Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

On my DBs 21st there was a big deal about giving him a chq for £50, we were in a social club at the time, as soon as my DF went to the bar my mother turned round and said don’t bother cashing it there is no money in the account. For my 21st 3 years later I had a big gesture of do you want chq or cash, I opted for cash. Later that day my mother wanted to meet me shopping, made a big deal of mother/daughter bonding, surprise surprise she asked to borrow the £50 back, unfortunately for her I’d been quick enough to spend it on myself!

Every year we’d hear how no one ever made an effort for her, I like to bake cakes and one year made my DF one, all I heard was no one every made her one. I remember one year tracking her and my DF down in a pup, long before mobile phones, I’d walked an hour to get to the pub, gave her a card and gift for Mother’s Day, the whole time she whinged that her children never do anything for her and she’d got nothing for Mother’s Day all because she her precious boys hadn’t bought her anything, she was quite literally sat with my gift, her favourite No7 makeup that I couldn’t afford right in front of her….

Yes the double standards for the men in the family. I can't remember a single one that bought her cards or presents off their own bat unless they were in a relationship and not a word was said, ' that's what boys are like ' but god forbid one of her daughters didn't make a huge thing of her birthday. Phonecalls were expected on the morning. Gifts would be opened and put immediately to one side with barely a change of expression or a begrudged thank you.
But if one of the boys sent her a happy birthday text or bothered to call then it would be all over Facebook " Thank you to my lovely son xxxx for the wonderful birthday wishes, #blessed# loved#boysarethebest"

Men always had ‘proper’ jobs and consequently ‘worker harder’ so they shouldn’t be expected to do housework, even if a couple worked full time.

When I was promoted at work, she wasn’t particularly interested as there was no reflected glory on her. Successful women were always dismissed as ‘masculine’ or ‘men haters’ When DD went to university, mother viewed it as just a form of dating agency. “Hopefully she’ll. meet a nice young trainee doctor/vet when she’s there” We lost count of the number times she asked DD what her degree was in too. Nothing to with forgetfulness, she just wasn’t interested, although she was always full of how wonderfully successful her friend’s DCs were. I honestly think she knew more about them than her own grandchildren.

My opinion was never valid, “Have you asked DH yet? Do you think he would approve/agree? You’d better check he’s happy first” When I told her DH would be happy with any decision I made, her response was, “You know men don’t like bossy/pushy women!”

No wonder so many of us grew up with totally screwed up ideas about relationships and became people pleasers. We were ‘trained’ to accommodate other’s feelings at the cost of our own for fear of being labelled ‘selfish, spoilt and self centred’ All of which were regularly thrown at me if I dared to challenge her.

I’ve mentioned before on this thread how I’ve often been complimented on my ability to defuse situations and handle tricky individuals. Sadly, it’s not a skill I particularly take pride in. It became a necessary survival tool because I never knew from one day to the next what sort of mood I would have to be dealing with - whether it was the charming, loving golden mother or having to walk on eggshells with the spiteful, physically and verbally abusive one. As a child I just had to learn distraction techniques, usually by paying her a gushing compliment as she couldn’t resist hearing how wonderful she was.

typical narc screaming out for praise and compliments all the time xx

All these stories are so sad, but somehow reassuring that I am not the only one experiencing a narc mother.

My mother has gone to church this morning, she is wearing a 5 day heart monitor at the moment ( a routine follow up after a mild stroke a few months ago).
She has up until now been comfortable with the soft wires under loose clothing, and the battery pack in her pocket. This morning I see she has brought out the wires so they are visible over her clothes, and put the battery pack around her neck with a cord. She left saying " It's going to be so embarrassing wearing this in church" But she has planned this for maximum supply, milking the congregation for sympathy,, compliments, kind words while she plays sweet lost kitten.
Truly nauseating to witness and watch her in action..

Sounds so familiar JohnPrescottsPyjamas.
Growing up I was led to believe that I was only half a person without a husband, and from a creepily young age she would start eyeing up suitors for me.
When I was six I remember her pointing out boys in my class and asking if I would like them as future husbands. I was 6 FFS!

She also doesn't think women are as capable or as smart as men. She won't visit a female doctor or dentist, and does not believe in equal pay.
She thinks it is fair for men to be paid more for a job because they are "cleverer and stronger" than women.

When my OH comes in from work she will start to fawn and usually say "Here's the worker", she scurries about and will often comment about the fact I haven't cooked dinner for him.

In truth I work longer hours and earn more than my OH ( I run a small business from home), but that fact is never recognised. My OH feels very uncomfortable when she praises my OH for " keeping a roof over our heads" and "working so hard to put food on the table"

I am going through some serious grey rock with my mother- it gives me respite.

you know the old saying you can choose your friends not your family why should we put up with family we dont like we owe them nothing xx

@speakout I couldn't stop laughing about the wires and battery box wrapped around so everyone could see it. 😀
You see, I think it's really really funny when it's not your mother. And I need to explore this more. I think if I get to see the funny side of things with my own mother does/ says it could be the best way of coping. It's really pathetic and we should be able to see it as it is and laugh about it.

