Struggling with my baby's appearance

[Mimi123456]

I have struggled with my baby's appearance since the day she was born. From the moment they handed her to me, I thought she was funny looking but didn't mind as I know so many newborns can be and reassured myself that she would grow into her looks like most babies do. She is now 4.5 months and honestly sticks out like a sore thumb at every baby group we go to/park/farm etc. I have definitely struggled with PND this time round so that's part of the reason I haven't bonded with her but I know it is also down to her looks. It sounds SO awful and shallow I know, but I have eyes and know that she looks so different to all the other babies I see. She is so pale it makes her look ill and has very unfortunate shaped eyes, so things I don't feel will improve as she grows up. Babies are supposed to appear cute to their parents so that they naturally want to do all they can to help them, love them and give them everything they need. I desperately want to feel like this about her but when I look at her I just feel so disappointed that she looks the way she does, when I'd never expected her to. I wasn't expecting a model-like baby, just a baby that looks like most others. I feel like if I, her mother, feel like this about her, what on earth do other people think when they look at her and I worry about the life-long negative effects her appearance will have for her. I feel she'd be a lot better off without me here but if I did ever do anything stupid I would hate to leave my husband to have to parent alone. Sorry to put this all on here, just not many people I can speak to about this. I have spoken to a therapist but he didn't really help.. I'm not sure there's much that can help as it's not like anyone can change the situation.

When my DS was born my (now ex) asked hopefully, ‘Do you think he will grow a chin?’. My son is now 14 and looks like a young Elvis. A woman in Hollister asked him if he had ever thought of modelling (he still talks about it now 🙄).

If your child’s appearance is causing you anxiety, you do need to go and see your GP.

I thought my first baby was hideous... I had PND. I look back at photos and she is a bit like a potato, but she's grown into a much nicer looking toddler!!!

Aw OP you sound like you’re really struggling, especially with bonding I would speak to your GP or health visitor.
If it’s any consolation my daughter looked like Phil Mitchell until she was about 8 months old, bald, with a big meathead and a scrunched up face!

Oh gosh, I can't tell you I only just realised a year ago how ugly looking DS2 was for best part of him before turning 1. He's now nearly four and is absolutely proud of his look now. He really hates to look at photos of his old self after he was born.

I had a very smooth birth and was overjoyed for his arrival. So I didn't feel anything negative about him. Thought he looked cute... But gosh, he looked so yellow and strange in the first many months...

Plus, I didn't bond with DS1 instantly either, probably not even for the first two years. I felt I loved him, but I wasn't like really monthly filled with love like now. But we bonded in a much gradual process - he taught me a lot as a mother, things in my heart that I will be forever grateful.

You will too. Don't worry too much about their look - massive changes over years. What you do need to care about is your PND which does sound making you really anxious and unhappy. Please do give yourself time . Life is all about being patient, for it to unfold in front of you bit by bit. You can't jump ahead and guess how things are going to be in a year or two. Take care of yourself!

It is very likely to be your PND talking. The mind is a funny thing and when you are ill you can convince yourself of anything. You may well be looking at her in the same way as someone with body dysmorphia looks at their reflection in a mirror- they see something wrong where others don’t. I highly doubt anyone is looking at your baby and thinking she is funny looking
The other thing is it an absolute misconception that all babies are cute, no they aren’t. A lot of babies look like squashed tomatoes but turn into gorgeous looking kids.

I hear you OP. I was shocked when I first met both my DDs 😂 I don’t know what I was expecting but they definitely were not it! They weren’t ugly as such … but their features were just not what I’d visualised. So I totally understand where you’re coming from. And it doesn’t sound shallow at all. It sounds honest! Mine are now 14 & 12 and people often say how pretty they are…and they’ve definitely grown into their looks. Sometimes bonding just takes time.

my son is almost 14 now but only recently I was able to admit that I struggled to bond with him when he was born. It wasn’t so much his looks but who he looked like, a relative who hurt me, and it triggered that response in me. Is it possible that this could be behind how you are feeling?

We have twins. Our girl has been a typical sweet baby from the start. Her brother has been the potato. Multiple chins, huge round face, cowlick hair from a high hair line - all I can is he looks strikingly like my husband at the same age.

