My husband telling me I'm not a good mother

[talllikejerryhall]

My husband was recently made redundant and so has been spending a lot more time at home. We have always had different parenting styles, but we are really beginning to rub each other up the wrong way, as I am more laid back, whereas he helicopter parents in a way that gets the baby all worked up and fussy.

He has always been quite tough and firm with his stepson (my DS), and made a big thing of saying that I came first with him, and no child should get between their parents, but that's not the case any more, he definitely favours the baby over everyone else in the household.

All this culminated in a massive argument this morning, as he accused me of not tending to the baby's developmental needs (even though I suggested attending a tumble tots with her yesterday).

The implication that I am somehow a bad mother, after having single-handedly looked after for last seven months, is incredibly hurtful, but he makes these kind of comments very easily these days, despite barely looking after her himself.

I don't know where to start. I feel my once happy once strong marriage eroding in front of my eyes, and what should be a happy time, turning into the worst.

Didn't want to read and run. Having kids is hard on everyone (and wonderful also). Try to be open with him about how what he said makes you feel. Communication is key.

You lost me at the point where he said (to his ds?) that you came first. I don't believe any parent should say that. Now he's decided to favour the child of the second family over those of the first (been there and got the t-shirt).

Now that he's off work, he presumably has all the time in the world to tend to the baby's developmental needs. I'd tell him to get on with it whilst you have some well-earned rest.

I might have been a bit more sympathetic/forgiving him being a dick since he's just been made redundant. But given what you said about the way he treats your son, I'm sorry but I think he sounds like a bit of shit and a bully. I'm not surprised you're upset given what he said to you, but more importantly than that: your poor DS. Have you told him ('D'H) that he doesn't come first?!

Thank you for your responses.

He's never told his stepson that, but said to me privately that he thought parents had to come first with each other, otherwise marriages foundered, but now his child has arrived, I feel relegated to the back burner...

We just tried to talk but argument went nowhere - will try again later.

Just feeling really despondent at state of affairs between us, and properly annoyed at implied criticism of my parenting, which I think is pretty good.

What a horrible man. First he wants to come between you and your son, then he tells you you're a bad parent to your child together. Are there any redeeming features? How does your son get on with him?

I have my doubts about his overall attitude but I have got a lot better about responding to criticisms of parenting/housework/other things that husband is less responsible for than me with

'Oh you think the living room needs tidying? Ok, you go and tidy it then'

Funnily enough he has a lot fewer bright ideas about what I should be doing now...

That's so cruel

He doesn't sound very nice at all tbh. Saying that children come second and then saying you're a bad mother? Fuck that.

He really doesn't sound very nice. But I suspect he is lashing out due to stress, etc. That does not excuse it though.

You know you're a good parent. Strong words need to be had.

I see I'd got this story backwards - the ds is your son, his step-son. So some man told you (already a parent) that children shouldn't come first and you .. what? Agreed with him? Or didn't say anything?

And now your concern seems to be that you have been relegated, rather than the more worrying problem that your ds is even further down the pecking order than he already was?

Why has he been setting the tone of parenting with your ds?

Sorry but I can tell exactly what's going on here having witnessed it at least 3 times with broken families. (inc my own)
1: Before he has his own child he knew that your son (whatever he tried to put in your head) was always gonna come first with you. He was jealous of that and needed to hear from you some confirmation he was "first" - what a fucking child
2: He has been made redundant, so he feels a little useless, is there any way he can go back to work soon? He is probably trying to feel important and needed as he isn't contributing at the moment.
3: He wants you to love "his " child more than your son. Therefore jealous when you do things for your son.
Be careful here, make sure that when he is alone with your son that he isn't outing nasty little sly comments into your sons head. Ive seen it happen.

I am slightly confused - you say his stepson, why not say your son? How old is your son and what is the relationship between he and your DP like? Is your DP now favouring the baby because she is his?

It sounds as though what he wants is for you to put him first and your son second.This isn't about parents coming first for eachother at all. This is about him not wanting you to put your son before him! Funny how his attitude changed when he has his own biological child..He sounds like a massive prick tbh.

So basically he wanted to come first over your son, but wants his daughter to come first over you?

That's very unfair treatment and I'd sit down and talk to him about it.

I find it weird that twice now you've described your own son as "his stepson". Does everything in your family revolve around your husband?

Sorry, was not being being weird re DSS / DS references, just trying to clarify the separate relationships to explain the nuances of the situation.

He's always been a loving dad, husband, just lately he's been lavishing affection on the baby, while being harsher with myself and my DS (and the being horrible this morning referenced in title)

We have always been a tight unit, so this is upsetting on a few levels.

Anyway, we just had a long conversation and he's taken my points on board - of which there are two: no one in the family should be obviously prioritised in terms of love, affection, etc, and two: being harsh and critical of my parenting is going to get him nowhere. We can have different ideas about stuff and discuss things practically without being unpleasant.

Hope everything we discussed really takes. Thank you all for listening when I really needed to vent my frustration, I appreciate your feedback.