Struggling with my baby's appearance

[Mimi123456]

I have struggled with my baby's appearance since the day she was born. From the moment they handed her to me, I thought she was funny looking but didn't mind as I know so many newborns can be and reassured myself that she would grow into her looks like most babies do. She is now 4.5 months and honestly sticks out like a sore thumb at every baby group we go to/park/farm etc. I have definitely struggled with PND this time round so that's part of the reason I haven't bonded with her but I know it is also down to her looks. It sounds SO awful and shallow I know, but I have eyes and know that she looks so different to all the other babies I see. She is so pale it makes her look ill and has very unfortunate shaped eyes, so things I don't feel will improve as she grows up. Babies are supposed to appear cute to their parents so that they naturally want to do all they can to help them, love them and give them everything they need. I desperately want to feel like this about her but when I look at her I just feel so disappointed that she looks the way she does, when I'd never expected her to. I wasn't expecting a model-like baby, just a baby that looks like most others. I feel like if I, her mother, feel like this about her, what on earth do other people think when they look at her and I worry about the life-long negative effects her appearance will have for her. I feel she'd be a lot better off without me here but if I did ever do anything stupid I would hate to leave my husband to have to parent alone. Sorry to put this all on here, just not many people I can speak to about this. I have spoken to a therapist but he didn't really help.. I'm not sure there's much that can help as it's not like anyone can change the situation.

I felt that way about #2 son. Now when I look at his baby pictures I realize that he had this giant round basketball head. The basketball appearance was exacerbated by the fact that he has bright orange hair.

I think you’re being very honest.

People will spout ‘all babies are beautiful’, but they’re not. My friend’s rather odd GP told her ‘better luck next time’ when he looked at her new baby. We laugh now at photos of said baby, he was alarming. He’s a lovely looking teenager now.

But some of your comments, OP, do sound concerning. You need to be assessed for PND.

Just wanted to add to all the messages of support. I had similar feelings when my LO was very young but couldn't cope with them and went on to become very ill. You have done so well to admit how you're feeling and please tell someone IRL. It's absolutely your brain making you feel the way you do and, I always think, your love for her making you feel uncomfortable about it. Things change so quickly! I have the best bond with my DS now and yes, he's bloody gorgeous at 2.5!! X

I have definitely struggled with PND this time round so that's part of the reason I haven't bonded with her but I know it is also down to her looks

@Mimi123456
The reason you haven't bonded with your DD is nothing to do with her looks, and everything to do with a horrible illness which is making you think that there is something wrong with the way she looks. Our minds can play terrible tricks on us. Please tell your GP or HV what you have told us.

People will spout ‘all babies are beautiful’, but they’re not. My friend’s rather odd GP told her ‘better luck next time’ when he looked at her new baby. We laugh now at photos of said baby, he was alarming. He’s a lovely looking teenager now.

I’ll be honest, I don’t think any babies are beautiful! They’re all odd little goblins, but they grow into it and they just look like them. And that’s rather lovely and what makes us all different.

I think this is PND talking, my baby looking back, looked a bit like a potato, and I loved the bones off him. I think looks to a 'well' mother, often don't matter, as hormones override everything. Depression throws these hormones out of whack making it far harder to bond... looks aside. So give yourself a break and get some help. You're a great Mum and this will pass.

I know you don't believe it but the PND is causing you to think she's ugly, not the other way around. Please talk to your doctor about it. You don't have to mention how you feel about her looks if you're worried about being judged; just talk about the lack of bonding and that you need help to get over the PND.

At the other end of the spectrum, I signed my PFB up for a modelling agency, because no baby was ever more stunningly beautiful. It generated precisely no work.

My second DS was a hideous baby.
Really skinny like Mr Burns and he has a condition where his skull is shaped very strangely and also huge. On top of that bright yellow from jaundice.
He's the most handsome in his year now, everyone says. He has girls chasing him from other year levels as well! Everything will be ok x

My youngest was really funny looking, she's very cute now though. She had IUGR so was tiny and very skinny - you could see the bones in her face which is obviously a bit alarming to see on a baby and she was furry. She grew out of it and gets lots of compliments now. It sounds like PND more than anything, and it's horrific to deal with. Don't be ashamed there is lots of support out there for this, talk to your GP or health visitor, the sooner you start feeling better the sooner you can start to bond with your baby.

They were TOO beautiful and would have outshone the product they were modelling. nods

My friend with PND made comments like this round her baby - she looked perfectly normal and even sweet to the rest of us. She only saw this when her pnd finally responded to treatment.

I suspect pnd is playing a major role here - even if it's not as she is an odd looking baby they do change so rapidly and grow into features - DS nose looked huge in his baby face and I really wondered where it had come from but now looks perfect.

My advice would be to talk to the HV or GP and try and get some help.

My newborn looked like a bug eyed alien.he was all scrawny with big eyes. He's 15 months now and he had grown into his eyes and looks like a cute little toddler.
He didn't start to look cute until he cubbed up once we started weaning him.

