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Original poster

Sister in Law and brother issues since having baby

223 replies

Lizahake · 02/10/2023 14:57

Just looking for some advice from people who may have had a similar experience.
I have just had my first baby at 36. She is my parents’ first grandchild as my two brothers don’t have children yet.
My partner and I started trying for a baby at the exact time my brother and my sister in law did ( coincidentally).
I got pregnant after a few months and she got pregnant 6 months later.
Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. At this point in time I was nearly due to give birth. We all attended a family wedding at this time and she did not talk to me ( only very briefly and was very cold). This was very much out of character. She has not spoken to me since and has not contacted me since I gave birth to say congrats/ or check in on me and her niece. Sadly, my brother has also has very limited contact with me as a result.
I had a very traumatic birth and I live away from my family. It has not been easy for us and I am hurt that my brother and sister in law have not been in contact. Baby girl is 8 weeks old now.
we are a close knit family and there are rarely conflicts. I treat my sister in law like a sister and she is very much part of our family. My parents are struggling with this too as she feels this has created an unnecessary divide / resentment that need not be there.
I do understand that having a miscarriage must be awful but if the shoe were on the other foot, I would put this aside
and at the very least say congratulations.
my sister in law and I were by no means best mates, but we did stay in regular contact and enjoy time spent together. I feel the relationship will not be the same because of her resentment and don’t know what to do..

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 03/10/2023 17:49

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 17:31

It’s a baby to the woman/couple who have lost it

And it's not, actually, to a large number of us. Don't tell us how we feel.

To a large number? Can you link to this evidence please?

Likewise, don’t tell others how they feel.

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 17:51

SirChenjins · 03/10/2023 17:49

To a large number? Can you link to this evidence please?

Likewise, don’t tell others how they feel.

Show quote history

I didn't. You did. I'm telling you not to. You don't speak for me.

SirChenjins · 03/10/2023 17:51

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 17:31

You wouldn't say any of those things. You'd say "sorry for your loss".
Although actually, almost everyone says nothing at all, in my experience. Which often is better. Other people putting their ideas all over your loss doesn't help.

Show quote history

It might not have helped your loss - speak only for yourself.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
SirChenjins · 03/10/2023 17:52

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 17:51

I didn't. You did. I'm telling you not to. You don't speak for me.

Show quote history

Evidence of this large number please.

cellarst · 03/10/2023 17:53

She's a self centred cow. You've had a traumatic birth and are being denied any support from them. We don't all get the same things at the same time but we do celebrate others joy. Your brother is also sacrificing his relationship with his niece. I can see her being upset and a bit distant but she's acting terribly.

SirChenjins · 03/10/2023 18:00

Why is it the responsibility of the OP’s brother and sister-in-law to support her? What an odd thing to say.

RedToothBrush · 03/10/2023 18:04

SirChenjins · 03/10/2023 18:00

Why is it the responsibility of the OP’s brother and sister-in-law to support her? What an odd thing to say.

Edited

It's not.

It's a traumatic birth. Which the OP needs specialist mental health and physical health support with not the interference of relatives over.

RichardArmitagesWife · 03/10/2023 18:05

SirChenjins · 03/10/2023 17:52

Evidence of this large number please.

Show quote history

@whatnot929 speaks for me, and for a good number of my friends.

We didn’t lose a baby; it’s incredibly insulting to women who do lose their babies to claim an embryo is in the same league. It’s not.

What we lost was a potential life; a dream, and all the hopes bound up in that. It hurt. All three times, it hurt. It hurt my 3 friends, my SIL, my cousin. But we didn’t descend into hyperbole about it.

It’s not the devastation of losing a baby. Have some respect and empathy for those who actually lose a child.

SirChenjins · 03/10/2023 18:10

That’s still not large numbers @RichardArmitagesWife . If someone is going to make a claim about how large numbers of women feel then they need to be able to substantiate that.

It’s important to recognise that everyone experiences miscarriage (because that’s what this thread is about) and in very different ways and there is no more or less validity across that lived experience.

RichardArmitagesWife · 03/10/2023 18:21

@SirChenjins I agree that anecdote is not data, but I’ve only known one woman to talk about in those terms at 5-10 weeks, and she had what I can only describe as form for melodrama.