At nearly two, he is emerging as totally gorgeous. Those little eyes are now a very unusual purple. Chins are gone and he has a lovely pointed little face. He BEAMS at people - we've yet to meet a doctor or health visitor of any kind who doesn't melt into a puddle. His sister doesn't get that reaction.

They change in the most unexpected ways, and different has an attraction of its own. This is not something that should be causing you anxiety, I promise.

My DD's eyes aren't symmetrical. There's a really obvious overgrowth (thats the best word I can think of!) of soft tissue on one side. I've taken her to the doctor because it looks so bad to me, and felt awful when they told me if was just what she looked like!

Please please seek help. It's absolutely PND. My DD is nearly 9months old and I've only just sought help for my PND. Kept thinking I was just a shit Mum and needed to suck it up. My fixated thoughts were different to yours, but the crux is the same.
My GP was actually incredibly helpful. I got a course of low dose anxiety meds that are just starting to help now, and an instant referral to the perinatal mental health team who have been absolutely fantastic. And I haven't even had to see anyone face to face and deal with the "shame" you think you'll feel.
PND needs to be talked about more and stigma removed. I have to say I didn't fully understand it myself and I grew up in a family who were very much "stiff upper lip" so I felt weak when I finally reached out for help and now I'm kicking myself for leaving it so long. Blaming myself for my unkind thoughts, when really it's the illness.
Whether or not your DD is 'beautiful' (which is subjective at best) she needs her Mummy firing on all cylinders, and you can't pour from an empty cup.

Please please please reach out for help.

Unusual looking often ends up striking in an adult. What everybody wants really. Talk to your GP . You may need some help for a while. I'm sure your bub smells beautiful and has a smile and coo to melt your heart .

@Mimi123456 haven’t read the full thread, but the ugliest baby I have ever seen is now a beautiful model. The newborn scrunched up look is literally no bearing on how they will develop into adulthood. Just be kind to yourself. Your life has been turned upside down and you don’t have to have perfect thoughts all the time…

My first was pig ugly (honestly). Not just ordinary looking (like me and her dad). She got much better as she grew and has developed into a strong, lovely personality, who is ordinary looking (like me and her dad). She’s all grown now. I wouldn’t change anything for the world.
But, I do think your struggles are more than that. Talk to your doctor. They’ve heard everything. You won’t shock them. Like others, I think PND is a factor here. Support is essential. Having a small baby is HARD! Best wishes.

One of mine was so weird looking. He had a horrible crease across the top of his nose that made him look angry, no hair for months, pale head with visible veins- he was winning no competitions and although I did bond I was terribly aware how ugly he was and was almost jealous of the other mums at play club with the cute babies. I felt guilty for thinking it but couldn’t help it as to me it was just the truth and I didn’t see why I was expected to be invisible to how he looked.
However by the age of two he had huge blue eyes and thick blonde curls and people would stop the pram to tell me how beautiful he was.
When he hit puberty he looked awful again- spotty and his nose seemed to grow before the rest of his face. He had a terrible hair cut and it was like a new child as compared to the angelic toddler. By his 20s he could be a model. Physical looks often come and go and the vast majority of kids aren’t beautiful from day one and stay that way.

Fact is I don’t think you have to be wearing rose tinted glasses as a parent. It’s ok to see that your baby isn’t the most physically beautiful.

What you do need to address is how you feel numb towards her. Even when I thought DS was ugly I loved him to bits and wouldn’t have changed a hair on his head (when he had some!). I genuinely thought he was the best baby as he was MY baby.

I am not a subscriber to the ‘fall in love with your baby the minute they are born’ train of thought as I genuinely found it grew over time but I did feel an immediate powerful bond and need to protect and care for them.

What you describe, just as many PP have commented, is so typical for PND. It is robbing you of the baby joy and I urge you to get help. I can imagine how hard to feels to say about the looks thing so you could just describe how numb you feel and how although caring for DD you just aren’t enjoying any of it. I’m quite sure treatment would help. And do try another counsellor- it can take a few before you gel with someone.

