Struggling with my baby's appearance

[Mimi123456]

I have struggled with my baby's appearance since the day she was born. From the moment they handed her to me, I thought she was funny looking but didn't mind as I know so many newborns can be and reassured myself that she would grow into her looks like most babies do. She is now 4.5 months and honestly sticks out like a sore thumb at every baby group we go to/park/farm etc. I have definitely struggled with PND this time round so that's part of the reason I haven't bonded with her but I know it is also down to her looks. It sounds SO awful and shallow I know, but I have eyes and know that she looks so different to all the other babies I see. She is so pale it makes her look ill and has very unfortunate shaped eyes, so things I don't feel will improve as she grows up. Babies are supposed to appear cute to their parents so that they naturally want to do all they can to help them, love them and give them everything they need. I desperately want to feel like this about her but when I look at her I just feel so disappointed that she looks the way she does, when I'd never expected her to. I wasn't expecting a model-like baby, just a baby that looks like most others. I feel like if I, her mother, feel like this about her, what on earth do other people think when they look at her and I worry about the life-long negative effects her appearance will have for her. I feel she'd be a lot better off without me here but if I did ever do anything stupid I would hate to leave my husband to have to parent alone. Sorry to put this all on here, just not many people I can speak to about this. I have spoken to a therapist but he didn't really help.. I'm not sure there's much that can help as it's not like anyone can change the situation.

My sister in law had a fantastic birth experience and a beautiful baby at the same time as I had a really traumatic experience resulting in PTSD for me and surgery for my baby and a 6 mth hospital stay. I was ashamed of how he looked when we went to the in-laws. I was ashamed and thought he was ugly. And looking back he was a funny looking kid- but I don’t know how much was the depression/ PTSD speaking and how much was him looking odd. However, I can tell you that he is now so handsome. People/ other mums etc tell me all the time just how handsome he is, where as the sister in law baby is a nice looking lad, but he’s nowhere near as ridiculously handsome as that VERY strange looking baby I had. Now he’s 5 he can laugh at his own baby photos- with his fine sticky up hair and googly eyes and pale paleness!

what I would say is I found getting CBT really helped all round. Once the depression/ PTSD was done everything in life got slowly better and I didn’t focus in on that one thing like I did before. And of course sleep always.

some babies just take a while to grown into their looks….but when they do 🦢 so try not to worry. Your baby is just perfect xx

I can't speak to my friends about it as am too ashamed to admit it's what I think, but I don't think one of them has ever said she's cute/gorgeous/beautiful.

My husband agrees she isn't the prettiest baby but is sure she'll get better with time.

I asked my Dad (who cannot lie) if he thought she was funny looking and he said "All babies are funny looking. I certainly can't see any similarities of you, your husband or anyone else in the family"

I adored my DS and thought he was the bees knees (still do!) but he looked like a scrawny little monk when he was born. He had no baby squish and was so tiny his face looked like it was permanently frowning. He had a little band of hair around the back of his head and sides with a bald spot on top.
he didn’t look like other babies. He didn’t have that pink look he was very pale and mottled. I think I didn’t fixate on this because I had had so many previous losses I couldn’t believe he was actually there and I was far too busy developing raging health anxiety off the back of this to worry about appearance (not a dig at you but some empathy because any kind of depression or anxiety is awful and all consuming).

However he HAS grown into his features and he has changed a lot. 4.5 months is teeny tiny and she will change SO MUCH and things you think can’t look diffeeent (shape of eyes etc) can completely as the rest of her changes.

snuggle that baby of yours and try to find other things to focus on - anxiety does like to find something to fixate on and almost panic about.

please take as much help as you can get and if you ever want to chat please drop me a DM.

He’s three now by the way and looks absolutely nothing like his 6month and under self!

With one of ours DH and I thought they were the cutest baby ever, it was only when we looked back at photos we realised they resembled an alien

You seem overly obsessed with your baby's looks and worrying about it constantly. These are definitely all signs of PND or anxiety. Your brain is in overdrive. Your husband for instance doesn't seem to be concerned or give it much thought at all! Please go talk to someone professional.

Yes, I used to feel sorry for all the other babies because mine were so drop dead beautiful...looking back they look just as odd as every other baby on the street!

I agree with others OP that it's your PND finding a way out. I bet you lie awake and worry about her being bullied at school for her looks or think she might have some kind of undiagnosed condition? If so that kind of thing is totally PND.

I’m so sorry to hear you feel like this, you should definitely seek some professional help so that you bond with and enjoy your daughter. I know my mum had something similar and never sought help. She would always comment on my appearance as a child and during my teen years always wanted me to look better. My sister was always the cute one and it was made very obvious. When I was 22 she told me finally I’d bloomed and was beautiful, but it was too late. I hate photos, feel self conscious about how I look and always wondered what DH and other boyfriends saw in me. Please get help and don’t let the same PND drag you down. I’m sure your baby girl is gorgeous, don’t let this spoil your special time with her whilst she’s so young.