I think possibly it’s generational - perhaps where I see pragmatic stoicism and misfortune you see a cold heart and tragedy.

It’s nature - 25% of positive pregnancies fail to develop. Not every seed germinates, not every chick survives, not every embryo develops fully.

(edited for an annoying typo)

SirChenjins · 03/10/2023 18:27

Melodrama? Please don’t attempt to use age an excuse for that kind of language - and believe me when I say stoicism is not what I see.

Nature does lots of things that cause immense sadness - that doesn’t mean the grief is any less.

applesandmares · 03/10/2023 18:43

@RichardArmitagesWife "it’s incredibly insulting to women who do lose their babies to claim an embryo is in the same league. It’s not."

When you refer to women who lose their babies, do you mean women who have children and then they die in infancy or women who have late miscarriages?

TomatoSandwiches · 03/10/2023 18:43

Grief isn't an excuse for rudeness imo although I would give some grace to the behaviour at the wedding I probably would step back a bit and unfortunately leave them to it.

You aren't the problem here, they've decided to ignore a new niece being born, they aren't emotionally mature enough to separate the events and there is nothing you can do about that.

I'm sure when or if they have a baby they will expect so much support and things to be back to normal, hopefully they will remember their behaviour and apologise but I wouldn't count on it.

neilyoungismyhero · 03/10/2023 18:57

Personally I don't think think it would be unreasonable for the OP's brother to have a quiet word with her to just say that both he and his wife are going through the worst time and for a while need to keep their distance. It would be understandable. If you're part of a family it doesn't seem right to just ghost other members who have done absolutely nothing wrong. Hopefully in time they will have their own child and what will they expect to happen then, I wonder - all the months of ignoring and ghosting all to be forgotten.

heartdog · 03/10/2023 19:11

You're getting a hard time op. HatinaCat brother and sister in law did not lose a baby, sil had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. Of course it hurts and they will be vulnerable to seeing successful pregnancies and birth. The desire to have a baby can be all consuming but to say they lost a baby is not comparable to people who go through late miscarriages/ still births or neonatal deaths.
Yes, they are hurting but they are putting their pain over the huge life event that has happened to op and are not trying to maintain supportive family relationships. I know siblings where one had losses and the other successful births and they still managed to be kind and close and supportive of each other as family should be. I'm sure sil would be horrified if you failed to acknowledge her baby when hopefully one arrives. Be kind to yourself op , you can't control how others behave but you're not unreasonable to feel hurt by their lack of recognition of their niece.

RichardArmitagesWife · 03/10/2023 19:21

SirChenjins · 03/10/2023 18:27

Melodrama? Please don’t attempt to use age an excuse for that kind of language - and believe me when I say stoicism is not what I see.

Nature does lots of things that cause immense sadness - that doesn’t mean the grief is any less.

Edited

If you can’t acknowledge a niece and support your sister/SIL 3+ months after a 7 week miscarriage, then yes, you are a bit focused on your own stuff to an unhealthy degree.

I have been through it three damned times, and it didn’t prevent me from supporting friends and family with babies.

SirChenjins · 03/10/2023 19:33

Acknowledging a niece, yes, of course that would be a lovely thing to do, but it’s certainly not the job of the OP’s SIL to support her. However, I don’t judge the behaviour of anyone who’s had a miscarriage - for all the OP knows this might be one of several or many and they might have been told they can’t have children. She has no way of knowing what’s really going on, and so all she can and should do at this stage is to focus on enjoying her baby and get the support she needs from her parents, her close friends and the professionals.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 03/10/2023 19:40

RichardArmitagesWife · 03/10/2023 19:21

If you can’t acknowledge a niece and support your sister/SIL 3+ months after a 7 week miscarriage, then yes, you are a bit focused on your own stuff to an unhealthy degree.

I have been through it three damned times, and it didn’t prevent me from supporting friends and family with babies.

Show quote history

That is you though. By about the fourth year of TTC and just about to start IVF I didn't want to know or speak with anyone pregnant.

lilacnightmares · 03/10/2023 19:43

Yanbu.

I had a traumatic pre term Labour at 23 weeks. My son came out and survived for 7 hours then passed away. I died in Labour and had to have 6 blood transfusions.

