Struggling with my baby's appearance

[Mimi123456]

I have struggled with my baby's appearance since the day she was born. From the moment they handed her to me, I thought she was funny looking but didn't mind as I know so many newborns can be and reassured myself that she would grow into her looks like most babies do. She is now 4.5 months and honestly sticks out like a sore thumb at every baby group we go to/park/farm etc. I have definitely struggled with PND this time round so that's part of the reason I haven't bonded with her but I know it is also down to her looks. It sounds SO awful and shallow I know, but I have eyes and know that she looks so different to all the other babies I see. She is so pale it makes her look ill and has very unfortunate shaped eyes, so things I don't feel will improve as she grows up. Babies are supposed to appear cute to their parents so that they naturally want to do all they can to help them, love them and give them everything they need. I desperately want to feel like this about her but when I look at her I just feel so disappointed that she looks the way she does, when I'd never expected her to. I wasn't expecting a model-like baby, just a baby that looks like most others. I feel like if I, her mother, feel like this about her, what on earth do other people think when they look at her and I worry about the life-long negative effects her appearance will have for her. I feel she'd be a lot better off without me here but if I did ever do anything stupid I would hate to leave my husband to have to parent alone. Sorry to put this all on here, just not many people I can speak to about this. I have spoken to a therapist but he didn't really help.. I'm not sure there's much that can help as it's not like anyone can change the situation.

Thank you for your comment, I promise I will be making an appointment with the GP as soon as they open on Monday, although I am anxious to share my honest thoughts with them x

Don't worry about sharing your thoughts, as you can see from here, it's normal and they'll have heard it all before.

@Mimi123456 please don’t be. It can feel like an awful thing to talk about but I promise you you will feel relieved. I cried my eyes out when I eventually went to the GP and was convinced they would tell me I was being stupid etc but they were so kind. Just be completely honest with how fixated you are and how it’s dominating your thoughts.
will you come back and let us know how you get on?

I thought my baby was hideous. I remember thinking she looked different, she didn't look like other babies, something isn't right, etc. etc. I look back at the photos now and she was perfectly ordinary/cute enough (she didn't have any eyelashes or eyebrows, which maybe added to the odd look?). I was severely depressed and just shocked by the whole birth experience; I also wasn't getting on with my partner and possibly she reminded me of him. She's now 8 and perfectly attractive. I still remember how disconnected I felt (and worry it will happen again re PND, which is how I ended up on this page). For what it's worth, with my son I didn't have PND and didn't feel anything one way or the other about his appearance, he looked "generic baby." Looking back at the photos, he was way less cute than she was, properly uncle Fester looking, and I didn't really see it, or if I did it didn't bother me... which shows me it probably was my depression talking and not how they looked. Anyway...now both look perfectly ordinary looking/attractive but I actually still notice on days that I'm struggling with parenting and with life that they look less cute to me and that I'm more likely to find fault (internally! not said to them) with their appearance or something about them. It must be connected. Sending love.

My son was born with a long, skinny body and a particularly long neck. He was chinless (aren’t they all?!), had a big nose, massive eyes, hair around the sides of his head but was bald on top. His cousins were born not long before and after him and they were so cute. All chubby and just cute. They’re only toddlers now but it’s amazing how much they have changed. The change happened around his first birthday but looking at photos, it was very gradual. They’re cute but my son is strikingly handsome. I get stopped so often by people who comment on his looks. I can see it too, but he’s only little so we’ll see how it goes. He’s an odd mixture of recessive genes so looks absolutely nothing like us. I was worried about how he would look but they do grow into their looks. I was a very, very cute baby and I’m definitely not pretty, so don’t focus too much on looks. I’m still happy and loved though.

I fixated on my toddlers looks in a negative way when my youngest baby was born. I had a rough time postpartum, lots of health anxiety and I think this was randomly something I started worrying about. I didn't voice it to anyone. 6 months later I think she's absolutely gorgeous as I did before! I just lost the plot for a bit!

Hi all,
I am the original poster, I just recently changed my username on here. Some of you messaged me to ask how I was getting on since this post so thought I'd send the reply on here. As recommended I have spoken to my GP and have been referred to many different departments, perimental teams, and others. The people I have spoken with have been very kind but they obviously have to type up all notes of the conversations we've had which I've found extremely hard to know is recorded, next to my official NHS records. They even sent me a document detailing everything discussed which was extremely hard to read, and know that is stored somewhere (presumably for the rest of my life) next to my name and all health records. To be completely honest none of the people I've spoken to have really helped and I still feel exactly the same about my baby. She is 7 months now and still looks SO different to all other babies I see. I will start taking the AD medication I've been prescribed soon but really doubt it will change much as it's not going to change the way she looks. I am so, so worried for her future, it's all I can think of, 24 hours a day. I wanted to flag the issue of having the notes all typed up in case anyone else on here experiences intense anxiety about things and may have the same fear about speaking to a professional - It's probably worsened how I've been feeling knowing that it's written up. I am interested in contacting a separate therapist privately as I feel those records would be more confidential and I could even use a different name that way.

Lastly, I do want to thank everyone who has commented on my post. Reading through these (regularly) is probably the only thing that helps me feel better, so thank you, so much 💕

@MumMum1234 It does sound like medication might really help you if you're obsessing about this 24/7. If one med doesn't help you, please go back and try something else, there are dozens of things they can try so they will find something to help you.

It's very unlikely any doctor will read back over that stuff in months/years to come. They mainly just look at some very basic stuff like any diagnoses or meds the person is on. They don't have the time or reason to read back over that much stuff usually. So while it is technically in your notes it's unlikely to be viewed again much. Each time you go they'll ask you how you are at that moment and work from that.

By all means have private therapy- if you don't get on with one therapist(s) then try another.

But you have post natal anxiety or something; it's really not that rare to experience that in one form or another. It's nothing you have to fear is so dreadful for professionals to know about.

@Mimi123456 Hello,

I know you posted this 3 years ago but I would love to hear how you feel now and if your baby's appearance improved ? I'm exactly feeling the same as you posted. I just relate to this 100%. My baby is 4 months and I hate the way he looks. I worry so much about his look that I'm mentally unwell. I'm now under sertraline and will start a therapy soon. It must be PND. It's hard to think and feel like this. I cry about it everyday. An update would really help to see how bonding and appearance changed with your baby. This would help me. Thank you.

@MumMum1234 Hello, I know you posted this 3 years ago but I would love to hear how you feel now and if your baby's appearance improved ? I'm exactly feeling the same as you posted. I just relate to this 100%. My baby is 4 months and I hate the way he looks. I worry so much about his look that I'm mentally unwell. I'm now under medication and will start a therapy soon. It must be PND. It's hard to think and feel like this. I cry about it everyday. An update would really help to see how bonding and appearance changed with your baby. This would help me. Thank you.