How do you deal with defeatist whinging? (talk/listen/listen/talk people particularly welcome!)

[NotQuiteCockney]

DS1 (nearly 6) is lovely really but a bit of a whingebag sometimes. I find this very hard when, say, his brother has one of his toys, and I'm getting DS1 not to snatch it back.

DS1 starts a monologue on how he will never ever get this toy back, and his brother will have it forever, and he will never ever ever get it back.

I try to be sympathetic but mostly end up going .

How can I not deny his feelings yet get him to STFU? Do I need to say 'it's annoying when your brother has something you want, I wish I could magically make their be two of them?'. Any other ideas? (I've just had that one now ...)

Whinging is learnt behaviour. When the children are whinging tell them you can't hear them until they talk properly.
rmemind him of what he used to be like when that age and tell him the little one just wants to be like him.

Hmmm ... but he's genuinely upset, or works himself up to be. I'm trying to be sympathetic to his feelings these days, rather than behaviourist about it ...

Okay, talk to him about the other toys his brother has had but has got back.

Yes, that should help some ...

I do waver on this, I have gone for 'I can only hear happy voices' as a policy, in the past.

Children do get so possessive about their toys and it does feel like they will never get them back.

I'd ask him how he thinks the situation can be solved, and tell him that you are happy to help with the solution.

Try and get him to focus on the outcome, (ie getting his toy back from his brother), rather than panicking about the current situation.

DS2 is a worrier, and when he was younger he was permanently in some state of crisis. He just couldn't overcome his anxiety long enough to rationalise the situation at hand.

So we started asking him to "think of a plan".

And it worked.

It felt like we were pandering to him for a while, tbh, but it helped lessen his anxiety, and made for a much calmer household.

He is now (at 9.5) a super problem solver, and always takes his wallet when we go to Asda, as he knows I will forget the £1 coin for parking, and he likes to save the day.

That's great!!

Oooh, HC, thanks. I think we will go for that. He has a freak out about this toy thing about once per day, and it feels like groundhog day (overhearing a friend's very reasonable 5-year-old do the same thing yesterday was oddly calming).