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Original poster

How early did you feel ready to leave your baby overnight?

40 replies

ovenbun · 27/02/2014 08:26

Not a judgemental question, I am expecting, and my friend gets married when the baby will be around 4 months old.
She is being amazing and not pressurising but ideally she would like me to stay with her the night before the wedding, as I'm MoH part of me would really like to be there for her at this special time, I haven't committed as yet as I'm just not sure if I'll feel ready to leave my baby. I don't want to be a PITA as I know its so lovely to be asked to be a bridesmaid and I do want to help her out as much as I can.
I am hoping to breastfeed which adds another dimension, although I guess I can pump o/n if little one is happy bottle feeding.
Also during the day as both my husband and I are in the wedding party we wont be able to sit with baby or spend much time with them..in laws are invited so will be helping out with caring for them.

When did you feel ready to leave your baby overnight? What helped to prepare for this?

Sorry I do realise this is probably massively PFB :)

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Eletheomel · 27/02/2014 08:31

DS1 is 4 and I still haven't left him overnight (apart from when I had to go into hospital to have DS2) Different folks are ready for these things at different times, My sister left her daughter overnight at 4 weeks old - you just make the decision based on you and how comfortable you feel that your baby will be looked after :-)

DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby · 27/02/2014 08:31

We're going to an overnight wedding when DC is 2 months old, and we'll be away for two nights.

As long as they are with a loving caregiver, you are fine. Go and enjoy yourself!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 27/02/2014 08:38

At 4 months I was only ready to leave them for an afternoon and my boobs felt as though they would explode even doing that. DS was happy using a bottle but DD never did so expressing would have been no good. I didn't leave DS overnight till he was nearly 2 and only then to go into hospital to have DD. This is one of those questions where there is no right or wrong and everyone feels differently, unfortunately it's hard to predict how you will feel until baby arrives. Pre-birth I would have said these wedding plans would be fine, once DS came along I changed and I would have hated being away from him for so long at that stage.

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Aworryingtrend · 27/02/2014 08:40

I left mine overnight at 5 months and would have been ready earlier probably if the occasion had arisen. However I FF and I think that made a big difference. I have friends who BF and whose LO wouldn't ever take a bottle and they couldn't go away for the night til LO moved onto a cup and was eating proper meals ie nearly a year old.

I think it is realistic but you would have to introduce a bottle quite early on. Or could baby be brought to you for feeds if necessary?

ZuleikaD · 27/02/2014 08:40

If you're breastfeeding you will find it very hard to express enough to deal with overnight feeds for a night. Not to be a rain-on-the-parader, but also 4 months is exactly when nights often get really bad as they go through the 16-week sleep regression. I don't know how much you know about feeding but when they're really hungry they can have a feed and be hungry again 20 minutes later. During the day your baby will definitely need quick and regular access to your boobs so you might want to bear that in mind as regards dresses. (I took DS2 in a sling at 4m to a cousin's wedding and wore a strapless dress that I could just wriggle down to feed him)

It might not be like that of course - your baby might feed every two hours like clockwork from day one (DD did this) and be sleeping through by 4 months. But that would be pretty unusual. Could you take the baby with you for the overnight visit?

I didn't leave any of my babies until they were sleeping through the night and then only with DH. Eldest is now 4 and still hasn't stayed overnight with anyone other than us - I know she's not ready.

Original poster

ovenbun · 27/02/2014 09:02

Thanks for all the advice so far :)

I think the dress is pretty perfect for feeding which is good, its one of those tie up stretchy multiway things so boobs should be easy to access which is fab, although I will have to chat with my friend about how she feels at me feeding at the top table and things or whether I should nip off to somewhere quieter. So much to think about!

I think having the baby stay at hers overnight two might be a bit tough for her if they kept waking...my husband will be staying with the groom so he is ruled out too..

One option might be to stay late in the evening with the baby, then to drop the baby at my inlaws in time for me to help with bride getting ready in the morning, I guess in the middle of the night my friend is unlikely to need me, and if she does she can ring, the other bridesmaids will be staying there which is good so it isn't a case of being alone if I cant be there..

so much to think about!

