Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 3

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. It continued to a second thread here: Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2 | Mumsnet I hope this thread can continue the good work of its predecessors. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here. The world is a better place with you in it, despite what you might have been conditioned to believe by those who brought you into it. x

I love this thread, nice to know it wasn't just me who had an awful mother.

1. After years of infertility, and a successful IVF, I was told 'Don't get too excited as you'll probably have a miscarriage'.
2. She was late to my wedding and refused to see me before I walked down the aisle, said she'd 'Save the humour of watching me in church, she needed the laugh' ... 10 minutes before I walked down the aisle with those words ringing in my ears.
3. Passing my driving test, 'Don't think you're anything special, millions of people drive' ... apart from you mum who refused to ever take lessons or drive.
4. Invited her to my graduation, graduated at 27 as my parents refused to let me go to university as I was 'too thick'. Yet I am the only one out of 5 siblings with a degree, parents don't have any qualifications other than O Levels. I was told 'I'd rather watch paint drive than you parade yourself making out you are some big shot, they must hand degrees out to any old thicko these days'
5. From around the age of 7 / 8, year 3 at school, 'You're going to die an old spinster, people will say urgh look at that old spinney in the corner' I asked my school teacher what my parents meant and she was absolutely horrified.
6. After an awful divorce where me and ex fought in court over our child, I asked my mum to give a statement to CAFCAS, as requested and she told me 'Yes, I'll get great pleasure telling them to take your child off you and never let you grow old having children' This one was the one which caused me to go completely non contact.
7. After telling her my husband cheated 'Well do you blame him'?

It's been 3 years, and I'm very glad to not have anything to do with her.

Thank you for the new thread @01Name.

@CherryGarcia23 I hope the 3 years of NC have brought you some peace and headspace.

💐 to everyone on this and the previous threads

DM and my relationship (or lack of) with her is at the forefront of my mind at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s because I have a big birthday ending with a zero coming up, which feels like a bit of a milestone, or because DH and I are TTC, but that idea of the mother wound is looming large for me at the moment.

I’m so worried that having a baby will trigger a new bout of her behaviour like she was when I first moved to DH’s town about 7 years ago. It feels kind of self-fulfilling because she’ll get at me for the ILs seeing more of me and the baby, but if she behaves like that, it’ll make me want to see her less anyway. But she doesn’t ever see it like that, she sees me as cold (which she’s told me to my face before, and honestly feels like a massive projection).

I already know I would never want her to have my DC unsupervised or overnight, so I’m anticipating future battles over that, not that I want to get ahead of myself.

Honestly, I can’t bear the thought of her being near me while/if I’m pregnant. Something about it makes my skin crawl, I don’t know if it’s the idea of some kind of vulnerability or something.

Going to wait until such a time as we get a BFP and then book some more counselling… 🙂

@RenewableNewt Thank you 💝.

@CherryGarcia23 That's horrific; I am so sorry. I really wish you and your child a happy and fulfilling future. Your M will die alone, soaked in her own filth and probably utterly baffled as to why no-one bothers to visit and wipe her down. But that's entirely her own fault and absolutely none of yours.

Strength and love. xx

@CherryGarcia23 wow, what a vile, horrible person your other is. You are right to go no contact.
@RenewableNewt a baby can often be a trojan horse for an Narc mother to wheedle their way into your life again as there is societal pressure to "let the children see their grandparents" and you can mistakenly believe they will be better behaved and the baby can help mend bridges. Don't fall for it - stick to your guns and just really severely limit any phone or physical contact and saty strong with "the flying monkeys." You have good instincts desiring to protect your baby that are making "your skin crawl" with the thought of your mother being near your baby.

@01Name Thanks for the thread. I'm so sorry you are having to give a speech in honour of your mother, what a mindf**k for you. Can you cry off sick nearer the time? Stock phrases like cooks lovely food, always looks smart, likes gardening spring to my mind that say something "nice" but don't in any way praise the person's personality or convey they have been loving.

