Struggling with my baby's appearance

[Mimi123456]

I have struggled with my baby's appearance since the day she was born. From the moment they handed her to me, I thought she was funny looking but didn't mind as I know so many newborns can be and reassured myself that she would grow into her looks like most babies do. She is now 4.5 months and honestly sticks out like a sore thumb at every baby group we go to/park/farm etc. I have definitely struggled with PND this time round so that's part of the reason I haven't bonded with her but I know it is also down to her looks. It sounds SO awful and shallow I know, but I have eyes and know that she looks so different to all the other babies I see. She is so pale it makes her look ill and has very unfortunate shaped eyes, so things I don't feel will improve as she grows up. Babies are supposed to appear cute to their parents so that they naturally want to do all they can to help them, love them and give them everything they need. I desperately want to feel like this about her but when I look at her I just feel so disappointed that she looks the way she does, when I'd never expected her to. I wasn't expecting a model-like baby, just a baby that looks like most others. I feel like if I, her mother, feel like this about her, what on earth do other people think when they look at her and I worry about the life-long negative effects her appearance will have for her. I feel she'd be a lot better off without me here but if I did ever do anything stupid I would hate to leave my husband to have to parent alone. Sorry to put this all on here, just not many people I can speak to about this. I have spoken to a therapist but he didn't really help.. I'm not sure there's much that can help as it's not like anyone can change the situation.

Love you are totally wrong about eyes not changing - they do and so does their face so that impacts on how their eyes look. I think though you should speak to a dr to explain your concerns as maybe there is a genetic issue but also lack of bonding is a red flag for post natal depression. Was there something stressful happening in your life before they were born?

She is beautiful and she doesn’t need to get better looking eyes etc! It is just your eyes which are plagued with PND talking! Please get help. It is a good step you have taken admitting this but you need help. You will see things differently once healed. I wish you and her the best. It will get better.

My first DS was the image of FIL, who I disliked intensely. Unfortunately, he was, despite my loving him utterly, a very ugly baby. By the time he was 2, he was becoming handsome, and as a teenager, he was model-gorgeous. Still is, as a man in middle-age.

Jesus Christ.

I had a difficult birth with my first, not very well for a few months afterwards (physical and mental issues) and she was not a pretty baby AT ALL which didn't help. I remember looking at her when she was maybe 6 weeks old and thinking that I hoped I would learn to love her because at that time I just didn't think she was worth what I had and was going through.

Now, some of that was the PND - but she really wasn't a pretty baby and I have photos to prove it. Fast forward a few months and as she filled out she was no longer 'ugly' but still not what most people would call a pretty baby.

I want to tell you that she grew into the most beautiful and attractive youngster/teenager/young woman and is still a very good looking middle aged woman who looks years younger than her actual age - and we have a great, very loving relationship.

Do get some help for your PND, be honest with those you get help from about how you feel - and you will be surprised how different you feel in a few months. Hope this helps

@Mimi123456 I think part of the issue is with a young baby there's not much else to observe except their appearance.

Once she starts doing more stuff then there'll be more for you to think has potential in various ways or is interesting etc- and more for other people to see too.

Wonderful comment. Agree.

So many good posts here. I hope op is being encouraged by them ❤️

Pnd is awful I didnt have it with last years twins but I had it after our son the year before. Numb like I was doing a duty was my main thing i felt like i didn't lov him then i would cry feel like a rotten mother. Luckily my aunt and mum spotted it very quickly and within 3 weeks I was given some meds and wow am I glad they helped 6 months later back to full normality and love and adore all my babies equally now

Apparently when I was born I was an "ugly" baby...ummm thanks mum and dad.
But my dad said to mum she'll grow up to be the most beautiful woman.
I did. Hahaha just kidding, I don't think Im beautiful but my family do.

I remember my third looking a little bit like an old turtle, he's gorgeous now. Beautiful face and a kind person too.

Hi op
I was in your exact position . I am ashamed to say I felt embarrassed brining my baby to meet family. They love him immensely though. But I became fixated on his looks. My second baby is absolutely gorgeous and I constantly get comments on how beautiful he is which is really annoying as is just reinforces how ugly my first was- no one even complemented him on his cuteness which made me so insecure at the time.

