Sister in Law and brother issues since having baby

[Lizahake]

Just looking for some advice from people who may have had a similar experience.
I have just had my first baby at 36. She is my parents’ first grandchild as my two brothers don’t have children yet.
My partner and I started trying for a baby at the exact time my brother and my sister in law did ( coincidentally).
I got pregnant after a few months and she got pregnant 6 months later.
Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. At this point in time I was nearly due to give birth. We all attended a family wedding at this time and she did not talk to me ( only very briefly and was very cold). This was very much out of character. She has not spoken to me since and has not contacted me since I gave birth to say congrats/ or check in on me and her niece. Sadly, my brother has also has very limited contact with me as a result.
I had a very traumatic birth and I live away from my family. It has not been easy for us and I am hurt that my brother and sister in law have not been in contact. Baby girl is 8 weeks old now.
we are a close knit family and there are rarely conflicts. I treat my sister in law like a sister and she is very much part of our family. My parents are struggling with this too as she feels this has created an unnecessary divide / resentment that need not be there.
I do understand that having a miscarriage must be awful but if the shoe were on the other foot, I would put this aside
and at the very least say congratulations.
my sister in law and I were by no means best mates, but we did stay in regular contact and enjoy time spent together. I feel the relationship will not be the same because of her resentment and don’t know what to do..

I'm no stranger to grief. But seriously, it didn't have to make it impossible to post a congratulations card to a sibling.

Brother and SIL had an early miscarriage. It's distressing of course, but it doesn't mean that they have to be actively cold to a family member, or refuse to send a card. I'm sorry, but it doesn't.

It'd cut someone who had a late stillbirth a lot more slack, but we all know that early miscarriages are sadly very common. If everyone who had one refused to have anything to do with their own sibling for months after the birth of a niece or nephew, there'd be not much hope for most families.

OP's brother at least, should be engaging with her, even if it's from a distance.

Fuck me. Empathy bypass much

If you want a good relationship with your sister in law like you say you do how about putting yourself in her shoes and let her grieve.

And what about your brother? Why aren't you as pissed off with him?

I think a lot of people are being very harsh here. The SIL was barely pregnant (I understand I'll get shot for this comment) but let's get into the land of the living. They have missed out on their niece who is here, and affected the closeness of the family, this is something you won't get back.
Hope things improve soon OP x

Give her time. I was pregnant at sane time as my sister in law - babies woukd have more or less had same birthday.

I miscarried she had a healthy baby.

I never recovered after being forced by husband to smile through christening, Xmas , birthdays etc - all babies first that I didn’t have.

please give her time - it’s hard and I totally get it’s hard for you to but patience really will help here

Was struck by this, OP, in @Gazelda’s post: You've both been through your own difficulties. But you've got a lovely baby to help you recover from yours. She has aching arms.
Give it time…

Shit. Didn't realise there was a cut off point for grief.

How old does the foetus have to be to qualify?

Let us know. Because I'm sure there are plenty of women here who've had miscarriages who've been doing it wrong all these years.

I get that miscarriages are really dreadful to experience. I had one myself many years ago. But it’s absolutely awful that your brother and his wife are acting this way. A simple card, or text congratulating you surely wouldn’t cause them distress fgs. And I’m assuming they will still be trying to conceive, and should they be successful, how would they feel if you ignored the birth of their much wanted child? It’s no doubt soured your experience of pregnancy and birth when close family members have acted like this. Congratulations on the birth of your baby, and don’t let their negativity bring you down.

To ignore the birth of their niece in this way is unforgivable. My mother died last year, but I still visit my MIL, and don’t ostracise her just because I no longer have my own mother.

I see 2 sides to this. One hand - they have lost their baby. They are grieving, possibly having issues conceiving again or may even have lost again. It hurts that you have what they desperately want.

