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Original poster

Am I a crap mum re Dummies??

27 replies

kbaby · 03/07/2004 13:59

I always said pre pregnancy that I would never give my child a dummy as I hate it when you see 2 year olds who cant talk properly because they have a dummy. But since having DD (4 weeks old) I have resorted to giving her a dummy. Shes very hard to settle and cries for no apparent reason and wants to suck all the time. I dont think its hunger as i offer the breat and she sucks for a few minutes before falling asleep and then once moved cries again. I started just giving her the dummy to try and calm her down to allow me to try and get her to sleep. However this has now turned into her having it to sleep with as whenever I take it out she wakes up and starts mouthing for it back or cries again. I hate having to give it to her and and everytime she cries for it I question if im doing the right thing by giving it.
Has anyone got any advice

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marialuisa · 03/07/2004 14:04

DD had a dummy from the word go (I hate to see kids thumb-sucking at 3 as much as i hate to see them with dummies and figured I would have more control over a dummy).

We managed to ditch it by 6 months and she has never thumb-sucked either. she was entirely bottle-fed which may/may not have made a difference to how attached to the dummy she became.

sandyballs · 03/07/2004 14:05

Don't beat yourself up about it - you are certainly not a crap mum! I had the same views as you pre-pregnancy but both my girls had dummies. They are very comforting for tiny babies and you will be able to wean her off it when she gets older.

Twinkie · 03/07/2004 14:05

kbaby - you have all these ideas about how you are going o do things when you have a baby and I would say - do what gives you the most amount of peace and reassurance - you are not hurting her to be honest you are helping the pair of you if it stops you fromgoing potty!!

DD had dummies until last xmas when she was 3.5 years old when she gave them to father Christmas to give to the poor children in Africa - I have caught her yelling for them back up the chimney a few times but she seems ok!!

And the dentist told me that it is actually preferable for children to have dummies than to suck their thumb!! Dummies are made to satisfy the sucking reflex but not to push teeth forward where thumbs are not supposed to be sucked and often exert lots of pressure on the teeth meaning years of orthodontic treatment!!

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Poppy1978 · 03/07/2004 14:06

Don't feel guilty for doing what your baby needs.

I was adament that I wasn't going to give my child a dummy, but my dd needed it for 12 weeks, and my ds for 20 mnths.
I actually packed one for the hospital with ds. The midwife saw it and smiled. She said they aren't allowed to recomend them, but they are a godsend!

The only thing I found helpful was to try to get them attached to something else as well, as it makes dummy weaning a lot easier it the long run. I know friends who have kids starting school and they can't kick the habit, but ds and dd both had cuddlies they are very attached too, so taking the dummy away wasn't as traumatic.

Mothercare do some lovely soft toys, I know a few kids who have gotten attached to them, and ds refuses to sleep without his rabbit. (He doesn't know there are actually two of 'bunny' cos we got a spare!)

Blackduck · 03/07/2004 14:06

No advice - except to say that about 10 months ago I could have written your posting...I too 'gave in' because ds obviously was a sucky baby. I got loads of stick from my sil and various other people, but it was anything for a quiet life! He gave up the dummy at 6 months - but is a thumb sucker when tired.....

codswallop · 03/07/2004 14:07

use your finger insted? thats what i did

Original poster

kbaby · 03/07/2004 14:09

Did your babies have the dummies at night to sleep with, If so am I going to have to keep putting it back in at night if it falls out.

OP posts:

StickyNote · 03/07/2004 14:10

All three of mine have had dummies and again I was very anti them before having children. Agree very much with Poppy1978 about encouraging them to sleep with something else as well, it definitely makes things a lot easier when you come to take them away. Mine have only been allowed their dummies for sleep and I dreaded taking them away but there was barely a murmur (DS aged 2, DD1 aged 2).

Blackduck · 03/07/2004 14:11

Codswallop I did use my finger to begin with, but would have had ds attached to it for 24 hours a day hence I gave up and gave him a dummy. He now uses the leg of a cuddly (disgusting!)

