Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

user1471538283 yes I am proud of us too!

Your anger is justified user1471538283. Anger can be a useful emotion, it fires up courage and gives us permission to claim our space.

And for many of us was one of the emotions that were disapproved of when we were children. Nice girls don't get angry, sadness isn't welcome, frustration and fear dismissed.
I think many of us have grown up without learning how to deal with big emotions, nice girls should be happy, sweet, kind and compliant.

So when we become adults we can struggle with our emotions, try to quash and quell those undesirable feelings, only to have them bubble up in a different guise of anxiety or depression.

I feel angry at my mother too, and investigated that.
There is no doubt that my mother grew up in a time when psychology wasn't mainstream, information sparse, and she had her own issues to deal with from her own dysfunctional childhood.
But while that can shed some light on her behaviours the fact remains that she is vindictive and malicious.
Many parents of her generation did create a supportive nurturing upbringing for their children- she chose not.
And I claim my right to feel angry. The anger fuels my own healing journey and my motivation to lift up and support my own children, making them feel valued and loved.

Thanks everyone- so many familiar stories here.

Hi everyone,

Sometimes I’m really struck by my mum’s inflexibility of thought. She wrote a message to us on our family group chat which my sister and I both (separately) interpreted in the same way, first my sister and then me, to which she replied along the lines of ‘not you as well!’, like it’s our fault. The interesting thing is how she is genuinely incapable of going ‘oh yes I can see how you read it like that’, because she really cannot see other people’s perspectives or points of view.

I know it’s a tiny tiny thing, but I found it interesting (and neither of us apologised for getting it ‘wrong’ 😊). I remember my counsellor years ago saying that people like my mum are extremely inflexible in their thinking - e.g. if you have a bouncy ball, you can kick it around and play with it, and if it goes in the sea, it would float and you could use it like a buoy/flotation device. But mum wouldn’t be able to see that.

Does anyone else’s mum do this?

Definitely.

My mother would get an idea or thought about something or somebody - usually negative - and it didn’t matter how much evidence I pointed out or provided that she might be mistaken, she wouldn’t shift from that point of view and would repeat her version endlessly to me and others.

This would often be stuff she had made up in her mind too. False memories of an incident or a completely made up scenario but she would retell these stories so often that I think, in her mind, they were true. Sometimes it was quite scary and I used to doubt my own sanity as she would talk about situations that I had apparently been involved in too, including things I had said, but I knew I hadn’t. I never worked out whether she was actively gaslighting me or she was just simply a big fantasist.

Invariably, the stories were about how someone else had been unable to cope/doing something wrong or illegal/ attacking her/desperately needed sensible advice and she stepped in and ‘saved the day’ and everyone was eternally grateful.

yes definitely gaslighting its like my grandaughters mother proper narcissistic behaviour never compliments my grandaughter no empathy and just puts everybody down says things like oh i remember teaching you how to tie your shoelaces when in fact it was her grandfather that taught her but we just let her think that mummy actually taught her its so sad for my granddaughter and we worry continuously about her when her mum is on the phone to her everything my grandaughter says its a competition like i went to the park with nanny and grandad today she will say is it as good as our park or i played lego with daddy oh we can get the lego out here you should remind me but she doesn’t spend much time with her she seems to mostly be in her bedroom when she’s at her mums shes 12 and her mum takes her phone to her bedroom to charge but just switches it of my granddaughter said why do you keep switching my phone of her mum replied it needs to be supervised
its all about control she also keeps telling my grandaughter horrible nasty lies about her dad and grandparents but we never say anything about her mum our granddaughter said her mum shouts really loud if she doesn’t agree with anything she says she visits her mum every other weekend and half the hollidays and she has grounded her a couple of times we could stop my grandaughter from visiting her mum as its a definite case of parental allienation but i think it would make things even worse for my grandaughter as she loves to see her cousins when they visit we have to try and make things easy for her but we cant give her a good mother its so hard she has excellent marks on everything at school and when we praised her her mum said stop keep praising her thats how jealous she is of her own daughter these are just a tiny piece of the story we are so worried about her i hope we can keep her grounded xx

lts all about control

Mine can’t pay compliments I am in my fifties she has managed 2 around 20 years ago and one was said sarcastically so not really a compliment in fact she used to get angry if other people paid me a compliment and shouted at them

Yes to the compliment thing too. I did my teacher training several years ago and DM said to me that they ‘all knew I’d be a headteacher in no time’. I’ve never ever wanted to be a headteacher or expressed any desire to be one - it sounded so strange and forced, it was like she was trying to give a compliment but really couldn’t?