Since last posting on here (threads one and two I’m a veteran 😂) I’ve gone totally NC as my NM just got worse. Last thing she said to me was ‘you’ve got serious mental health issues and need serious professional help, piss off” before slamming her door in my face: im
46 mother of two, married 12 years, many friends, successful career. So yeah I’m the one who’s totally batshit crazy not her. My crime on this occasion? Returning a suitcase to her she’d ‘given’ me six years earlier than suddenly needed back. It was the day after her birthday so I also had some presents for her from my kids, but when I had taken it around I’d said ‘look I’m sorry we’re all going to need a bit of space again (I had text her that morning to say I’d been upset she hadn’t even acknowledged my happy birthday message the previous day, her reply was (by text) I don’t need to put up with your abuse…
so I went to take her stuff and ask for space (poss hoping for her to see sense) and I got that instead.
my 46th birthday came and went in august and she didn’t even acknowledge it.
im her eldest of two daughters.
my sister is the golden child. She hates me.
she’s now sitting very comfortably in the victim space saying I abused her and won’t let her see her grandchildren.
its mental.

on another note her dad passed away earlier this year (90 and lived a good life) she wrote and delivered his eulogy and managed to make most of it about her, with a few passive aggressive digs at his deceased partners family thrown in for good measure. I had to stop myself from laughing it was so darkly funny and grim

My DH's family say things like "Well we had to lie to you or you wouldn't have done what we want"

JFC @CherryGarcia23

I personally think you're amazingly. Abd well dine fir going nc

Do they not see as manipulation?
Oh wait ......

@Nicola101177

(I had text her that morning to say I’d been upset she hadn’t even acknowledged my happy birthday message the previous day)

^^^**
Genuine question- why did you even tell her?
Were you trying to get her to 'finally' admit unfair (nasty and vicious) she is to you?
(I'm married to a golden child and won't stand for any of his dm nonsense towards his siblings)
One of my best friend is just like you , successful, many, many friends and her spending time with her makes her absolutely ragged - and then her dm will 'I don't know why she won't answer my phone calls.
Are this 'ladies' jealous to death of their younger, successful daughters and just can't hack it.
to you all.

@01Name - I would refuse to do the speech - what are they going to do?

@RenewableNewt - My DM showed no interest in my DS at all (she wasn't interested in me) except to brag to her "friends" that he was in public school (that I paid for) and how she would have to get used to him no longer going there - eh? So with any luck your DM won't be interested. Regardless your DC is yours and your DH's DC and she will have to abide by that.

People always have something to say though but they haven't lived with this.

I am not sure why I told her ti be honest. I think I’d just had enough. I think I’m too normal and expect normal responses from people, like, you know….saying ‘thanks!’ When someone sends you a message saying ‘happy birthday’
it was a bit of a final straw of a few weeks of her ghosting messages and just generally acting like a dick towards me. She literally has no shame about how she treats me. I couldn’t even contemplate treating my daughters with the disdain she shows me. Then she’ll complain I don’t ‘love her’ or show her respect
it would be funny if it wasn’t tragic

Random recollection - I once started to choke on some pork at a family bbq and my husband looked panicked and I looked at my mother and i was very confused then realised my confusion was that her expression in her eyes was one of pure glee. She was enjoying watching me choke.
I didn’t choke I got it down.
but my god.
that look

My mum tried to convince me I had brain damage for many, many years. So every time I called her out on a lie, she could tell me it was that I hadn't perceived things properly because of my brain damage.

So sorry to everyone who has had a mother like this. I feel like mine was tame in comparison to some. But she still managed to fuck me up pretty badly!

@Nicola101177
Thank you for explaining.

Many years ago, in my naïvety, I was sad to learn about all these poor old folk in care homes, whose adult children never went to see them.
Or just went sparingly.
Guilt visits at Christmas etc.
I just couldn't understand it.
I came from a very loving family - (we're not perfect though.)
But having married dh and seen his family's dynamic and experienced others, in 30 years , I can Completely understand why..,,.,and I don't blame them.
Never as 'you reap what you sew' been more prevalent.

Heartfelt sympathy with every one of you who has posted here - I am horrified by some of the things your mothers have said to you. I couldn’t imagine saying anything like this to my daughter - I take such pleasure in her being happy, learning and growing. I hope she has wonderful experiences and a lot of love and care in her life. I also hope she surpasses me in terms of career and earnings (whatever makes her happy though) and I will be proud of her whatever she does. I can’t imagine being jealous of her or bitter. It’s just unfathomble. You all deserve medals for getting through it and living good lives.

I,m trying to imagine how I would give a speech for my mother if I had to @Nicola101177
I think it would be very basic, eulogise about how we were always clean, and well fed, and try and think of a few specific anecdotes when she wasn't a complete arsehole.

@Nicola101177 - that could be my DM! Whenever anything happens to me she was either disinterested or gleeful. Sometimes she would clap her hands. It's so awful.

She also told any upset I had to her "friends' and gloat over it. I often wonder what they must have thought because they appeared to be good mothers. My DM used to complain that they did too much for their DC so I assume they were good or decent.

It's bizarre. All I've ever done is protect my DS.

Why are these women so awful? Why do they so this, and enjoy inflicting such pain onto their daughters / children? This may have been answered in Threads # 1 & # 2 which I'll get around to.

I have always known my M was so jealous of me, and it made me so uncomfortable, like I hated being near her, but forced it all the time as that's what daughters do.

I have found out that since I have gone NC she forged a relationship with my cheating ex and they'd meet to talk about me?!. In my 12 year marriage, her and my ex refused to be in the same room as each other. What's the saying, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer? She is so pathetic.

To everyone on this and previous threads, you are brilliant, and I hope the sadistic people in your lives get Karma ..... 10 fold.

Thank you @SapatSea, you've summed it up perfectly. I might have one more crack at getting my brother to do it. She wouldn't let me speak at my lovely dad's funeral because I was such a "family embarrassment" (poor dad was often the voice of reason and a useful ally), so I might unhitch that old donkey and see where it runs...

Failing that, I will speak to the dog about timetabling an upset tummy. He's robustly healthy but very compliant and amenable when tactical farting/puking needs invoking. I'm sure he'd appreciate being involved, he's a good boy.

I don't know why these women are so awful and delight in their cruelty. The best I can come up with is jealousy and resentment of the attention being divided from them. But I suspect that they were always this awful - we just provide them with an outlet for it that might otherwise remain masked. We can at least take solace in seeing through them and striving to be as unlike them as possible. That's poor comfort though.

x

Yes to inflicting discomfort on us. Mine made a joke about me at a family dinner at the height of her very difficult behaviour towards me, and when I showed discomfort or upset (but didn’t say anything), she crowed ‘oh she doesn’t like that!’ about me.

@CherryGarcia23 your NM keeping in touch with your ex is such a betrayal

@01Name that's so sad about your father's funeral. My father is acknowledged by all as a "lovely man" and was a comfort to me as a child but I fear knowing what I know now that he was merely her enabler. Do you feel that about your father? When my NM was very violent to me or cruel verbally he used to say I should forgive her because she had a bad childhood ( like I didn't!), my NM is now dead but my F still talks about her as if she was mother of the century and a living saint ( little does he know the vile things she used to say to me when I was a child about not loving him and ridiculing him) and since her death he only seems interested in the "golden child" and her family although they treat him badly when he hares over to visit them at any opportunity. I really hope you can get out of giving the speech.

@RenewableNewt they do like causing us discomfort. They are like the meanest girl you could imagine and you have to live with them and as a child still crave their approval and love. It horrible when you let your guard down and confide in them and they turn it against you. You can see the smirk when they triumph over you!

NM must know what they are doing because they treat each child in the family differently.They enjoy playing God!

@SapatSea

You have just touched on enabling behaviour by your dad. I very much had that, he was scared of her but also a bad dad. I remember a number of instances where my dad sat back and allowed my NM to be violent to me, once she was pulling my hair and digging her thumbs into my eyes because I put mascara on at around age 12, I had a thumb nail cut on each eyelid, he pulled her off me, and at the time I thought he was my hero. Another time my NM told my brother to beat me up, and she stood there laughing, my dad only intervened when he saw my nose and lip bleeding, and stopped my brother as he was concerned how they'd explain any bruising to the school. My NM responded by telling my brother to continue kicking me in the back and stomach only.

Writing this out is horrible, that woman was so much worse than a narc, she was disgusting a vile bully.