Wwyd if nursery teacher didn't like your child?

[JonSnowsWhore]

My 3 year old goes to a school nursery 5 mornings a week. He started there a bit later than the other children, before this he was in a private nursery as I was working full time.

Now I'm in no way trying to say that he is an angel & innocent, he can really really test someone's patience & his listening is particularly bad, which I told the nursery before he started. Nothing wrong with his hearing, just him playing up.

It's a regular occurrence for the nursery teacher to speak to me about something he's done that day, & believe me I do take it seriously, I always talk to him about it & if it's particularly bad he gets punished with a toy taken away etc. Every morning before school we sit & talk about our little set of rules, things he has to remember not to do when he's there (no hitting, no throwing sand etc)

I know it's because he's my child that I find it hard that his teacher just doesn't seem to like him, like today on his way out she stopped him to take something off of him & with a look on his face she sort of pushed him out of the class. Not forcefully but it was just the look 😕 as I said I know he can be a PITA so I can't particularly blame her.

I don't know maybe it's because I'm not well & pregnant so hormones playing me up, but I can't help feel a bit sad that he's not liked & it shows I just want him to fit in

Can you research some ideas and do things to work on his behaviour and listening skills? It is far better he learns how to behave than just hope everyone he meets learns to like his poor behaviour. Maybe you need to do more than just talk about his behaviour. Have a consequence that is age appropriate.

But i do feel for you. My now five year old was very difficult. He turned a corner just before he turned 5. I even had his ears tested at the gospital once but it just confirmed he can hear perfectly well amd was just an ignorant bugger. School structure has really benefitted my boy

Please stop the negatives!

Be positive - play nicely - use kind hands and feet - use your manners

It really helps

It sounds like his behaviour is rather tiresome. Can you Agree with nursey an appropriate strategy whereby when he does listen he gets lots of praise, stickers etc. Rewarding the good behaviour "catch him doing something right".

Most nursery staff Re pretty good at hiding it when they dislike children so either she's really fed up to the back teeth of him or not good at hiding it.

I totally agree, for everyone's sake, mine included, I definitely want to improve his behaviour & I don't just expect people to accept it! I can't even accept it, he drives me round the bend, but obviously love him anyway :)

I think you're right about the school structure, which is why I added in that he started later than the other children. At the private nursery There just wasn't much structure, learning or rules, & was a bit more babyish, so I think this is why he's a little bit behind on learning to listen to the teachers. But as I said he's always been 'challenging' anyway.

If anyone can suggest some more punishments I'll happily see if they can work for us

I think we're saying focus on rewarding positive behaviour rather than punishment.
Does he have sen?

I would not be punishing him at home for something that has happened at school.

Just talk about and practice positive behaviours eg sitting smartly and listening.

At that age I'm not sure that delayed consequences would have much impact. So getting you to talk to him at the end of the day isn't going to change his behaviour. The nursery needs to take the initiative in finding solutions, but perhaps you can nudge the teacher to get there.

A few people have mentioned the possibility of ADHD to me so I'm having to think a the moment whether to take him to the Drs or whether it'll be dismissed, I haven't had to deal with a child with ADHD for a long time so can't remember if he's a typical fit or not.

So do you think a reward chart will work at home, as well as speaking to his teachers about praise at school? Sorry I sound so useless, my daughter has always been fine at school so this is a different experience for me :)

Personally I don't find reward charts work well with three year olds.

She's doesn't dislike your child (unless she's quite unsuitable for the job) but she dislikes his behaviour. Can't blame her.
What do you do at home to prevent the issues occurring and how do you react when he behaves badly?

I agree wolf can't really blame her. Do you mean what do I do at home when he misbehaves at home or at school?

But ask the teacher in Front of him how he did and lots of praise fir what he did right read up on how to give specific praise.

Eg not "you were good at school" but
"when the teacher asked you to sit down, you sat down straight away. That's really good listening I am very happy to hear that well done let's tell daddy later" etc

I'm not actually that sure that what you do at home has that much bearing on what happens at school - unless you have no boundaries whatsoever and allow your kids to shout, hit and smash things up.

I don't think you should punish a 3 year old for bad behaviour at school/nursery and I doubt a star chart will work either. The nursery itself should have ideas on how to handle him and generally this shouldn't involve any punishment beyond a natural consequence (You hit Jon. We don't hit here. Now you need to come and sit with me and calm down).

What sort of things is he doing?

What are the nursery doing to help him behave appriopriately?

As I said I'm probably just feeling extra sensitive at the moment, by Monday hopefully I'll feel better & ready to deal with it a bit better. Doesn't help that he's been an angel since I picked him up for once in his life so I'm feeling a bit more sorry for him and myself

I'm hoping by the end of nursery he'll have grown out of behaving like this a bit, ready for reception!

Stop punishing him at home for things that happen at nursery, it will be dealt with there. No need to be punished twice.

What kind of things are they telling you? Have you asked if this is just normal for the age or if they are telling you there is something about your son that needs further investigation? If it's the same kind of thing happening again and again how are they dealing with it/preventing it?