I had a successful career pre DCs in banking, but that was dismissed of little consequence by her.
When my DCs started school I volunteered as a parent helper and was then approached by the school to apply to be a TA - a job I loved, but again she belittled the role and said it was a waste of time. However, it didn’t stop her always telling others I was actually a teacher despite me telling her it was a totally different role.

Lying just became second nature to her. She always maintained that she taught me to read and write fluently before I even started school. Absolute BS. The lies were so pointless too. Years ago we stayed in a holiday home with a bunk bed where DD (8)was on the top and DS (5) was in the lower one. She told DD that she fell off the top and that she and I had to rush in in the night and put DD back into her bed. It wasn’t true at all and really worried DD because she couldn’t remember it at all.

Oh God yes My mother does this too: How utterly bizarre.

The lying thing is so scary.
My mother has this too.
Almost as if she goes over scenarios in her own mind and with each re-telling the story grows arms and legs, And it slips from imagined to memory so easily.
Even events that I was also present she will become very angry if I contradict because she "knows" the truth.

A few years ago my mother had thyroid surgery which went smoothly. I was with her pre-op and when she was in recovery. I also read the notes related to the surgery. The surgeon spoke to us both immediately afterwards and told us the surgery went well, simple, and my mother could be discharged in a few days.

Since that time the story has grown. Now she claims the surgery was very difficult, that she died on the operating table, left her body and saw jesus who told her it was not her time.
She also claims the surgeon ran to the ward afterwards and shook her hand, claiming that it was a miracle she survived, that she had catastrophic blood loss and the theatre staff were "gripped in terror"

Except all that drama is a lie. For the first few years after her surgery she told people it was an easy surgery, as time passed the out of body was tacked onto events, and in recent years jesus was added to the story.
I have challenged her version, but she absolutely 100% believes she is telling the truth.
She has this way of inventing or modifying many events. Whether they start off as a lie or fantasy then somehow set into her memories I have no clue.
I rarely challenge her lies now, I know it will lead to her anger and upset, so I smile and grit my teeth.

I was in hospital earlier this year. My parents came to „help“. Not my choice, my adult DC asked them to come.
Had some issues with boyfriend. Mother says “just dump him”. No other discussions asking how I feel - nothing.
I accused her of having no empathy and said to her it’s just like when I had chickenpox when I was 7. I was really itchy and crying. It felt painful. She told me to shut up as I didn’t know what pain was, that my grandmother was always in pain with her arthritis.
She denied ever saying this, I was accused of making things up and being sick in the head and told I needed help.
So I told them to leave that they were no longer welcome in my house.
This was in May and I haven’t spoken since. My father’s last words to me were “Have a nice life I hope you meet some nice people”

Another one. I quit Uni after 2nd year and have worked ever since. In 2019 I decided to get a degree - it was possible to do a BA in a year with the credits I had and my work experience. I was 45.
when I got my degree it wasn’t congratulations, it was “at last, all my children have degrees”
I live abroad and don’t see my parents very often but if my SIL is there she gets all the attention from my mother as do her children. I get the feeling my mother doesn’t like it that I made her a grandmother when she was 50 so prefers the much younger grandchildren.

This is all sadly familiar, too. The most charitable thing I can say is that mine embellishes the truth, often to the point that it is no longer recognisable.

My DM lied and refused to congratulate any one on anything.

No one has ever been through what she's been through. And yet when she was supposed to take medication she didn't. She also wouldn't accept that sometimes people are out and sometimes they don't want to hear her wanging on so they don't answer the door.

All of us just existed for her convenience.

Every qualification I gained she didn't congratulation me on because of course it was easy if I could do it. This coming from a woman with no qualifications who couldn't then pass GCSEs (not hear misses, an E and a U). She didn't congratulate my DS either.

She couldn't even bring herself to congratulate what she thought were friends on the birth of their grandchildren.

It's spiteful.

When I got my degree (after she successfully sabotaged the first one ) I got ‘so have you proved yourself now I don’t suppose you will be going to the graduation will you’ that’s it no congratulations I went to the graduation and went out for a nice dinner and had a lovely time never told her though

Its really crap when our mothers don't recognise our successes.

We can work hard to break away from needing validation, but there is always some part of us hard wired to seek our mother's approval.

I have worked hard to build a small business and I know my mother is ashamed of what I do, she even lies to her friends and other family members, making up elaborate lies to hide the nature of my work.
My OH, DD and DS are all proud of what I do, even my OHs family are very supportive, but not her.
I try to frame it in a "fuck you" attitude, but I know that there is part. of me who would love to hear a "well done"
I know that will never come, for many reasons, including jealously on her part.

