Struggling with my baby's appearance

[Mimi123456]

I have struggled with my baby's appearance since the day she was born. From the moment they handed her to me, I thought she was funny looking but didn't mind as I know so many newborns can be and reassured myself that she would grow into her looks like most babies do. She is now 4.5 months and honestly sticks out like a sore thumb at every baby group we go to/park/farm etc. I have definitely struggled with PND this time round so that's part of the reason I haven't bonded with her but I know it is also down to her looks. It sounds SO awful and shallow I know, but I have eyes and know that she looks so different to all the other babies I see. She is so pale it makes her look ill and has very unfortunate shaped eyes, so things I don't feel will improve as she grows up. Babies are supposed to appear cute to their parents so that they naturally want to do all they can to help them, love them and give them everything they need. I desperately want to feel like this about her but when I look at her I just feel so disappointed that she looks the way she does, when I'd never expected her to. I wasn't expecting a model-like baby, just a baby that looks like most others. I feel like if I, her mother, feel like this about her, what on earth do other people think when they look at her and I worry about the life-long negative effects her appearance will have for her. I feel she'd be a lot better off without me here but if I did ever do anything stupid I would hate to leave my husband to have to parent alone. Sorry to put this all on here, just not many people I can speak to about this. I have spoken to a therapist but he didn't really help.. I'm not sure there's much that can help as it's not like anyone can change the situation.

It's far too early to tell what they will look like. One of my children is beautiful now and she looked so... unusual as a baby that I was asked if she was disabled. More than once. Not in a nice way. I won't deny it bothered me. We're all only human. It continued like that until she was two or three. One day, out of the blue, she glanced at me and glimpsed a flash of real beauty in her face. Blink and you'd miss it. At that point I didn't care what she looked like as long as she was happy. But I thought gosh, that would be a turn up for the books after all this time. A year or two later and she was beautiful - not pretty but beautiful.

I do think how I may feel in Same situation and I do understand

My daughter was honestly a really ugly baby. I'd never say this to her, or anyone in real life, but she was like a wonky potato creature. Her eyes were a weird shape and really far apart, her skin was SO pale, she had weird facial proportions and just looked so different to all the cute, pudgy, perfect babies I saw everywhere.

She's 15 now and I say this in as unbiased a way as I can, she's absolutely beautiful. All the features I thought would be ugly as she aged have made her striking. Some babies are just proper weird looking, but that's ok, most baby animals are weird looking.

Definitely speak to your GP about PND as it's likely having an influence on your feelings, but really try not to worry about how she looks - she'll grow into her features eventually.

My DD certainly wasn't the cutest baby around- at six months she looked like Uncle Fester! She is nearly 3 now and has definitely grown into her looks and has such an adorable cheeky spark in her eye. She still laughs like Pat Butcher and she won't be a model, but I love the bones off her.

I thought my DD looked odd when she was young as well. In my case I think it was also clouded by PND- I didn't feel a bond for the longest time (increased because she spent first two weeks in NICU) but it did get better. A lot of what I did felt like I was just going through the motions because I had to, not because I wanted out of love. It was almost mechanical. Things did get better with time but looking back I regret not opening up more with my GP about it. I was borderline for PND at my six week check up and they did say they would offer me medication, but I refused at the time as thought I was fine. I would have benefitted from it and probably would have enjoyed my maternity leave if I did explore it, but instead shut myself away.

It's not wrong, or weak, to have these sort of feelings. It happens to some people. You should not feel judged or worried about opening up to your GP and getting a bit of help if you need it.

You are not a bad mum. Some of us just need a bit of extra help and there is nothing wrong with that.

My daughter looked like a prawn when she was born, almost see through and a bit alien looking bless her. Around 8 months she started to look like a little doll and is beautiful now. I also think some CBT would be really good for you without sounding condescending. Take care of yourself x

This made me laugh

I was a cute kid and I can remember my friends Mum saying to my friend "Condiment might grow up ugly and you might be like a Swan who is better when they are older".

I'm still the better looking one.

OP, in sure your baby is gorgeous.

My eldest was genuinely ugly baby. I did have PND but even looking back on photos I still think he looks hideous. DH thought he was lovely at the time but can now see he was a gremlin!

People told me he looked cute, but I knew the truth.

He's now 6 and is considerably more attractive! Got better at around 2.

@Mimi123456 im gonna be honest my cousin had a baby girl and she was a very strange looking baby….even she agreed!! But that baby is now 15 and she is a bloody stunner!! Now I mean stunning!!

same with a girl I work with…we did a baby pic thing in work once! She is absolutely beautiful!! But as a baby…😂😂 she admits she was more Shrek like! (Her own words!!)

DS was an odd looking baby, full head of hair from the start no baby rolls, scrawny, bit of a conehead, long chicken legs, massive feet.
SIL said erm oh he's got a lovely tan... 😂 He had jaundice. He's 4 now and genuinely objectively very cute , big dimple, curly hair, beautiful eyes, old ladies love him. I'm not going to tell you every baby is gorgeous because it's not true, but it doesn't matter. Her looks are also not what's making you feel this way.
PND is a natural and common thing, please try and get the courage to speak to your doctor about your thoughts

My son was a beautiful baby and child and is now a handsome man.

