Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Struggling with my baby's appearance

210 replies

Mimi123456 · 10/02/2023 19:25

I have struggled with my baby's appearance since the day she was born. From the moment they handed her to me, I thought she was funny looking but didn't mind as I know so many newborns can be and reassured myself that she would grow into her looks like most babies do. She is now 4.5 months and honestly sticks out like a sore thumb at every baby group we go to/park/farm etc. I have definitely struggled with PND this time round so that's part of the reason I haven't bonded with her but I know it is also down to her looks. It sounds SO awful and shallow I know, but I have eyes and know that she looks so different to all the other babies I see. She is so pale it makes her look ill and has very unfortunate shaped eyes, so things I don't feel will improve as she grows up. Babies are supposed to appear cute to their parents so that they naturally want to do all they can to help them, love them and give them everything they need. I desperately want to feel like this about her but when I look at her I just feel so disappointed that she looks the way she does, when I'd never expected her to. I wasn't expecting a model-like baby, just a baby that looks like most others. I feel like if I, her mother, feel like this about her, what on earth do other people think when they look at her and I worry about the life-long negative effects her appearance will have for her. I feel she'd be a lot better off without me here but if I did ever do anything stupid I would hate to leave my husband to have to parent alone. Sorry to put this all on here, just not many people I can speak to about this. I have spoken to a therapist but he didn't really help.. I'm not sure there's much that can help as it's not like anyone can change the situation.

OP posts:
Twinklenoseblows · 10/02/2023 19:30

It sounds like you're having a really tough time. I know it probably doesn't seem like it, but this sounds like the PND talking. Have you been able to chat to a doctor about your feelings? I think it's really important to try and access some more support to help you to start to feel better.

piggijg · 10/02/2023 19:31

My second baby was properly ugly until 6 months. But you do fall in love with them as people but it's not instant.

Original poster
Mimi123456 · 10/02/2023 19:34

piggijg · 10/02/2023 19:31

My second baby was properly ugly until 6 months. But you do fall in love with them as people but it's not instant.

Hi @piggijg. How old is your second now and do you feel their looks have improved?

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3-6 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
Original poster
Mimi123456 · 10/02/2023 19:35

Twinklenoseblows · 10/02/2023 19:30

It sounds like you're having a really tough time. I know it probably doesn't seem like it, but this sounds like the PND talking. Have you been able to chat to a doctor about your feelings? I think it's really important to try and access some more support to help you to start to feel better.

Hi @Twinklenoseblows, I haven't spoken to a doctor yet. It feels so hard to actually articulate my thoughts to another human being because of how shallow they are and how much I feel they'll judge me for thinking this about my own child.

OP posts:
JamJarJane · 10/02/2023 19:36

She will probably get much better looking as she gets older. In the meantime, get every bit of help for your pnd that you can. And fake it till you make it - kiss her toes, smell the top of her head, dress her in cute clothes, cuddle her. Hold her close and stop yourself from examining her features. She needs you.

Thirder · 10/02/2023 19:37

Are you sure others think she looks different or are you imagining it?
Babies all look different. I know what you mean by a typical baby look. I had two like that and one with pointy chinand pointy ears, almost old man features. I thought it was quite cool though. He looked wise.
He is 8 now and changed a lot.
I do think the bonding and sadness you feel is more likely related to PND. Although of course that's not to dismiss your worries about appearance. It's all intertwined. But start with your own emotions and mental health. You may feel differently in the future or learn to accept. But the one fact that is sure is your baby will change, its inevitable. And you may miss these baby days.

piggijg · 10/02/2023 19:39

She's a gorgeous 4 year old now and her looks matter far less. I'd really look into mental health help for you. It can be a real flag for BPD, PND and all other assorted neurodiversities etc if you've fixated on the baby's looks. Don't be afraid to tell health professionals how you truly feel. Try to see her as a person. She desperately needs your love. What other people think is neither here nor there. She is your daughter.

Bunce1 · 10/02/2023 19:40

I am here to assure you that how you feel is down to PND and it is a cruel and nasty thing that is tricking you into thinking like this. it’s not true and it’s not you. It’s the illness.

Putting the looks to one side you have said you don’t feel bonded and so on that basis alone I think you should speak to your HV or doctor ASAP as you really don’t need to feel like this a moment longer. And you’ll start to enjoy this time.

Username24680 · 10/02/2023 19:41

It sounds like you’re having a really tough time @Mimi123456 💐 Do you have a health visitor that you can talk to?
Please don’t worry about coming across as shallow etc - it really sounds like some help with the PND could help with your bonding.

villainousbroodmare · 10/02/2023 19:41

The Italians have a saying, "pretty in the pram is not pretty in the piazza" and it's often true. I thought my firstborn was gorgeous from day one... looking at pics now he was quite potato-ish but now at 7 he really is good-looking and I can see how he will look when he's older.
But you sound stressed and unhappy; you need to try and change your focus somehow and one day soon you will see your beautiful little girl as she really is.

Twawmyarse2 · 10/02/2023 19:42

I have never in my life seen an ugly baby. I am very very sure she isn’t unattractive at all and this is your pnd talking.