However, grief shouldn't lead to you treating people badly. I would have still thought they should post something to you, and maybe a message saying they love you but all is a bit raw. That's understandable. This only really becomes an issue going forward with how they act. For example, if they expect OP not to be invited to family christmas because it's too upsetting for them, ignoring the babies existance. It wouldn't be fair if they expected the family to distance themselves and not celebrate OPs daughter in the name of support, especially if they are then able to conceive and suddenly want to play happy families after and expect OP and everyone else to come to showers and send gifts and make a fuss of their miracle baby when they ignored OPs daughter entirely.

Give it some more time, hopefully it gets better. This year is probably going to be very very hard for them. Based on the numbers you gave, she should have been very pregnant at Christmas, it will be hard for them this year. Their babies due date. Your daughters first birthday. Don't expect it to go back to how it used to be.

This

@Livelovebehappy the op hasn't said they've ignored the birth. Just that they haven't had as much contact.

She has labelled the sister in law as resentful. I don't see a resentful person. Just one grieving.

I am so sorry for your loss.

It's only been a year since mine and sometimes it's still raw, even though I'm pregnant now and it's going well. My anxiety is still through the roof sometimes. I was lucky that my DH was 100% by my side when it happened, no clue if I would have survived this without his support and love. I tried very hard not to get depression and I think I was very lucky - not everyone is, though.

It's still hard to talk about this, and, at the time, my best friend was pregnant so I pushed her away. I pushed her away because it was either her, or my mental health.

Grief is complex and everyone grieves differently.

I imagine, OP, it must be very hard for you to understand, I get it, but trust me, she is not doing it on purpose.

Shit happens - friendship is 2 way and one person does not get to monopolise all the sympathy when things are bad in each others lives.

It’s sad that they lost the baby but 7 weeks is nothing ( &that is my personal experience before anyone has a go ) . Give her time to come round, just be mindful she isn’t that supportive when things are difficult for you.

The worst thing you are experiencing is not getting a card from them (I’m sure you have had many many many cards of congratulations from others).

The worst thing they are experiencing is the death of their baby. & the thought that they might never carry a baby to full term.

It disgusts me to see people say they are “rude” and it “takes nothing to send a card”. It’s one of the worst thing about British culture that we are supposed to set aside the most difficult of emotions lest we appear “rude” to close family members.

SIL did not “treat OP badly”. She was cold (not mean, not nasty…cold) at a wedding she had to attend and likely absolutely did not want to. I’m sure she was doing her absolute best in that moment but would have rather kept her distance.

Side note…an 8 week old miscarriage is not an “early” miscarriage to the PP who said it was. By 8 weeks baby has a heartbeat and most miscarriages happen before that. They may well have already had a private scan and seen their baby and listened to their heartbeat.

you are very much mistaken
this is not about ‘ a card’
This is about a relationship

This!
I've had a miscarriage in the past and sad as it was I didn't use it as an excuse behave badly to other members of the family. Whatever happened to putting on a brave face?

This is almost my experience. Both myself and SIL struggled to conceive. Then I did and she didnt. She found it difficult to talk to me for a few weeks which was absolutely understandable. Then she got pregnant and it was all good again. Our babies were due about six weeks apart. But at about 23 weeks (I think) she had a horribly traumatic miscarriage. And my baby was pretty imminent. There was nothig I could say or do.

she struggled massively. She wouldnt acknowledge my baby at all. Family gatherings were really quite tense. No birthday or Christmas presents.

She did eventually get pregnant again but didn’t begin to acknowledge our daughter until after her son was born.

Fifteen years on they do have quite a nice relationship but I was so hurt in that first year or so. There was an awful lot of tongue biting and a lot of secretly crying from me as it hurt so much. I just tried very hard to be the grown up in the room and understand it came from a place of pain even though she was downright spiteful sometimes.

Miscarriage and infertility are cruel and people respond however they respond. It’s absolutely awful being on the receiving end though.