I totally agree. I was a single mum from when my daughter was 2. Living abroad. I got a decent job, my salary has increased well. I own my house (with mortgage) in a nice area.
she’s never said my house is nice or that I’ve done well.
she says - you know we spent a lot on your wedding and you divorced, not you’ve done well in your life. Yes the wedding that I had no say over and all of her friends were invited. My friends were only allowed to the evening reception.
the same woman that accused me of making up gastroenteritis while on holiday because they bought my brother a mini TV and nothing for me (I was 12, on first holiday abroad). Refused to take me to a doctor for hours. Then when I was told not to eat and just drink fluids, took us all out to a restaurant and I sat there as she ate a huge beef tomato stuffed with fresh tuna and kept telling me how delicious it was.

NCParents good for you you can now get on with your life xxx

why do we want the validation from these narcissistic parents we all give our grandaughter praise and tell her we love her and that we are so lucky to have her but she said to me the other day that all she ever wanted was a good mum
i wish we could make life easy for her love to all of you be proud of yourselves xxx

I think we are wired like all species to want a good mum. And we are surrounded by good mothers.

I used to be amazed by friends' mothers who were interested in their children. Or my DGMs who were still interested in their children. My DMs mother adored her.

I had all the love in the world from my DF thank goodness but I still wanted my mum to care. Or even just give a shit occasionally.

I cannot imagine wishing your DC to have a shit life so you can crow about how much better you are than them. But that's what she wanted.

And now she's long dead I often wonder what was the point? All that spite and being self absorbed got her nowhere.

Very, very good point.

My DF clearly loved me - thank goodness - but he enabled her terribly. He was a widower when they met and I suspect, emotionally vulnerable. She no doubt targeted him and charmed him (I saw her do the same to entrap my stepfather too) and DF must have thought he was so lucky at the time.

DF just wanted a quiet life. He used to enjoy taking me out for the day alone, when she wasn’t in the mood to come, and we shared a love of history by visiting so many places. However, he used to ask me not to ‘upset’ her “because you know what your mother is like” and his way of coping when she was on one, was to go out and leave me with her. She would then verbally (and sometimes physically) attack me and accuse me of ruining their marriage and that DF had left the house because of my behaviour - I was primary school age and the meekest and most fearful child ever!

She was obsessed with my personal hygiene too and was always complaining to DF about me. One day she was convinced I hadn’t washed my neck properly and so DF said he’d go and get some sandpaper and do it himself so she’d be happy. I was so frightened for ages that the one person I thought was on my side would even suggest that.

Looking back, I honestly think she resented me in some bizarre way - possibly because she saw me as a rival to DFs love and attention which is so illogical as it’s a completely different relationship.

When DF was diagnosed with cancer, I’ll never forget the smirk on her face when she said to me, “You know your father is dying, don’t you?” I was 16. No kindness, hope or preparation to deliver those words. Just right between the eyes. And when he was dying, she still made it about her, how tough it was for her and what a martyr she was visiting him in the hospice (because she wouldn’t allow him home as he wanted)

Such a witch. I was actually relieved to be able to use the pandemic as an excuse not to even attend her funeral. I paid the undertaker to take care of everything, and asked that a priest attended, but I couldn’t go through the theatre of dutiful daughter. Her ashes are sitting on a shelf somewhere but I’m not sure I can even be bothered to dispose of them myself. Is that really bad?

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas - what an awful woman she was. Nothing you've done or continue to do is bad.

It's good you didn't go to the funeral. I went to my DMs for her family not because I wanted to. It was a pathetic thing.

If having her ashes in the house affects you I would say to get rid. If they don't then just leave it.

Her family scattered my DMs ashes. Left to me they would have gone in the bin because what was the point. Is there someone who could do it for you?

Like you my DM saw me as competition for my DF. What a sick mindset they had.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas - again with these women thinking they are so special and they are all the same!

My DM tried to make my DFs death and funeral about her and they'd been divorced 18 years. Wailing widow, attention, trying to pretend she was supporting me. I didn't even speak to her.

I'm so sorry about your DF and you were so young. I still grieve my DF and I was an adult. Her though, I've never grieved. I just hate and I'm not a hateful person.

It’s DM’s birthday next week. I’m torn. Been NC since May. Sporadically speaking to DF but can’t forgive him for what he said to me. I did wish him a happy birthday.
If I send a card it will pass on the wrong sentiments.
More and more things she has or hasn’t done keep coming back after reading this thread.
My younger brother is her blue eyed boy. Can do no wrong ever.

@NCparents - I know it's hard. We are wired to care. Do what feels right for you.

I stopped buying cards or presents for my DM because she was so dismissive of anything I bought her. She rarely even thanked me even when I sent her a huge bunch of flowers.