Struggling with my baby's appearance

[Mimi123456]

I have struggled with my baby's appearance since the day she was born. From the moment they handed her to me, I thought she was funny looking but didn't mind as I know so many newborns can be and reassured myself that she would grow into her looks like most babies do. She is now 4.5 months and honestly sticks out like a sore thumb at every baby group we go to/park/farm etc. I have definitely struggled with PND this time round so that's part of the reason I haven't bonded with her but I know it is also down to her looks. It sounds SO awful and shallow I know, but I have eyes and know that she looks so different to all the other babies I see. She is so pale it makes her look ill and has very unfortunate shaped eyes, so things I don't feel will improve as she grows up. Babies are supposed to appear cute to their parents so that they naturally want to do all they can to help them, love them and give them everything they need. I desperately want to feel like this about her but when I look at her I just feel so disappointed that she looks the way she does, when I'd never expected her to. I wasn't expecting a model-like baby, just a baby that looks like most others. I feel like if I, her mother, feel like this about her, what on earth do other people think when they look at her and I worry about the life-long negative effects her appearance will have for her. I feel she'd be a lot better off without me here but if I did ever do anything stupid I would hate to leave my husband to have to parent alone. Sorry to put this all on here, just not many people I can speak to about this. I have spoken to a therapist but he didn't really help.. I'm not sure there's much that can help as it's not like anyone can change the situation.

My daughter was not an attractive baby, her brothers especially the youngest were absolutely beautiful. At 4.5 months she genuinely looked like an alien. She wasn’t even an especially good looking toddler, she certainly didn’t turn any heads, she had no hair and a flat head. As a teen she’s absolutely beautiful, I’m probably biased as I’m her mum but she’s really a very attractive girl. I’m sure your DD is too

Mine was the spitting image of Winston Churchill. I could post the pic here if needed. Terrible color too, yellow. Big. He never had that miniature cute baby look. So ugly he was beautiful to me. He turned into an outrageously handsome, tall, slim teenager, with a million dollar smile and gorgeous skin and face and jawline, the works. Other people tell us that all the time. How it happened I don’t know as we are nothing to write home about. He even made money working in commercials because of his looks when he was younger. He could still be doing it but isn’t interested. Looks are only superficial at the end of the day. The fact your baby is here with you is the only thing that matters. He is glorious in his own right.

You are feeling a sense of ‘failure’ and disappointment that frankly your husband and father didn’t help. Men are notoriously obtuse. Are you very good looking? I’m not so wasn’t expecting much and so wasn’t disappointed haha. But I do think the pnd is talking because it’s become a fixation when really all that’s required is love. I came across pictures online of celebrities without makeup and oh my, they are all very ordinary looking and quite scary. Mila Kunis is prime example. Beautiful on the red carpet but one of us without the makeup experts. Talk to your doctor and be comforted that many mothers go through feelings, you’re not alone and that you are a success and so is your baby.

Bunce1 · Today 19:40
I am here to assure you that how you feel is down to PND and it is a cruel and nasty thing that is tricking you into thinking like this. it’s not true and it’s not you. It’s the illness.

Putting the looks to one side you have said you don’t feel bonded and so on that basis alone I think you should speak to your HV or doctor ASAP as you really don’t need to feel like this a moment longer. And you’ll start to enjoy this time.

Agree with @Bunce1 completely.
Wish you well @Mimi123456 - this will get better - it really will.

My sister was the homeliest bald thing till she was more than 2. Now she is gorgeous with long thick hair.

I was adorable from birth and frankly as an adult am plain as mud.

You never can tell. Please see your doctor and enjoy your sweet little baby.

Ugly babies often making lovely looking adults - it’s all about bone structure. They grow in to their ears and faces, grow their hair longer etc.

There was a baby in our NCT group who, frankly, looked like an alien- but he grew in to his face and at the age of 4 looks absolutely standard!

Please don’t let this affect your bond. Get help for your PND, take antidepressants if needs be. And please never, ever let your child know you think this about her- it could cause so much damage.

I’m sorry, I meant your daughter!! Dd, not ds.

‘Unfortunate’ eyes will be striking when older.

My Dd was pale. She still is ( although she tans quite easily) She has beautiful white skin and looks like something from the Pre Raphaelites. Your Dd will grow into herself.

My son was the same. He also had plagiocephally (sp?) which means his head was a strange shape. By about 6 months he’d really changed and was just gorgeous.

I'm not sure why everyone seems to think reassuring you your baby will become beautiful is the answer here. You will still have to love her and be her mum, even if she never becomes an attractive child.

Her appearance is really irrelevant, what matters is how you feel towards her. I'm sorry you're finding it so tough, please continue to seek out help. The early days are very hard.

Agree. I remember Princess Andre was a very odd looking baby. Look at her now she’s really pretty.

I'm also sure that it's your pnd speaking and hope that you seek the help that you need, newborn says are tough enough even without pnd.

To put another spin on it: we don't love our children for how they look, we love them for the people that they are. This can be hard with newborns because all they do is feed and sleep, and this makes you really focus in on how they look. This is why people comment on newborn appearances so much. But as soon as her little personality comes through you will love her for who she is as a person. In my experience people rarely comment on toddlers' appearances and never on older children's, they'll talk about their achievements and personality instead.

My lad was long and skinny with a pointy head (ventouse delivery). He looked like a skinned rabbit. He's 18 now and 6ft 2" and, well, I'd like to say he's gorgeous, and he is to me, he's my diamond. But he looks like an Easter Island Head. But at least it's not pointy any more. 😬

The point (sorry) being he's fit and healthy and happy and getting on with his life. He's kind and clever and empathetic. He got that way in part because of the personality he way born with and in part because of his bond with me. And family bonds/ subsequent life experience of course.