As others have said, give them time - they’re grieving at the moment and it’s all still very raw. I know you said you’ve experienced loss and grief, but I wonder if that’s included the loss of a much wanted baby? We lost our third child and it was heartbreaking - we were upset for a lot longer than we expected to be. The thing is, for all you know they might have had recurrent losses, or might have been trying for a longer time than they told you, or might be faced with news that they can’t conceive, or any number of things you’re not party to. It’s easy to say that you’d do x,y or z in a certain situation but until you’ve been there you just don’t know. Just give them space and time, and hopefully things will improve in time - but be sensitive and be aware that this is a huge loss for them.

I know everyone is different but from my experience I too had a miscarriage similar time (8 weeks) and whilst I was devastated at the time I can’t imagine blanking my family like this. I think there should be perhaps more empathy on your part but they too should really have reached out to you to offer congratulations on the birth of their niece, despite them hurting deeply. Hopefully in time they’ll come around.

I can’t believe you think this couple ought to be the ones to support you after a difficult birth 😳

It’s a very insensitive expectation, you don’t seem to realise that.

I’m lucky to have never experienced a miscarriage. I do however have a nephew who was conceived, born and celebrated a first birthday while on the infertility pathway myself. We did still send cards and gifts but honestly I had to leave that to my DP. If your brother is the (common) type of man who is thoughtless and doesn’t do these things I can see how you didn’t receive anything.

Focus on your lovely new baby and how lucky you are to have them.

They both sound very nasty.

Its understandable if she didn’t want to be around you all of the time but she could have the decency to send you a text saying that she hoped you and the baby are well etc and explain that she’s sorry but it’s just too hard for her to see you right now.
Your brother can do the same too.

This would be almost unforgivable for me.

I would have to text them and call them out on their behaviour.
Just because someone’s grieving doesn’t mean they can act like a dick.

Yes your SIL is being unfair on you. In real life shit things happen and we get on with it. Your baby is not the baby that she miscarried. And then to not congratulate you or check in with you after huge life event is hard to look past.

I've had a miscarriage myself, I don't think I'm being heartless, I know it's hard, but also the world goes on, and life doesn't revolve around any one person.
My own sil was very similar and stopped bil seeing niece for quite a while. Wouldn't be in the same house as us. Things only improved when she had her baby. But I still remember, and think she acted inappropriately for an adult.

@Lizahake

I’m cringing for you. It’s so hit and miss with MN as to whether you get a measured reasonable set of responses like you could imagine being said over coffee with a bunch of other women, or an onslaught of abuse from rather intense keyboard warriors. Needless to say which way this thread has gone.

I have a fabulous therapist friend and she said something, from her years of experience, that I think applies to this situation. ‘Following trauma people may feel and behave as they wish but when the ash settles they must understand they will still be accountable for their actions during that time.’

Essentially that whilst it’s right to offer compassion to someone who has experienced trauma and overlook small unusual behaviours and some disconnection it’s certainly not a free pass to treat people awfully. Other peoples feelings do not go on hold because you’re having a bad time of things and part of being an adult is understanding that.
Being a bit cold and distant at the wedding, probably not a big deal, understandable really.
Not having the courtesy to send you a message congratulating you on the birth of your child- or even just an ‘I’m sorry but I’m really struggling since X and I just need some space. I hope you can’t understand and that things can be better again in time’ message. That’s crap.

The issue with people like this is that in a year or two (usually after they have their rainbow baby) they’ll completely ignore how they treated you during this time and just expect you to forget and never mention it or hold any sort of grudge.

Fwiw I have experienced great personal trauma and still managed to treat people around me with basic kindness. Even when it was HARD.

I did not say anyone should be supporting me because of my birth
where did I say that ?
my point was that this has been very hard for me too.. not a walk in the park. No smugness about how wonderful everything is.

You're certainly not coming across as very caring or compassionate on here. If you take the same approach with DB and SIL, I can understand why they might be cold.