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Parenting

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Original poster

Advice need re DD who speaks to grandparents like sh*t!

19 replies

helenelisabeth · 13/07/2007 13:13

This is my first post in Mumsnet but I have lurked for a long time and I am getting desperate re DD who is 4. DD is a VERY wilful child who is good 90% of the time but can be very hard work the other 10%.

At moment we are living with my parents (who are wonderful) whist we renovate a property. Life is great here, we all get along great but my daughter speaks to my mum especially, like she is vermin. I have tried disciplining her every way I can (bar smacking) but she doesn't seem to change. I think is is jealousy as DD is used to just myself and had total attention for 4 years as we lived miles away from family and now my mum is a threat to her as the attention has been taken from DD when mum is around.

Can anyone give any advice!? What can I do to try and stop it. This morning after hearing her call my mum stupid for the hundreth time, I threatened to smack her bottom, I was so annoyed at her, it came out. I have never ever ever smacked my DD (very anti-smacking) and never thought it would even come into my head but this did stop her in her tracks.

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Desiderata · 13/07/2007 13:19

Wow! I know that 4yo's can be very demanding, but calling your mum 'stupid' is very, very wrong.

You and your mum need to both get tough on this. And I'm sorry, but if you have to smack her bottom, then do so. If all else fails ....

Original poster

helenelisabeth · 13/07/2007 13:31

Thanks for replying Desiderata. As much as I cannot bear smacking, I am prepared to give her a tap on the bottom if it stopped this behaviour but I would rather not have to resort to that.

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emsiewill · 13/07/2007 13:44

Sounds like it's attention-seeking behaviour, and it's working...

I think you should do something like a time out when she says things like this - no talking about it, no shouting etc, etc, just sit her on the "naughty step" (or equivalent), for 4 mins, and then move on.

You have to do it EVERY time, and be really consistent with it, and you have to balance it out with lots of positive attention and praise when she talks nicely to your mum (or anyone really). This is the hard bit I always find, remembering to praise.

I have a very wilful 10 year old dd, who was a very wilful 4 (5,6,7,8,9) year old, and I have always found that shouting and screaming at her is the worse way to go about things (not saying you do this by the way).

HTH

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Iklboo · 13/07/2007 13:46

Naughty step, no treats, early bed?

edam · 13/07/2007 13:55

Agree with Emsie and Ikleboo, calm/firm telling off and some form of sanction whether that's naughty step/sticker chart/pasta jar/whatever works for you PLUS lots of praise and attention when she's behaving well, especially towards your mother.

How does your mother feel about this? How does she react?

Original poster

helenelisabeth · 13/07/2007 14:03

Thanks for replying everyone. I have tried naughty step, reward charts, ignoring it and so on. Nothing seems to stop her doing it. I personally (I was a similar child) think she needs a very very firm hand but it is not in my nature so it is hard for me to do. Some children just do not seem to give a shit about rewards and being put in time out etc and she is one of them.

My mum ignores it mostly and I have told her to be firmer but my mum has a similar nature to me, quite gentle. I am hoping the threat of a smacked bottom may stop it but we will see.

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CarGirl · 13/07/2007 14:04

I think you need to get your mum on board too and give her permission to discipline your dd for speaking to her like that. You decide what the punishment is for that kind of talk - ie straight to naughty step for 4 minutes on timer and then you tell your Mum in front off dd that if dd speaks to her like that then she is to put dd in time out. Perhaps your dd needs to see that your Mum has the right to discipline her?

DoubleBluff · 13/07/2007 14:05

Instead of rewards how about withdrawal of privileges.
Tkae away a fourite toy or treat?

Wisteria · 13/07/2007 14:06

If I had tried all other avenues, would definitely smack and explain that it just won't be tolerated at all and yes, lt your mum tell her off to. My dds always behaved much better when my mum told them off.

Wisteria · 13/07/2007 14:07

let your Mum tell her off too....