StickyNote · 03/07/2004 14:12

Depends on how they sleep - DS has always been a very heavy sleeper so I never had to go back in and replace it, he just used it to get off to sleep. DD2 is a much lighter sleeper and yes, I had to go into her quite a few times until she was able to locate it for herself. Interestingly, she has slept much better since we took them away...

marialuisa · 03/07/2004 14:27

She would fall asleep on it but once I was sure she was zonked I would take it out. She always managed to settle herself ok. during the day I would try not to give her the dummy to go to sleep with but DD was famous at my post-natal group for her ability to fall asleep anywhere. One minute she'd be bashing a baby-gym the next she'd be out for the count.

Linnet · 03/07/2004 14:35

Kbaby please don't worry. My dd2 had a dummy at 6 days old as she's a very sucky baby. dd1 had a dummy but didn't get it until she was 3 months old and even then only at bedtime to settle her. She never left the house with it and when she was one she gave it up with no problems at all.

dd2 has been a different story all together. She's been sucky from the word go and my theory that I wouldn't give her a dummy until later on went straight out the window.

Whatever keeps you sane is good as far as I'm concerned, only my opinion of course. If she needs it to get to sleep then don't worry, much better to have a calm baby and a calm mummy rather than both of you getting stressed. If she's very attached at the moment again don't worry as you can wean her off it when she's older. You may find that as she gets bigger she won't want to comfort suck as much and you can do away with it.

dd2's dummy falls out of her mouth once she's gone to sleep and she has so far, touch wood, never woken up looking for it.

WideWebWitch · 03/07/2004 14:36

kbaby, I haven't read the other responses but no, you're not a crap mum! I think dummies are great, why would you worry about using one? If you've got a sucky baby a dummy can be comforting - babies like to suck! Mine both had them and ds ditched his at about 3 (but only had it at night by then) and dd still has hers at 7 mos. I can see that if you shove a dummy in a child's mouth at all times just to shut them up and never find out what their needs are or let them talk then yes,a dummy might not be a great thing. But to comfort a baby to sleep? I can't see how anyone could think they're anything other than fantastic!

dot1 · 05/07/2004 15:46

you're so not a crap Mum!!! Our ds 1 had/has a dummy - he's 2.5 yrs now and when he was about 1 we said he could only have it upstairs for going to bed - and this Christmas (he'll be just 3) we're going to give his dummy (we're down to just one now!) to father Christmas in exchange for lots of presents!

ds2 is 12 weeks old and refuses to take a dummy, and it's been awful - there's nothing really which stops him crying at times and dp and I really wish he'd take one.

I think you do what you have to do to get through the first few awful weeks - you'll be able to wean your baby off the dummy - don't worry about this now, just give yourself a bit of sanity now, as it's the hardest time of all..!

bundle · 05/07/2004 15:49

I'm just weaning dd1 off nighttime dummy (she's 4 ffs, talk about bad mummy) and I definitely won't let dd2 go on having one for as long as it's really tough. but I don't regret giving either of them a dummy, and a someone told me her child is having real problems sleeping cos her thumb's sore from too much sucking, so she can't suck it and the other one just won't do.

samwifewithkid · 07/07/2004 16:59

I don't think you are a bad mummy. As long as you are both happy, that is more important.

My dd (2yrs) has had a dummy since 3 weeks old (it was either that or me strangle her, I think the dummy was the better option) She ONLY has it now for sleep time. NEVER in the daytime! I will take it away at the age of 2.5 - 3 when she is old enough to explain to. Then it can be given to the dummy faries. Who give them to all the tiny babies in the world.

The only thing I would say, is be strict with your rules on dummies. Otherwise if they are plugged all day speaking becomes a problem. If she is happily laying there gurgling, then don't give it to her until she needs it.

katierocket · 07/07/2004 17:11

kbaby I know you are having problems similar to my experiences with DS - lots of crying and an unsettled baby.
Some babies are naturally sucky
If it helps - do it and don't beat yourself up about it

I spent the first 6 weeks with DS latched onto either my boob or my little finger as he seemed to have a desperate need to suck for comfort. When he took a dummy it was so much easier and he was much happier (well relatively speaking!)
you have enough to deal with without beating yourself up about this. Dummies haven't existed for years for no reason!