About men, my NM is 100 per cent like that too. Men are just so superior compared to women for her. My grandmother told me my mother cried when I was born as she wanted a son and ended up with two daughters. She treats men always as deserving special treatment
So so pathetic.

I had a great weekend and was able to ignore all the stupid comments my mum made when I talked to her. All the best to all of you. Hope you had a good weekend too. xxx

sorry to post on here in a slightly different vein but I recently had my second baby and just like after having my first, Im really struggling thinking about the way I was treated by my mum thinking I could never do that to my own kids. It’s really brought it all up.

Ive recognised and come to terms with her behaviours and what they are and can usually rise above it and not let it affect me so much but it’s really hurting now. Has anyone had a similar experience after having children? Did you do anything that helped?

I’m not if this really helps, but I felt having my own family unit meant I was able to break the cycle of abuse and almost take back some control. Even when I was a child, I can remember consciously thinking to myself that I would never treat my own children the same way especially when I saw how different my friends’ relationships were with their parents and how they didn’t seem to be permanently fearful like I was.

There were times too when my own children were challenging - as all children are at times - and I was occasionally very frightened that I might turn into my mother and possibly overthought my own responses rather than accepting that it’s normal as a parent to sometimes feel angry and frustrated, but that it’s a world away from a narc parent who either subtly humiliates and chips away or is emotionally and/or physically abusive.

The fact that you are clearly able to be reflective and aware shows you are already doing a great job as a parent and are sensitive to your children’s needs so you’ve also broken that cycle too. Please be so proud of yourself and enjoy and take pleasure in your children - something that all our mothers missed out on and never achieved.

My mother can criticise and take the piss out of others , if you complain you're accused of not being able to take criticism or take a joke , but woe betide if you do it to her ! All hell breaks loose .

I agree JohnPrescottsPyjamas it is a double edged sword anaconda1831.

Having my own children really highlighted the dysfunction in my own upbringing, but that also brought a clarity to how I wanted to change things.

When my first was born I deep dived into parenting ideas, ways of relating to my children so I could raise them with healthy self esteem, have respect for themselves and others, incorporating non violent communication.

In some ways my mother gave me a blue print of how not to parent. I knew a lot of things I would never do with my own.

And by and large it has worked. Even now that my children are young adults I continue to recognise the gaps in my own upbringing.
I was asked to leave home at 18, and fell into the arms of an abusive man, suffered years of abuse, physical and emotional, my life was chaotic, I struggled to manage my finances, my anxiety and depression made my life very hard.

The very few times I asked for help ( when I had been beaten) my mother would tell me not to be so annoying, or " you have made your bed - now lie in it", or " I am much better at choosing husbands than you"
Again that has strengthened my resolve to support my kids as they launch into adulthood.
I encourage their independence, but I am there if things get complicated, dealing with car finance, rent, medical issues, dealing with vets, plumbers, and all the adult stuff that has to be learned.
And still be a safe of safety for them if they are unwell, or upset- hugs, hot chocolate and a movie are never age limited.
They seek out my company for meals out, holidays abroad, shopping trips.
I had none of that with my mother- I still don't.

@speakout Excellent, excellent post. Put much more eloquently than mine - and totally agree.

Very good point about asking for help. A good friend and/or partner that you know you can trust and rely on for support and non judgemental advice is invaluable. Sadly, we should be able to rely on our mothers for support and guidance at this special time - and in a normal family, we would do. Unfortunately, a NP will either make it all about them, create a drama or perversely use any minor hiccup as an opportunity to shake your confidence, especially as having a new baby can sometimes make anyone feel fragile on occasions.

And knowing this thread is here if you want reassurance. It’s been a huge comfort and is helping me come to terms with having an NP. I thought my mother was a one off and somehow it was me that was not being a good daughter, but so many experiences related here mirror my own exactly. You don’t have to justify yourself as we all know exactly what it’s like. Xx

JohnPrescottsPyjamas thank you.

I agree that this thread is amazing, so much of my life I have felt the bad daughter, it has taken a huge amount of work and effort to move away from that mindset.
This thread is so validating.

I agree about our Narc mothers taking advantage of our vulnerabilities.

When my DD was three days old I saw one of my mother's acquaintances in town, and reported back to my mother.
My mother took great pleasure in telling me that her friend thought I looked "terrible".
I had given birth 3 days prior, was tired, sore, my hair scraped back and no make up.
Why my mother saw fit to pass on this comment is just indicative of her twisted motivations. What purpose would it serve to let me know I wasn't looking my "best" just a few days after giving birth.
I asked her why she felt it necessary to tell me that I looked so bad.
She shrugged and said " don't shoot the messenger".

