iPad addicted daughter HER fault, or am I just being silly.

[psformula]

I have been having a argument with a friend of mine about children's access to iPads etc.
She said that kids need to understand how these things work, but all I see is her child staring hypnotically at the screen and not noticing a thing around her.
I said that her child is addicted and that this could seriously damager her daughter in the long run because she is not learning any skills whatsoever.

Have I gone too far? I just cant see how she is ever going to develop the skills she will need in the future by staring at an ipad all day.
I just thought she was shoving the iPad in her daughters hands as a way for her to get some peace and quiet and had nothing to do with understanding tech!

If I am wrong I will apologise to her. If not, well... Im not sure but I will feel better :)

But its her child not yours so therefor its not really any of your business .
Her parenting choices are her choices .

None of your business, she didn't ask and presumably her Dd is otherwise well cared for and loved or you would have added that. And I say this as an old fashioned screen free mum, too...

Out of interest, how old is her dd? That might make some difference.

Depends on the age of the child and what she's actually doing on it? Watching YouTube unmoderated etc or playing an educational game? My DS learned basic fractions at 3 on an ipad!

I'm sure her DD does other things that you dont see. Like go to the park, ride a bike, play with friends, go to school, draw pictures etc.

Calm your ham

The child is 2 and a half and on the Ipad for about 4 to 5 hours a day and only goes to the park when we pop around to fetch them.

Surely as a friend I should be able to tell one of my oldest friends if I think things are going too far. Its not like she has any support from anywhere else.

And, surely if we don't help each other with the rights and wrongs of parenting none of us will ever know if what we are doing is right or wrong.

If she's one of your oldest friends, rather than lecturing her about what and parent she is, why do t you try figure out what's going on? Telling her she is basis not going to help. If she is not getting out at all and is letting the child focus touch on one activity, is there a reason? Ds watched a lot of TV and iPad at one point when I just was not coping and was tired and stressed. It took effort to make an effort to get out and find things for us to do.

A bit more sympathy for your friend and less judgement seems in order.

Having an argument about it, and telling her that her child is being seriously damaged by her choices isn't exactly a good strategy for helping though, is it? You can pretty much predict that any parent is going to resent you taking that tone.

"Support" is generally a lot more effective if given in a positive and helpful way, rather than a judgemental way, which is what you seem to have gone for so far.

Well I am sorry. I don't think any parent has any excuse to leave a child to be raised by an Ipad. It is not judgemental, it is simply a fact. How on earth did people manage to raise their children 5 years ago when there weren't any iPads??

I realise mentioning it it to her was probably not going to work as she was bound to be defensive, but not saying anything would just simply make me a bad friend who doesn't care about her or her child.

I know I am stubborn, but what I said came from a good place and I would feel worse if I didn't point out a problem that she didnt know existed.

Do you want to help her and her child, or do you want to feel good about pointing out the problem?

I agree, a small child spending that much time on an iPad is definitely a bad thing.

But if I was a parent struggling with her small child, whether that's due to ignorance, depression, lack of support, or anything else, then one of my oldest friends telling me the only thing I had found that I was managing to do (no matter how crap the justification) was causing addiction and damage would have made me pull up the drawbridge and stop even trying to talk to her. It just doesn't help.

Assuming you care about her, can you find a better way to express your worries?

Maybe give her a hug, say "Look I can tell you're finding this difficult, how can I help?"

Have an open conversation about it. See if you can work out why.

I myself wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut - another child basically ending up with a shittu childhood because their mum was too lazy and the people around were too polite to say anything

Well before iPads there was TV....
Putting the hard work into parenting or taking the easy way out is so fundamental that I don't think you could achieve a change. You can either smile and ignore or drop her as a friend.

What I notice now as someone who had children 16 years ago is that so many mothers spend their time on phones / tablets / computers and their children are an interruption.

AMumInScotland is spot-on. And your choices were not limited to either doing nothing, or telling her (quite harshly, it sounds) that her child is addicted and it will seriously damage her daughter in the future, psformula.

A true friend will not stand in front of her friend, lecturing and scolding, she will stand alongside her, trying to see things from her friend's point of view, to understand why her friend is doing what she is doing, and to see what she can do to help the friend.

I think you were very judgmental, and probably hurt your friend a lot - and I do think you owe her an apology.