OP, one of my babies was very odd looking. She had a very obviously weird shaped head, terrible patchy hair and lumpen features. Honestly, she was not pretty. I wish you could have seen her then and now. She's now in her early 20s and really genuinely stunning - blonde, beautiful. But more importantly shes still the sweet, kind person she was when she was little. I hope you feel better soon.

That being said after a week or two I loved him with all my heart so I do think you need some help.

Our genetics throw up lots of differences. Some kids don't look like their parents. Some syndromes cause specific features. Your baby might be different in some way OP, and that's OK. Her features might make it hard to feel that she is like you. They don't mean that she's not beautiful, just that beauty isn't standard it comes in lots of ways.
Be brave and talk to someone in real life about what your worries are and how you are feeling. You are human and you are doing your best.

I agree this sounds like PND skewing your perception. That said, I was apparently a 'very ugly baby'. I had a massive long forehead, thin face and huge boggly eyes. Loads of babies don't suit their features at first. I turned into a sweet looking kid and I think I'm aging pretty well too. I bet your DD is no where near as unusual looking as you think but I also promise you she will improve! xx

Is she hitting her milestones OP? Just trying to work out why she's so pale and "different looking" to you. And your Dad has said she doesn't look like anyone else in the family.

to chime in with what others have said - it reaaally sounds like PND talking. The fact you’ve considered your DD might be better off without you is a massive indicator for this
please please please speak to someone in real life- your GP, health visitor. There IS help available, you don’t have to feel like this.
if you can’t get the words out you could print out what you’ve said here and take it to the appointment.
And please keep talking to your husband too.

I had a brush with PND last year. I had thoughts that my lovely boy would be better off without me. It was really scary, I felt not in control of my thoughts. And it was really hard to talk to people about it. But when I did, it helped. Now I can look back and see the thoughts for what they were - illogical PND fabrications, not my true feelings, if you see what I mean.

Sorry for the essay - I really feel for you as PND is horrible

You poor thing. My eldest was a beautiful baby. My second and third were seriously peculiar looking. My son didn’t quite fit his eyes/face properly until he was about 18mths and my daughter was tiny, bird like in appearance and bald and pale with such a runny nose so was always pale with grey eyes and green gunge from her nose and was bald until she was about 2.5yrs. They are now perfectly ordinary looking children with no traces of the original ‘ugly’ features, but I hear you and I understand it when you say they genuinely don’t look like other babies.

This may help you to realise you are not alone and raise a smile. So many old men lookalikes! www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/1200541-I-know-newborns-are-meant-to-look-like-Winston-Churchill-but-occasionally-my-3wo-looks-like-Onslow-from-Keeping-Up-Appearances

Firstly, being good looking is no guarantee of a happy life. If it was, supermodels would be the happiest people on earth and I very much doubt they are.

Secondly, given how you talk about suicide at the end of your post then it’s clearly a largely issue you have and this focus on your baby’s looks isn’t the cause. I hope you can seek help.

Oh @Mimi123456 , I'm so so sorry that you are feeling this way.

I think it is really important to go and see your GP. I think this would be so worthwhile on two counts. Primarily because you are feeling so low at the moment and PND needs to be taken seriously. Part of PND can be obsessive thought patterns etc so you need to speak to a trained professional who will give you the compassion and care that you so desperately need right now. Please prioritise making an appointment.

Secondly, I think it is important to discuss your concerns with your GP. You mention a pale complexion and odd eyes. This may or may not be down to your own perception and it may be worthwhile talking to your GP. If they think something is amiss with your baby then they may recommend genetic testing if they suspect an underlying condition. Or they may just tell you that all is well and reassure you.

Please go and see someone as soon as you can. You did the right thing in reaching out and don't ever be afraid to articulate your feelings to a GP, they have literally heard it all.

Huge hugs to you and please update on how you are doing 💐💕

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally, than they can afford to spare.

My friend used to say the ugliest babies grow into the most beautiful adults - she used pictures of super models to prove it!

My DD was like a little doll. She hasn't changed much and is gorgeous, but she used to talk to me about her friends who always seemed to have it in for her - x and y say they're prettier than I am etc. And it obvs wasnt even remotely true. But, I'd say, well x's mum is very pretty so she will eventually grow into her face or Y's older brother is good looking so Y will probably look different when she's older.

I think if you look at people with the same shaped eyes as your DD you'll find models with those same eye shapes.

The truth is, none of us know what our kids will look like as they grow, some kids change so much they're unrecognisable.

I look the same as I did when I was a toddler and my daughter followed suit. Her DB changed beyond recognition - he was a FLK until he hit 12m and bam he was started to look beautiful. He carried on changing, blond to brown hair etc and he is now quite a handsome young man.

Have patience and love her. I'm sure shallow people might think she's not a pretty baby, but she is perfect and beautiful.