aloha · 07/07/2004 17:18

Kbaby, did you know dummies cut the risk of cot death by up to half? That it promotes the 'happy hormones' called endorphins in young children and helps premature babies gain weight? A clean dummy is no more of health hazard than thumbsucking and is actually less of a problem for teeth - and that teeth are not affected for years anyway, if ever. Some babies are born with a much stronger need than others to suck, and for them a dummy is just happiness and comfort and relaxation and pleasure. Why would anyone want to deny those things to a tiny baby for the sake of aesthetic reasons? It would be cruel. My lovely ds has had a dummy from a couple of weeks and it transformed his contentment levels. He is a wonderful child, a very good talker, and very chatty. He sleeps with his dummy still (three in Sept) though we don't really use it at all during the day now. He didn't sleep through until 8 months but that was nothing to do with the dummy, and now he sleeps wonderfully - 2 hours every day and 11 hours at night. For some babies, dummies are just fantastic and though some people are stupidly judgemental about them, don't let that bother you. You are doing the right thing for you and your very new baby.

Angeliz · 07/07/2004 17:27

I am with Aloha, my dd still has a dummy for bed at 3.4.
She knows she is not allowed it at all during the day,(because it makes her tired and i can't understand her) but after bathtime, the dummy comes out and she's asleep in no time.
DON'T WORRY,

Funnily enough, it was dp who was against them when i was pregnant, then on the first night of crying, (she was about a week), i remember dp saying sleepily, "should we try her with a dummy?

unicorn · 07/07/2004 17:35

I think there is no 'problem' with dummies-the problem is the parent.
Sometimes the dummy becomes a plug to stop the child talking/whining whatever and the little one doesn't have much of an option (they can take it out but why would they if it is enjoyable?)
I think the same goes for sweets and any other type of placebo.. it is up to parent to take the responsibility.

Original poster

kbaby · 08/07/2004 23:38

Thanks everyone for the responses, although it seems the decision has been made for me(at least at the moment) Since DD's been having the dummy her breast feedings become worse and when she latches on she makes clicking noises. My HV has said that some babies cant do breats and dummy. I have a meeting with her on Monday to sort the latching out and in the mean time shes advised to bin the dummy. Since doing that he latching on has gon e back to normal. Although I now have my finger in her mouth!! Its dp thats making me feel guilty for giving her the dummy and also the fact that she kept mouthing for the dummy which seemed to make her more frustrated if it fell out.

OP posts:

dibooth · 09/07/2004 01:32

Hiya, My two liked dummies too and I managed to breast feed - dead lucky I suppose, but I found my DD latched on harder than DS so bought some breast sheilds which you sue during feeding and they really helped! Also the other thing that helped was to buy the breast milk savers, don't bother saving the milk - too much hassle unless you're organsied! - they keep clothes off the nipples and let them heal nicely between feeds so they're not as tender! Got both from Boots, not really cheap but less than £20 for a lot of comfort...!
GOOD LUCK!

NomDePlume · 09/07/2004 01:36

FWIW, my DD is 22 months old and has a dummy, her speech is PERFECT. In fact most people comment on how advanced her vocab is for her age. The GP mistook her for 2.5 yrs old at my recent appt (the appt as for me not her). Don't worry about the speech thing.

Of course it helps my DD that her mum is a bit of a gasbag !!!!

Miaou · 09/07/2004 01:54

From the other P.O.V. ....
My dd2 is a thumbsucker - took dummies for about the first four/five months then found her thumb, though she tended only to put it in when she was tired. Now aged 5.5, she would suck her thumb all day if she could, but since she was about 2 we have been able to enforce "bedtime thumb only" rule(on the basis that we can't really enforce it at night in bed), tho she tends to sneak it in if she's watching the TV (her teacher has been primed to stop her if this happens at school!). BUT it is certainly pushing her teeth forward - not a worry just yet, but another reason why I wish she had stuck to dummies!
P.S. my SIL still sucks her thumb in her sleep - DB thinks it's hilarious!

leander · 09/07/2004 01:59

Same as ndp my ds is 2 1/2 and his speach is perfect,its really hard getting his dummy off him but hes just come out of nappies and you can only do one thing at a time so the dummy is next on my agenda and is probably gonna be the hardest.

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