Please speak to your doctor and ask for help. Agree with pp that you MUST make sure you are affectionate and loving towards her even if you dont feel like it - it will be very damaging to her otherwise.

It isn’t normal to feel this way about your baby and you need to get some help - I mean that in the kindest way 💐

LightDrizzle · 10/02/2023 19:44

I also think PND is a big part of this. I’m not going to tell you that your baby is beautiful because some babies do have a bit of a goblin thing going on and maybe yours is one of them.

However I think where the PND comes in is that her appearance is a focus for your anxiety and a block for you. I think you need help working through it. I promise you that over my 50 plus years I’ve noticed that a baby’s looks is no predictor of how they will look as an adult, either way.

Please don’t feel guilty, I don’t think you are superficial, it could have been milestones, weight, sex that became a fixation. It will get better and you will feel the unconditional love you feel bad about not feeling now but it may take time. It won’t affect her one jot.

She certainly wouldn’t be better off without you. You are her one and only mummy. Please confide in your GP, health visitor or midwifery team.

This too shall pass 💐

Stupidquestion1 · 10/02/2023 19:45

You are very brave to admit this to yourself and to look for help! I struggled with bonding with my DS1, for a number of difficult reasons, probably had PND in hindsight and was disappointed in the way he looked - I've never admitted that before. He's 5 now and beautiful. But mainly, I really worked hard on bonding with him - I realised I had a problem that wasn't going away on it's own when he was about 3. I got counselling for a bit and really started paying attention to my feelings around him, made sure I got good quality time with him to reinforce the bond that was there, printed out an angelic photo of him to keep somewhere I look a lot and made an effort to remember the time when the bond felt good. I still feel sad sometimes that my love for him wasn't just simple like for my other DC, but actually the process has left us with a really special closeness. I hope you can find a way to build your bond - it really is possible! And ask for help if you can - it's really not your fault.

ValerieDoonican · 10/02/2023 19:45

I would suspect your mental state may be feeding your perception, which is feesing back into your mental state, and so on roind and round. Ruminating I think its called.

I became (negatively) obsessed with an aspect of one of my dcs appearance, many years ago. The child was already a teen and looks very much the same now as an adult. But my anxious feelings about it have completely vanished. I see that same dc as perfect now. The feature I worried about is prwtty much identical, but my perception and attitude has done a 180.

What made the change? Some counselling on anxiety management techniques, and anti-depressant medication.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 10/02/2023 19:45

Hell I have birth to a tiny Phil Mitchell... Stayed that way until he got hair about 18 months! He was a scrunched up miserable little toad!!
But I so think your mh affects how you see your dc. Don't be afraid to confide in a professional.. They won't take your dc away if that is your worry..

Monoprix · 10/02/2023 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StephanieSuperpowers · 10/02/2023 19:47

This sounds like pnd, really. Even if your baby isn't all that attractive, most parents can't see it and think they're lovely. One of my brothers was like a cartoon slug (it's true, there's no other description) but my mother thought his unusual appearance was adorable and endearing. He turned out lovely, btw.

So I think your baby is probably lovely and you are probably having a very natural problem that many, many women have, for which help is available. I hope you feel better and enjoy your special little girl soon.

ValerieDoonican · 10/02/2023 19:48

@Monoprix don't be ridiculous. Of course she has a heart. That's why she's trying to find help and advice.

Bunce1 · 10/02/2023 19:49

@Monoprix Seriously insensitive. Reported. Shame on you!

Noicant · 10/02/2023 19:51

Mine looked a bit funny, a year later I would get people stopping to tell me how cute she was (still is).

LightDrizzle · 10/02/2023 19:54

@Monoprix also reported and glad to see it’s already deleted and someone with a heart and a brain got there before me.

@Mimi123456 I hope the overwhelming sympathetic and supportive replies you are getting here is helping a little.

RoseThornside · 10/02/2023 19:55

Definitely go and speak to your doctor about PND, but in the meantime, like lots of other posters have said, plenty of babies are a bit weird looking. I remember being convinced my dd's eyes were too close together but I'd forgotten that until this thread. She also had a weird white-eyed way of looking at you but that too has disappeared! Do you have any photos of yourself at the same age? Or of the dad? I bet you'll see similarities.

quietnightmare · 10/02/2023 19:55

PND talking. GP, therapy and time. All will work out. Does your partner/family/friends say the same as you ?

Emelene · 10/02/2023 19:59

Please talk to your GP and Health Visitor. They can help. There’s support out there and you won’t always feel like this.

Original poster
Mimi123456 · 10/02/2023 19:59

Twawmyarse2 · 10/02/2023 19:42

I have never in my life seen an ugly baby. I am very very sure she isn’t unattractive at all and this is your pnd talking.

Please speak to your doctor and ask for help. Agree with pp that you MUST make sure you are affectionate and loving towards her even if you dont feel like it - it will be very damaging to her otherwise.

It isn’t normal to feel this way about your baby and you need to get some help - I mean that in the kindest way 💐

It came across in the kindest way, thank you 💕 I promise I am giving her the attention she needs, I just feel numb while doing so.

OP posts: