Death of close friend - what to tell 3 year old?

[car25]

I have just lost a very close friend, what do I tell my 3 year old? She asked me this morning where he was? I am not religious, and am unsure of what to say?

I'd just tell them that they dies which means that their body doesn't work any more and that they won't see them again. Children are quite accepting of the facts but often then pipe up a month or so later "I miss x" which has you in floods of tears etc.

Very sorry to hear of you loss btw, hope you're okay.

I lost a friend when DS was about that age. I told him she'd died and I would never see her again. He still remembers her (he's 8 now) when he sees her in photos.

When my dd's step mums dad died I told her that he was going on a long special journey and that we would never see him again, that he was never going to come back to us and that was very sad for everyone, but everyone would always remember and keep him in thier hearts.

I am sorry that you have lost a friend

my dd was 3 when my grandpa died. not the same situation as you since dd didn't know him and it wasn't a surprise so while i was sad i wasn't upset.

i just explained it very matter of factly. others may not agree or be comfortable with it but i find that small children can accept things you might expect to be difficult quite straightforwardly.

so i said that he had died, which meant he wasn't here any more. she asked what happened to him after he died and i said that his body would be put in the ground. i said that people are sad when other people die that they won't see them any more and people have different ways of feeling better about that. that some people believe you live on somewhere else and that i think that the person who died isn't completely gone if other people think about them and remember them. i told her it was up to her what she chose to believe.

she seemed to understand all this and wanted to talk about it occasionally and i tried to answer all her questions as straightforwardly as i could. i think that did involve talking about being eaten by worms and turned back into soil that then feeds plants and the whole circle of life thing. it may seem a bit gruesome but you also get the chance to talk about being made of stardust which is cool

i realise this approach isn't right for everyone and you may find you're too upset to answer graphic questions (and i hope i haven't been too graphic here, apologies if i have) but this is how we approached it. i'm sorry for your loss.

actually car25 i'm worried now that i've been insensitive to your feelings in my answer. i'm very very sorry if i have upset you.

Thank you all for your kind messages, he was only buried yesterday and I don't think I'm up to telling my child anything just yet without getting very emotional.

Puppydavies, you haven't been insensitive at all, I want to tell my child the truth without any "stories" so your advice is welcome.

In fact I want to be so honest with her that I'm even finding the whole Father Christmas thing difficult!

I attempted the truthful approach with our 3yr old DS. It took him about 2 seconds to ask whether DH and I would ever die, with his bottom lip trembling and going slightly pale with fear. We both blurted out "No, of course not" without even thinking. Thus endeth the truthful approach. So be aware the questioning can go to some tough places.