You sound like maybe you're not well, and/or you are having trouble bonding with your baby. You said you feel numb. This is not unusual. Go and see the GP, don't let an illness get in your way.

Skinned rabbit/conventionally unattractive/whatever; doesn't matter, they just need you. Honestly, having had a peculiar looking baby and it not getting in the way of me bonding (and he was in special baby care unit for 8 days, I was pumping over Polaroids of a pointy yellow baby), there is something needs looking at here.

You are normal, your baby is normal, and normal people sometime can use some outside assistance with things.

Tell them how you feel. All power to you <hug>

You're really brave to talk about this OP- I can really sympathise because I developed PTSD after a traumatic birth and used to have really troubling, intrusive thoughts about my baby/motherhood. I had therapy through the postnatal mental health clinic (sorry that's probably not the right name, I can't remember exactly what it was called but my GP referred me) and it was incredibly helpful. There is help out there, and help that works, so please reach out to someone for help in real life if you can

I also agree with PPs that most babies are a bit strange looking. My DS popped out very scrawny and looked like ET- he was surprisingly wrinkly. His appearance changed quite quickly- he then looked uncannily like Steve Davis until he was about 8 months old (no offence to Steve Davis, but it was a disconcerting look on an infant.) He's a perfectly lovely looking child now!

I was also an exceptionally unusual-looking baby. My baby photos on my parents' mantelpiece have made several past boyfriends weep with mirth. I'm no oil painting these days but I think I was a reasonably good looking younger woman, so I grew out of it too.

Babies do grow into their looks OP.
I say that as a someone who was an ugly baby.
I grew into mine, just after toddling years.
Even looking at my baby photos now makes wonder how I can be the same person.
Please don't worry, your baby will be fine.

Fellow PND mum here (I am recovered now). It's really common to fixate on something with PND - mine was sleep and how much I hated my house. Yours is your baby's appearance. I'd just like to point out that all the really cute child actors in films from when we were young grew up to be the most weird looking adults. Bit if a theory but I reckon everything will come good! You don't need to jump through hoops and love her by a certain date, it'll come with time and you don't need to rush that. Take care x

@Kitcaterpillar because that’s OP’s anxious fixation at the moment so we are trying to reassure her that it’s not something to focus on in the way she is.

the majority of posts on this thread are so lovely and supportive - really the best of mumsnet.

OP I wanted to add if you’re unsure from a health perspective you can always take her to the GP just for a check - they won’t raise an eyebrow trust me they’ll have seen plenty the same with similar concerns before. I took DS because he had a flat head on one side / they were very kind and reassuring and I was absolutely obsessed with his poor wonky head and would photograph it from every angle. I only remembered this the other day because I found all the photos - I’d completely forgotten because the GP was right, it’s not noticeable now.

the other thing is, if your relatives are kind of agreeing with you, is it because you keep talking about it to them? As I found in my most anxious phase that when arguing the point didn’t work with me, my friends and family would try to half agree but in a kind of vague way I think to try and get me to stop fixating on it in any way they could. Of course it didn’t work but whatever answer they had given me wouldn’t have worked either.

please go and see the GP or health visitor either way and well done for posting.

@Kitcaterpillar sprry I didn’t mean your post wasn’t supportive by the way, just read my post back and realised it could have been taken that way!

@Embelline Not at all, I appreciate your perspective :)

Love my son to bits but both my husband and I thought he was the ugliest little thing (he was well over 11lb with a bright crop of red hair and translucent skin, nothing wrong with red hair it just didn’t suit him. He’s an utterly gorgeous 16 yo now) It didn’t have any impact on my love for him. I think your pnd is definitely having an impact as without it you would just think ‘hey ho she’ll grow into her looks’ but you have excessive anxiety about it. The fact that you are talking about it great as you are willing to accept that this is an extreme behaviour. It’s completely normal to not think your child is the most beautiful being ever and as long as it’s not impacting your behaviour towards her, just relax, enjoy your time with her and let her grow into herself.

You're a good mum and it will all be ok, if you need help don’t be afraid to it ask for it.

Op make the GP appointment and then show them your post or copy and paste the text in to a note on your phone.

Please get in touch with your HV mimi. You are a good mum, who is doing a great job, don't doubt yourself. With love xx

OP please get help - urgently.
The way you're talking about your precious child is a way I cannot imagine you really want to.

My youngest was not an attractive baby. Huge head tiny body and she looked like a tiny lil bird with a unnaturally large head. Huge eyes and strawberry blonde hair. age 19 she is without a doubt the most attractive of my children. Her large eyes fit her face beautifully now. Her hair is stunning and her body is in proportion to her head :)..

She just took a bit of time to grow into her beauty.

As a person she is utterly amazing witty funny and oh so clever. well way more than me. :) Her siblings all say the same.

As a baby though she was not attractive.

When I asked my dh whether our newborn dd was pretty he replied,”She is the image of Edward G Robinson! “ He was right and she continued to look like that until she was about 3. She became an attractive girl and is (I think) a beautiful woman. She is also kind, clever, a wonderful mother and great company. You have a little gem OP like all babies she is unique.

OP make sure that PND is really being taken care of as I feel like this is what’s making you say stuff like this.

however I’ve heard of many mums even without PND being somewhat unhappy with the looks.

I have experience with two friends whose little girls were… not as pleasing to the eye. One grew into a gorgeous little girl at 7-9mo old and the other took quite a bit longer, towards primary, she is 9-11 (don’t wanna out myself) and it’s absolutely stunning.

babies and kids change.