CarGirl · 13/07/2007 14:07

perhaps you have to work out what does matter to her, if you think it is to do with missing her one to one time with you then the carrot could be a special outing with you alone for getting so many stars/marbles in 3 days but I also think it is useful to have something to withdraw?

Original poster

helenelisabeth · 13/07/2007 14:12

She doesn't have a favourite toy really, she is not a toy child, she is outdoorsy (not with the weather we have had though) and enjoys playing board games and jigsaws etc. I doubt she would be bothered though if I hid them. The only thing I could threaten to withdraw is Gymnastics class but it is only in term time and finishes next week so it wouldn't make any difference.

I will have a word with my mun later but I think my mum will find it very very hard to discipline her. I will have to deal with it firstly myself and if that doesn't work, who knows!

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casbie · 13/07/2007 14:32

does she say sorry/appologise/act humble - ever?

it might be more ingrained in her at 4, to be rude etc and it might need a long, hard look at the way you discipline her in other respects, before you can resolve this issue and move on.

whatever discipline you choose (we do: say 'sorry', child says 'sorry' and it's forgotten about. further attitude is resolved by 2 mins on his/hero own without toys etc and increases to 5 mins/10 mins etc if really naughty) you need to be consistant and actually do what your threatening.

don't forget, that you need to say 'sorry' too if you do something wrong!

; )

Original poster

helenelisabeth · 13/07/2007 14:53

Yes casbie I think not being consistent is where I am going wrong. She never really has to face consequences for what she is doing (we all thought ignoring it would solve it) but obviously being firmer is what is needed. A big part of the problem is that I am not in my own house anymore and it is very hard to leave a child screaming in time out for 5 mins when you have other people to consider. What is happening is that there are now four adults to one child and she is probably slightly overwhelmed and is taking it out on my mum (the one who will take it). I will let you all know what happens over the weekend but I am DETERMINED to nip this in the bud as I am due to have a baby in 8 weeks and I don't want to put up with this behaviour with a small baby as well.

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donnie · 13/07/2007 14:56

I have found putting the naughty child in another room and/or excluding them is quite a good way of disciplining, have you tried that? They hate having a door shut on them.

casbie · 13/07/2007 15:08

helen - maybe you need to explain to the other grown-ups in the household what you find acceptable (telling off for calling people names) and what is not (smacking). let them help you to disapline your child. it will make it harder if there is someone who is a bit soft around, and maybe if your mum finds it hard, you can help her, by saying 'that's not nice. say sorry darling' or whatever.

whtever the consequences are you need to implement them swifty (like there and then NOT waiting till you get home/after dinner etc) and firmly.

also, if she does say 'sorry' immediately, or does her time on the naughty step, give her a hug (or whatever).

she will love you for it in the end!!!

CarGirl · 13/07/2007 19:15

I think you need a "family conference" explain that you have found some of her behaviour unacceptable and do they understand that you need to go through the time out even with the screaming as in the long run you need to nip the attitude in the bud????

It does sound like your Mum is being a bit of a doormat to your dd which is not healthy for either of them?

Original poster

helenelisabeth · 13/07/2007 19:47

Thanks everyone for all your advice, much appreciated!

Tonight she has been so much better, when I collected her from nursery, I mentioned to her teacher about her behaviour at home, (teacher was gobsmacked as DD is superb in school!) and the teacher said to DD that speaking to her Nana like that was not nice. That also seemed to have a bit of impact. I warned DD on way home that if she carried on speaking the way she has been, I would stop her going to Gymnastics and throw her leotard in the bin. Hopefully that and the threat of a smacked bum will suffice!

She has been great to my mum this evening, I have praised her lots when I have heard her speaking nicely to her.

I will let you all know how she behaves over the weekend!

Can't wait until I have two cheeky monkeys to deal with!

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casbie · 16/07/2007 16:46

great - good luck!

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