2 weeks later, my brother and sister in law did a gender reveal. (I was unaware they was expecting) I couldn't attend as I lived hours away but before I could even congratulate them (both our second babies so not firsts) I received a voice message. Basically gloating how he's getting a son and his exact words were "FUCK YES WERE GETTING A BOY WOO IN EVERYONES FACE" I just said congratulations and then he put the phone down. I put it down as excitement as I'm not one to dwell on social media so he probably assumed I was doing okay.

I still managed to congratulate them when my nephew was born a few weeks after my sons original due date and send gifts, because I lost MY baby, their baby was not a reminder for me because he is there's!

They are fucking pricks to not congratulate you tbh.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/10/2023 20:03

ginandtonicwithlimes · 03/10/2023 19:40

That is you though. By about the fourth year of TTC and just about to start IVF I didn't want to know or speak with anyone pregnant.

Show quote history

You should have had some therapy for the way you felt, it was unreasonable to think it acceptable.

RichardArmitagesWife · 03/10/2023 20:20

ginandtonicwithlimes · 03/10/2023 19:40

That is you though. By about the fourth year of TTC and just about to start IVF I didn't want to know or speak with anyone pregnant.

Show quote history

I’m so sorry for your struggles. That’s so painful.

As I said in my first comment, it’s a completely different situation if SIL and DB had repeated losses and the worry is they might not conceive or this is the nth loss.

Someone losing a first pregnancy so early isn’t comparable.

I very much hope you soon have the baby you dream of, and I wish you the very best. I don’t underestimate your pain at all.

Iwasafool · 03/10/2023 20:22

BethDuttonsTwin · 03/10/2023 13:36

@Iwasafool

"I had a very traumatic birth and I live away from my family. It has not been easy for us"

That's exactly my point, you and I had traumatic births but it affected us in different ways. The OPs SIL had a miscarriage and it is pointless other people saying she should feel a certain way, it doesn't work like that. The fact that I was over the trauma the minute my baby was in my arms, groggy as I was from the GA, doesn't mean someone else should have PTSD. There isn't a right way to feel about these things.

SirChenjins · 03/10/2023 20:22

TomatoSandwiches · 03/10/2023 20:03

You should have had some therapy for the way you felt, it was unreasonable to think it acceptable.

Show quote history

It wasn’t unreasonable at all. By means suggest that therapy might be able to support women who are struggling with infertility but the latter part of that sentence was just unnecessary.

Mistressanne · 03/10/2023 20:23

lilacnightmares · 03/10/2023 19:43

Yanbu.

I had a traumatic pre term Labour at 23 weeks. My son came out and survived for 7 hours then passed away. I died in Labour and had to have 6 blood transfusions.

2 weeks later, my brother and sister in law did a gender reveal. (I was unaware they was expecting) I couldn't attend as I lived hours away but before I could even congratulate them (both our second babies so not firsts) I received a voice message. Basically gloating how he's getting a son and his exact words were "FUCK YES WERE GETTING A BOY WOO IN EVERYONES FACE" I just said congratulations and then he put the phone down. I put it down as excitement as I'm not one to dwell on social media so he probably assumed I was doing okay.

I still managed to congratulate them when my nephew was born a few weeks after my sons original due date and send gifts, because I lost MY baby, their baby was not a reminder for me because he is there's!

They are fucking pricks to not congratulate you tbh.

Your db sounds like a knob tbh.
If my ds did that to my dd I’d be giving him a huge telling off.

Iwasafool · 03/10/2023 20:24

RichardArmitagesWife · 03/10/2023 18:21

@SirChenjins I agree that anecdote is not data, but I’ve only known one woman to talk about in those terms at 5-10 weeks, and she had what I can only describe as form for melodrama.

I think possibly it’s generational - perhaps where I see pragmatic stoicism and misfortune you see a cold heart and tragedy.

It’s nature - 25% of positive pregnancies fail to develop. Not every seed germinates, not every chick survives, not every embryo develops fully.

(edited for an annoying typo)

Edited

My 90 year old aunt still talks about the babies she lost so I don't think it is generational. My gran who would be 123 if she was still alive grieved for her lost babies till the day she died.