Get them to be concrete about the facts. And also ask if there is anything positive that has happened.

Personally, if it was me I would find somewhere that had a more positive outlook and didn't bother parents with every tiny misdemeanour.

Barbarian he has been told off for hitting, this mostly seems to be with one child though, now as I said I'm NOT sticking up for him here, but when we've been out to soft play etc or with his cousins, I've seen other children hit him & mostly he's more sort of nudged them away & said 'no!' rather than hit them back, so I think him & this other child must clash somehow. Again not that I'm completely blaming the other child either, I'm just saying 6 of one, half a dozen of the other with these 2. Throwing sand which yes I've seen him do outside of school aswell.

So those are the things we talk about before school, that you mustn't hit or fight because it's not nice, mustn't throw sand because it's dangerous etc.

Sorry I'm rambling trying to think about it all

I'd ask for a meeting with the teacher, without your ds being present.
I'd start by acknowledging (as you have) that you know his behaviour can be challenging, and that you obviously want to work with her to see how you can both help him together, but that you feel at the moment it's creating a bit of a cycle of negative behaviour. Is there something you can do together to work on the whole 'catch him being good' idea, so you don't get a list of his misdemeanors at the end of each session.

Totally agree with everyone else about not punishing him at home for things he has done at Nursery, and also about positive language ("walk" rather than "don't run" and so forth), and especially about the staff being really clear about what the actual action or behaviour is that they are looking for....... 'being good' means nothing, as it doesn't model what 'good' is.

Anti this is another thing I hardly had to be spoken to at all at the other nursery so I don't know if he was just better behaved there or as you said they just didn't report to parents with every single detail.

Yes so they put them in time out if they've done something they shouldn't do, I'm assuming there's a warning first unless they do something particularly bad.

I have seen them having to talk other parents aswell so it's not just mine, but it probably is him more frequently

x-posted

So talk about 'keeping the sand in the tray' rather than 'not throwing'
If there is hitting, then ask / teach him... 'What could you do if X hits you?' to give him alternative strategies.

It will, of course work better if the staff know you have talked about telling an adult / walking away, so they can do an emphasised praise about the fact he has done the right thing.

Makes sense about the positives rather than the negatives. I've got spd at the moment so instead of saying 'don't run' I've started to ask him if he can hold my hand to help me when we're walking into school. Sounds so cheesy but 9 times out of 10 it works as he sees it as him helping & good behaviour, so I suppose I'm on to something there?

When you talk to the nursery ask some more information about the hitting. What's happening just before it happens? Is he hitting because he's angry, upset, frustrated, over-excited? Is it hitting that happens in the course of a "fighting" game. If it is mostly with one child, what's the realationship between them like - are they friends, does one want to be friends, or snatch or try and boss the other? They need that info in order to stop what's happening.

(My ds1 bit the same child twice in the course of a week at preschool. Turned out that said child was trying to force their hand into his mouth. The solution to this was not telling my ds1 to "stop biting")

Thank you I will ask to talk to her to find out exactly what's going on. As I said I'm under no illusion that he's an angel & it's all this other Childs fault at all, like you said it's either fighting type games or they are clashing somehow. The last time I was spoken to about the hitting it was that he'd hit this other child with a toy dinosaur while they were playing so as you said could have been fighting type play that went wrong, I don't know.

Thanks for all your advice, sorry I sound so rubbish at the moment, I should know what to do, im just feeling rubbish & sorry for myself!

Saying the things you want rather than don't want works much better.

And you can and should stick up for your child! No-one else is going to! Normal childhood stuff like hitting and throwing you just deal with it consistently as it happens and they've usually grown out of it by reception as they learn more impulse control. And around that just doing more positive parenting will help a child see themselves as lovely and good and kind and helpful.

Thank you that's good to hear. There's hope for us yet!

I like to think I've got the right balance, if he's been a little git I will happily hold my hands up to it & deal with him, not make excuses for him. But I'm also fiercely protective of him if I know he hasn't done something wrong

He's not a bad boy underneath it all, he loves to help with whatever I'm doing & can be so sweet. I just hope we can work through this stuff he's doing at nursery so the teachers can see the lovely little boy that I see, some of the time 🙈

I wouldn't send my DC to a nursery where I felt they weren't liked. My youngest was particularly challenging as a 3-4 year old. He was just a bit behind emotionally and in terms of emotional regulation and impulse control, he was just far less ready for the formal structure of nursery than his older sister. It was frustrating for me and I'm sure for nursery but they never let on that he wasn't a very welcome member of the class - they focused on his strengths and worked on his weaknesses. If every time he goes to nursery it's just a barrage of things he's doing wrong he's just going to think of himself as "naughty" and it'll be a self fulfilling prophecy.

We worked with him at home and the nursery did too but I never got the impression he wasn't liked. They accepted that he was a bit behind and needed more help. It's similar to a child that's behind in terms of reading or writing - not all kids develop at the same rate. They put in place lots of positive reinforcement, accepted what he was and wasn't capable of, made expectations very clear etc. Things did improve partly because of things we and nursery did and partly because he just developed a bit.