I am 100% sure that I would have had a better experience of motherhood the first time if he was a cute baby. He’s primary age now and he’s just normal looking. Some days I look at him and think he’s really not that attractive (so ashamed of myself) but I love him dearly and looking back I really wish I didn’t fixate of his appearance. What I’m more concerned about now is raising a child that has good manners, is respectful and happy. Not every one can be beautiful op.

I hope you start to feel better soon feel free to pm me if you want to vent x

Both mine were startlingly ugly babies. DS1 - orange for some reason. We we had to change the loose covers on the sofa as he clashed so badly. Just funny looking in general.

DS2 - no neck. Looked exactly like Bernard Manning.

They turned into strikingly good looking toddlers and now at 20/21 they’re perfectly average looking.

Hi @Rosesarered222, I'd love to pm you but can't work out how to do it on the app. Do you know how? Xx

@MysteryBelle I really am. I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to share your thoughts and wisdom with me. I definitely feel hope that she will improve with time now, just hard to believe it sometimes when I look at her, but we shall see 🤞🏼 xx

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@OldFan Exactly. That's why I find it so hard as people look at her and usually they would then compliment the baby, but nobody does so it validates how I'm feeling.

Hi @Twawmyarse2 Thank you for your message. I promise I am looking after her as best I can, I'm breastfeeding her and we sleep together each night so she's close to me a lot and to her, I believe, she feels loved, even though I don't often feel the same way. Thankfully she's too young to notice when I'm feeling low or crying etc.

@Stupidquestion1 I really really appreciate you taking the time to post this. Your advice is really helpful and things I will definitely do. I do have some lovely photos of her, which I will print out and put around the house, like you say, it will help me to remember when we have a good bond. Sometimes I do feel like I really love her, but then I see her in a certain light (ridiculous I know), think she looks ugly and my body kind of shuts down and I don't feel anything anymore. Anyway, just want to thank you as it sounds like you had a similar experience and it's reassuring to know you have such a strong bond now. Have a great day xx

My first baby was so beautiful that I was embarrassed around other mothers. He had a golden aura like painters try to depict around Jesus. My second was an ugly red faced goblin with spiky hair and I struggled to bond.

Looking back now at photographs it’s very difficult to tell them apart!

The most helpful thing anyone said to me at the time was that where love is concerned, your actions count for more than your feelings. And that going through the motions of taking care of the baby is the important part; the feelings of love can come later.

Everyone talks about PND, but there’s a whole range of ways hormonal balances affect women before and after birth. I personally had pre natal depression, and post natal anxiety and rage but it wasn’t picked up on the PND checklist. What you’re going through is very common.

Honestly, the most beautiful woman I know was an ugly baby. Her mum outright says so and I've seen pics.

Then there are plenty of babies and children who are utterly adorable but as they grow up, they just look like a bigger version of a cutesy child and it's not attractive.

Attractiveness is down to so much more than eye shape or colouring, mouth shape, face shape etc. as long as your daughter grows up to like herself, have strong values and look after herself (emotionally and physically) she will radiate loveliness.

"The most helpful thing anyone said to me at the time was that where love is concerned, your actions count for more than your feelings. And that going through the motions of taking care of the baby is the important part; the feelings of love can come later."

I love this, thank you so much for sharing ❤️

Thank you for your kind words 💐

I once saw an incredibly ugly baby at a baby group - took my breath away because really it’s rather unusual to see a truly ugly baby. But he’s now in my son’s class (age 8) and does not stick out, perfectly normal kid, even verging on handsome! Likewise I’ve known very adorable babies to turn out very plain, and have shit personalities.

@Mimi123456 this is 100% anxiety - the way you described your body shutting down when you see her in certain light - it reminds you to be anxious and worried and you go into fight or flight mode, in your case flight so you distance yourself from her. I promise you this is what it is, you’ve described it so so perfectly this is exactly what I do whenever I have an anxious fixation.
please will you speak to a GP? Xx

This has really helped me. Thank you so much for taking the time to share ❤️