So glad you have posted. You aren’t a bad person or a bad mum.

Oh OP 😥. Please speak to your GP or health visitor. It does sound like something more than worry about your baby's appearance.

FWIW my littlest nephew was the most peculiar looking small baby. He was 8 weeks premature and for months he looked like a skinny surprised little frog, then he transformed into a Phil Mitchell lookalike. He developed into the cutest looking toddler I've ever known.

My SIL was so ugly as a baby my MIL cried when she was born. Objectively, she was really not pretty at all. It's a family joke - she's gorgeous now.

Some babies are ugly. It's a truth.

But I think putting that aside, please seek help for the PND. I think with that sorted you'll worry so much less about your baby's looks.

There was a similar thread a few years ago with a woman who thought her baby looked like Boris Johnson (I felt bad as I realised I would struggle to love a baby who looked like him).
My friend took ages to form a bond with her son; she said he was in school and she was still faking it. They now have an amazing bond and I never would have guessed as she is an amazing mum. Sometimes love has to grow, it isn’t always instant.

Some babies are just... kinda funny looking. But they're too little to know or care!

My sister, according to my mum, was a fairly ugly, spotty baby - but she grew into a really beautiful woman, baby looks don't mean a whole lot.

And also - remember, we live in the 21st century. Your daughter's appearance is not her sole value anymore. I've always felt that - I've never been beautiful but it doesn't matter because it's not where my value as a person lies. I think I'm a lot happier than a woman who is considered beautiful but worries about what she looks like. My life's success has never depended on what I look like, it doesn't have to for any woman now... it takes a long time to get over millennia of basically being property but women can let go of their value being in what they look like.

I’ve seen ugly babies grow up cute and cute babies grow up not so cute. If it’s not the pnd talking and she looks a bit odd just hang on there and when her personalit comes out I’m sure you’ll stop noticing.

I had preemie twins and DS was quite cute but DD was a bit smaller and less filled out, and we all agreed she was no great beauty! But we loved her anyway. Later her hair fell out and she had a scowly monobrow, so she really wasn't that nice looking until at least a year old or more. I could always see that and laugh about it - but we knew she'd grow into herself, and she's a stunning teenager now.

There is no doubt that babies can be ugly, or at least interesting-looking - and parents normally either overlook that or accept it and bond with them anyway. I'm sorry you're struggling - please do take the advice from PPs and get help, it definitely sounds like PND or something bigger than worry about your baby's looks......

Ds was the weirdest looking baby, brought gasps from everyone. my sister remarks how he was an ugly baby. he's still unusual looking, but very striking.

Everyone assumed I was adopted because I had unusual eye shape and different to my parents… I looked like I originated from a different part of the world and people didn’t believe my birth parents’ were my parents! They were forever explaining. This happened all the way through my life pretty much to adulthood!!

I hope I don’t sound arrogant but now people tell me I look striking and I get a lot of looks & attention even in my 30’s. I modelled for L’Oréal in my late teens. People often assume I have an exotic heritage and don’t believe me when I say my parents come from Birmingham & are brits through and through 😂

I recently had my son, first baby, and guess what, he has my strange shaped eyes and face. With his baby fat he looks very very round with small eyes but I know when he grows up he will be really unusual looking! When my husband shows colleagues pictures of our son, they all ask if his wife is foreign 😂😂😂

She will grow and change lots. I expect your PND is talking here but be reassured she will develop and change! Hope you feel better soon. Don’t feel guilty; just focus on getting better and seeing the light. Congrats on your baby girl! Xxxx

The oddest , ugliest baby girl I have ever seen ( pale skin, misshapen head, flat squashed face, dead eyes) is now a beautiful athletic 21 year old woman who is almost 6 feet tall and a talented athlete !

Even if she does look a bit different bow it doesn't necessarily mean she always will in fact it's more likely she'll look different to how she does now than the same. But either way it's OK to feel bad about these things sometimes, just be assured that the world.is filled with People of many types of looks and although it's cliche there's a lot more to life than looks.
Also, I would advise to seek a female therapist as male counsellors are not as good generally in my experience. I hope you feel better soon..