When my daughter was born she looked really swarthy compared to the rest of the children on the ward, to me she just looked right and the rest rather pale. I'm rather pale myself!

I feel terrible writing this, as I’m sure you did writing your post OP, but I felt the same and could have wrote your post. My son had a turn in his eye, fiery ginger hair, very pale skin, multiple chins and he was huge. I honestly didn’t believe he was mine when they brought him to me. I felt unnatural thinking the things I did. He’s 6 now and he’s so quirky, he looks just like he was meant to look. I love that he doesn’t look the same as everyone else. Sure there’s a stand out gorgeous kid or two in each class but otherwise, much of a muchness. Some of the people considered the most beautiful on the planet are so unique they look almost other worldy. Give it time, there’ll be plenty more things about her to love.

I don’t think your husband or dad have been particularly helpful but that’s blokes for you. If you showed me a group of baby pictures and the 15 year olds they grew up to be I don’t think I would match many pairs. The way babies look is no reflection upon the way they will look fully grown. Also looks are not the most important thing. Give it time.

It’s definitely the pnd talking. I had similar with one of mine. In my case she didn’t look at all like my side of the family and I had this weird feeling that I didn’t recognise her at all, as if she wasn’t my child. I adored her but felt sorry for her as she was so unfortunate looking. Oddly even though she is the double of my husband (according to everyone else) I don’t see him in her either, to this day! But she is utterly gorgeous. These feelings will pass.

My niece wasn’t the most attractive baby but she was cute in her own way.

But she grew into the most gorgeous little girl and was cast for tv adverts and extras on TV shows.

This is your PND talking.

Are you being treated for it?

When my first DD was born, she didn't look like any other babies in the ward, or any of my antenatal group's babies. She had a head like a bowling ball and masses of black hair.

Within a year she'd lost her unusual looks, and was a very cute toddler. From then one she was a perfectly attractive cold and is now a very pretty adult woman.

I do understand the fixations of early motherhood though, and echo everyone else suggesting talking to your GP about PND.

Unique features usually make for stunning adults. You can't expect a baby to carry them off, they're only a baby after all.

But do get help for the PND, you wouldn't believe how quickly it can get your feelings less wonky. Also have a look at YouTube tutorials on baby massage, when I had awful PND baby massage was a wonderful help.

Please ask your GP for a referral to your local perinatal mental health team - they can support you until she is one. I'm sure she is beautiful, but I think the best option would be to seek some specialist support for PND.
I felt completely detached from everything other than my first. I think it's making you fixate on something that isn't really important, because it gives you a tangible issue to attach your anxieties to

"I feel she'd be a lot better off without me here but if I did ever do anything stupid I would hate to leave my husband to have to parent alone. "

This alone- please get help ❤️

My baby had the ugliest (cutest) smile. It won't matter but I feel you have maybe done pnd you need support with. I needed same btw. Huge love to your beautiful baby who sounds amazing!! 🧡🧡🧡

My sister was the ugliest baby. She was pale, white hair, suffered with terrible eczema. She is absolutely stunning now, as in, people stop in the street to tell her.

A really ugly kid that I was at high school with won a beautiful baby completion. I couldn’t believe it when I saw the photos, but she was a really cute baby. Not good looking as a teenager or adult tho!! Things can change over time

OP, is it possible she has something genetically wrong? Even a minor genetic mutation could affect her facial features. Definitely worth checking with the GP. Hopefully it’s not that though.

My friend had an ‘ugly’ child. Very thin with big lips and a prominent forehead. She was also slow to talk and my friend was concerned there was something wrong. There wasn’t. She did a spot of runway modelling in her twenties, so she ended up quite normal looking after all.

@villainousbroodmare What does that saying mean?

Just to add.any ppl have an Omaha of how their baby should look that often doesn't meet the image in their mind. Your baby is a new being in this world that will look to you for husband - you are all she knows and o hope please that you find a
Way to never let her feel off of ugly because of her appearance. I know you feel she looks odd but please put this aside - you need to make her feel loved. Accepted, beautiful, no matter what. Please give her this one gift.

Peace to you all 🧡🧡

Omaha = image

My eldest was reeeeeally ugly. He looked like a fat bald monk. Now he's really handsome. I had PND as well (never got diagnosed but it's SO obvious now- I can't believe I didn't get help!). That probably made it worse. Now, looking back he was definitely an unattractive baby but I can laugh now. What they look like as a baby bears no resemblance to what they will look like when they get a little older. The worrying thing is how you feel. Honestly, I wish I got help for my PND. I had terrible health anxiety over my son as well and was just a mess. I was very unhappy when he was tiny and feel a bit sad at having wasted that time with him feeling so miserable.