When my daughter was born she was completely different. She looked like Les Dawson and I even had two old dears stop in the street and peer into her pram and the heat they could do was coo over her clothing! 😩😂

Dresses and sweet little girl outfits looked horrendous on her and I won’t lie, I was gutted!

But when she became a toddler she turned almost overnight into a pretty little girl and was always a very attractive child and is now a beautiful woman.

How a baby looks in their first few months is not always an indication of what they will always look like.

I was in your shoes 💞
I was completely convinced my son had Down’s syndrome due to certain features and would spend the nights staring at him worrying.
he too was (and still is) very pale and isn’t ever going to be Brad pitt….but he’s gorgeous in his own way and I finally stopped worrying about him. I absolutely had PND that I got no support for and I hugely regret that.

my daughter also isn’t classically beautiful and is so pale she’s had multiple blood tests but she’s just “pale”. But again you get to a point where you truly accept them for who they are and love them.

Sending you a gentle hug xx

My mum has told me many a time she thought I was not a cute baby whatsoever… and tbh I see it, I was lanky, pale, bald, big sticky out ears which are still with me! However I’ve since grown into all of my features and I don’t think I’m too bad looking, and my mum is always saying how beautiful I was from 2 years onwards lol.

As others have said reaching out for some support will be hugely beneficial I’m sure, but I promise you aren’t the only person who has ever felt this way!xx

How brave you are to post here, OP — I know the guilt early motherhood brings all too well, and it’s so hard to break through that shame.

I wish I’d got help sooner. Go and talk to a healthcare professional, keep your chin up and be kind to yourself. Wishing you and your little girl all good things xx

I felt exactly the same, I felt like I had the ugliest baby and I was ashamed to introduce her to people. I couldn’t believe that she looked like this when her sister had been so beautiful.

I thought it was affecting my bonding with her - but what was affecting my bonding was post birth trauma and PND, which was manifesting itself as attachment issues. I was extremely lucky that I had a brilliant health visitor who spotted this and I’m now getting psychotherapy and a baby massage course from a mental health nurse. It’s really helping and yesterday I looked at her and genuinely thought she looked cute -
which felt huge.

Sending you so much love. It will get better.

I laugh that my sister was a bit odd looking as a baby and she became a beautiful woman, she's very attractive

I have never in my life seen an ugly baby. I am very very sure she isn’t unattractive at all and this is your pnd talking.

Nahhhhhh don't be daft!!! This can't be true. I see ugly babies/toddlers all the time. Doesn't mean they're any less special or loved but loads of babies just look weird!

Ha my baby looked like a little alien. That's what I said. She was really premature and she's got the nickname gorgeous!

She's a model now so she definitely grew into her looks and I think she's absolutely stunning!

Can you talk with your health visitor and approach it from the angle that your baby doesn’t resembles anyone in the family and you are worried about her unusual features ? Just to start the conversation.
Im sure your baby is lovely, I wonder if you’ve got a really fixed picture of baby in your mind maybe coming from how you looked or other babies in your family.

Oh, and I thought my little girl looked like a grumpy old lady when she was born — there was a huge disconnect between the lovely friendly bump and the red-faced screaming goblin who came out!

She blossomed, OP, in her own time. She has so much character now, and her face has become one of the loveliest things to me. I think she’s pretty now, but it’s not what I love when I look at her.

As you get to know your little girl, I’m sure you’ll be just the same x

I think you need some support for your pnd, this is much more about an interrupted bond than it is about her actual appearance. Usually mothers are the only people who don’t realise that their babies look like troll potatoes, because they’re full of love hormones - pnd messes with that. It’s absolutely not your fault, nor does it make you a bad person. You just need some help to overcome it.

You know what, your baby might well be funny looking. Both of mine certainly were. I used to say I know he’s hideous, but isn’t he adorable! So it’s honestly not the looks that are the reason you haven’t bonded, it’s the bloody pnd. You will love her and find her adorable once you get the support you need. Please see your doctor and don’t beat yourself up. You have shown how much you care by being able to recognise and admit you’re struggling xx

This is definitely the PND talking OP, please please go see a doctor. I had CBT and it helped me immensely.

on a separate note, all the people posting about their potato/cartoon slug/ toad like/ wrinkled monk babies is cracking me up. I thought my DS was funny looking when he was a baby but he tuned into a little cherub as a toddler (just looks wise, he was and still is a whirlwind ball of energy in all other respects)

This is almost certainly PND and not that you 'really' find her ugly at all.

It's brave of you to ask the question and now you need to be brave again and seek help from a healthcare professional. You'll be so thankful you have x

I thought my baby was a monster. I really thought he was a suspicious looking little gremlin. My love for him grew from a sense of duty, and now when I look back I could see that he wasn’t revolting, he was rather sweet. I don’t know if I have the goggles now or then, but it doesn’t matter.

Have a chat with the doctor and don’t punish yourself.

i had a dreadful never admitted thought about what one of mine looked like when very young
i wont divulge.
she is beautiful
it was only in the middle of that particular night.

does your lo have any developmental concerns?