10/2023 09:54

What on earth do you mean?! You honestly believe the SIL has to actively support the OP, despite having had a miscarriage and the OP going on to give birth? Why - because she’s a female member of the family? Or does your ire extend to the OP’s brother as well?

Tiredalwaystired · 05/10/2023 10:05

SirChenjins · 05/10/2023 09:54

What on earth do you mean?! You honestly believe the SIL has to actively support the OP, despite having had a miscarriage and the OP going on to give birth? Why - because she’s a female member of the family? Or does your ire extend to the OP’s brother as well?

Edited

While I was sitting at my grandmothers bedside in her last days, I got a phone call to say my best friend’s wife had died.

Funnily enough I didn’t say “I’m dealing with my own shit, I owe you nothing.”

it is possible to be having a horrific time yourself and still show up for others.

SirChenjins · 05/10/2023 11:17

Funnily enough, the OP's SIL hasn't said "I'm dealing with my own shit, I owe you nothing" either.

Tourmalines · 05/10/2023 11:22

SirChenjins · 05/10/2023 09:54

What on earth do you mean?! You honestly believe the SIL has to actively support the OP, despite having had a miscarriage and the OP going on to give birth? Why - because she’s a female member of the family? Or does your ire extend to the OP’s brother as well?

Edited

Op isn’t looking for any ACTIVE support or any type of ROLE play as you put it, from her . The issue is snobbing her off so insensitively . To not even acknowledge the birth with a simple phone call, never mind they haven’t see the baby yet . But just one simple act of acknowledgment to welcome would only take a few mins . That’s the issue . No need for such coldness !

Tourmalines · 05/10/2023 11:23

SirChenjins · 05/10/2023 11:17

Funnily enough, the OP's SIL hasn't said "I'm dealing with my own shit, I owe you nothing" either.

She may as well have .

SirChenjins · 05/10/2023 11:27

And so might the brother. You haven't answered my earlier question about that I notice.

Whilst it would have been nice, it hasn't happened. The OP needs to move on and focus on her baby whilst getting the support she needs from everyone else in her life - her parents, her friends, the professionals looking after her. The SIL isn't able to give her anything at the moment.

Tourmalines · 05/10/2023 11:40

SirChenjins · 05/10/2023 11:27

And so might the brother. You haven't answered my earlier question about that I notice.

Whilst it would have been nice, it hasn't happened. The OP needs to move on and focus on her baby whilst getting the support she needs from everyone else in her life - her parents, her friends, the professionals looking after her. The SIL isn't able to give her anything at the moment.

Edited

About the brother, the answer is the same as the SIL . No , he doesn’t have to play an ACTIVE part or any type of ROLE play either . He doesn’t have to do anything. He did apparently touch base but not in person .I’m guessing this is more down to a sisterly bond op had with her SIL and now the lack of . Surely you’ve heard of sisterly love ?? Anyway , sure op will move on .

SirChenjins · 05/10/2023 11:45

The OP treats her like a sister - but she also says they were by no means best mates. The SIL obviously does not feel that bond at the moment and that’s fine - she doesn’t have to.

Tourmalines · 05/10/2023 11:52

Yea, the SIL is dealing with her own shit and owes her nothing . I’m sure op gets the picture. Whatever will be , will be .

Tiredalwaystired · 05/10/2023 11:57

SirChenjins · 05/10/2023 11:17

Funnily enough, the OP's SIL hasn't said "I'm dealing with my own shit, I owe you nothing" either.

my point was the following line, not that one. It is possible to support other people when you’re having a bad time yourself.

SirChenjins · 05/10/2023 12:03

Sometimes it’s possible - and other times it’s just not. There are other people who are able to support the OP at this time and she should focus on them.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page