I can't imagine being so cruel and unthinking to anyone, especially my daughter.

Like many of us I have 100 stories about my mother, and it seems that we can all relate.

Take comfort in knowing we are not alone, it isn't us that have done wrong, that we have woken up to the whole sordid dynamic and courageous enough to break the cycle.

I’ve found this thread very helpful too. I was reflecting on the fact that my mother always comments on what I’m wearing, whether I need to lose weight or implicitly suggesting I need to get more hobbies . Being an around her always makes me feel miserable and depressed about myself because she seems so view me so negatively . Now she is elderly I do a lot of practical stuff for her. I resent it because she’s never done a thing for me . My sister who freeloads off her is treated completely differently. Never a comment about her appearance or critical comments. It is so unfair.
Recently my mother suggested we meet weekly for lunch.
I just couldn’t think what to say. I would hate that because she’d pull me down every time. I can’t tell her what I really think or feel about anything so it’s a case of constantly keeping my guard up. It’s exhausting. At the same time I feel so guilty for avoiding her as she’s very lonely and I am the only one living nearby. I know I’m going to be consumed with regret that I wasn’t there for her more in her last days but I really don’t enjoy being around her at all.

SilverLiningPlaybook the guilt is all part of the play. Your mother is probably lonely because she has pissed off all her friends- it isn't your responsibility to save her from loneliness. It is unlikely she would be so concerned about your welfare if the tables were turned.

Narcs are very good at behaving like a 5 year old.

Don't wear the bad/guilty t shirt- that is not who we are. The guilt is how we are being manipulated.

If you do want to help without incurring damage to yourself then find out opportunities locally for her to socialise with others.

I contacted the local Red Cross, they keep a list of all the activities for elderly.

My mother goes to several things a week- she joined a local church, they have sandwiches afterwards on a Sunday, and the church members often pick her up through the week for lunch. There is a day centre in the next village - those are all day things, from 9am till 4pm lunch teas, entertainment all included- she attends twice a week.
There is an elderly transport service that takes a bunch of people regularly to shopping centres, supermarkets etc.
It has been worth my effort to do the research - my mother gets the supply social contact she needs, but not at my expense.

Oh yes, it’s very easy for them to guilt trip us into supplying their emotional needs when they reach a certain stage in life.

My mother spent all her life telling me how popular she was, how many friends she had and how everyone wanted her to be part of their social circle - but still ended up a lonely old woman relying on me as her only source of company.

Someone once told me that people are either radiators or drains and an NP is definitely the latter. Totally exhausting as you are either pulled down their rabbit holes or on guard trying to protect and defend your own corner.

Is it possible you could encourage your mother to sign up for some sort of social club or event? Easier said than done I know. Mine would regularly ring me in tears telling me how lonely and cut off she felt (I was an only child and lived 1.5 hours away ) but whenever I organised anything, even down to transport to get her to and from the venue, she would send the driver away and say she was far too busy or had already made arrangements to meet ‘friends’ so she clearly didn’t want a solution, just a problem.

There are traps at every turn aren't there.

I find myself checking and searching everything I say for loopholes.

She is very active in her religion and has a large network of help and contacts from that. I am the only family member nearby who will help. My brother is 20 miles away but sees her about once a year. My sister visits once every 18 months or so but she is further away. Her religious friends do an awful lot for her but she still spends much of her time alone:

As speakout says, there are so many traps. Generally, I try to give my DC all the things I lacked - warmth, comfort, validation and love. It’s an endless thing.

Lots of love I tell mine daily I love them it’s important even though I think it annoys my daughter , mine never said it or even behaved as though they did I always felt unwanted and unloved ( my mum even once told me I was not wanted )

Thanks everyone xxx this thread is brilliant

I think this thread is very, very sad (and sometimes I can’t read it as it’s too upsetting) but it’s also uplifting, because we can offer support and understanding.

I also find this thread sad and reassuring in equal measure. It helps to know we’re not alone (sometimes in fact our DMs seem to be following the same scripts, which is quite eery!).

My style of parenting was to copy my DF in some ways and do the exact opposite of my DM. I too have always made sure he is supported even as an adult and that he is the most important person in my life.

I asked my DM for help once when I was pregnant. Not only did she refuse her plan was to see me pregnant, alone and living in an unsuitable place. She would have loved that the evil bitch.

My DM was on her own alot despite supposedly having so many friends (including my friends according to her). But even when people tried to involve her in stuff she would offend them so they didn't bother again. Or even if people continued to try she would refuse.

I don't know what she ever wanted. I know she thought she didn't have enough of whatever it was. She died alone which was her dread and i didn't and don't feel guilty. I'm still just angry.

@RenewableNewt - they are all the same despite them thinking they are unique or special. And we are all survivors! I'm so proud of us all!