OP posts:

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 27/02/2014 09:12

What about your bra, will the dress permit a nursing bra to be worn? I needed decent support while BF.

The stay late in the evening then go home with baby idea sounds like a good one. My DD was still feeding pretty well all evening at that point though, so that might limit what you can do.

mrsravelstein · 27/02/2014 09:14

ds1 at about 9 months, with help from excellent ex-inlaws

ds2 at 2 years. dd not til she was 3. but mostly because didn't have any family able to help til they were bigger, and because both were breastfed til 14 months so couldn't have left them before then.

ChaffinchOfDoom · 27/02/2014 09:20

I would be tempted to let the other bridesmaids do the overnight thing; you can visit the evening and be there bright and early on the day; I agree probably not the easiest idea to sleep at hers with baby in tow

I was bridesmaid for my sister whilst bf and they put these cup things into the chest area of the dress so any leaks wouldn't bugger up the silk

Chunderella · 27/02/2014 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/02/2014 09:23

If you are BFing you will need the dress to be able to cover a decent bra, and also breast pads to catch leaks.

I was a BM when DS2 was 4 months old. It was hard work, I was there for my friend as much as I could be, but being a sensible woman she understood and absolutely expected that my baby would come first!

Why the fuck does she need you in the middle of the night?? The fuss people make about getting married is utterly bonkers.

I wouldn't sit at the top table if I were you - I didn't, in part because I would be BFing and didn't want to inadvertently show a nipple to the room

I'm guessing this is your first? When is the wedding? I really think you need to be realistic with yourself and your friend about what you can do.
If you aren't BFing then it is definitely going to be easier - depending on what kind of baby you have!!

CrispyCrochet · 27/02/2014 09:23

I would guess this is going to be incredibly hard for you to know beforehand. You'll have to wait & see what sort of baby you will have. My DS is 11 weeks & stuck to me like velcro. I can hardly leave him for an hour with DH much less overnight with a grandparent. But then as some PP have said you might find it easy.

Expressing will be tough, I would suggest you get practiced early & pump little & often to build up a stash in the freezer. I'm BFing on demand & find it hard to pump more than about 1.5/2 ounces a day. So it could take me a week to pump enough to last DS all night (not to mention you'll probably need to bring your pump to bride's house as you could potentially get engorged).

I think maybe make a few tentative plans but ultimately you'll have to wait & see.

Congratulations btw. If you'd like to scare yourself you can go read my AIBU post regarding newborns.

Original poster

ovenbun · 27/02/2014 09:28

The dress can be tied lots of different ways so can hide a nursing bra if needed.

I think the staying late/visiting early option will probably be easiest...just have to see what the little monster is like when they arrive I guess :)

for the evening of the wedding we are going to book a hotel room so me or dh can have somewhere to go with baby if needed :)

OP posts:

CrispyCrochet · 27/02/2014 09:32

Sounds like you are being practical & realistic.

Good luck. I hope it all works out for you.

Cosmo89 · 27/02/2014 09:36

I would tell your friend that you couldn't make any firm decisions until after you've settled down with the baby, know what they're like, but also assessed early years motherhood from your own point of view.
Of course, assume that you won't/can't leave them- but do NOT beat yourself up if you find yourself, 4 months in, skipping off sans Baby with a smile on your face and having a ball on your first solo time for 4 months.... Not to mention the prospect of a full nights sleep. My first night away was when DS was nearly 6 mo - had it not been for a funeral would have loved the time away.....

joosiewoosie · 27/02/2014 09:42

My dd is 19 months old, and I still haven't left her overnight.

Only last month, we went to a matinee of a west end show and left her with her aunty from 10.30am til 7 at night, for the first time since she's been born.

People can judge all they like. I don't care. We are happy and will do things when we are ready!

If it's right for you, it's right. Full stop. If anyone judges, it's because they need to because it's how they work. It means nothing about you, so should mean nothing to you.

Most of all, enjoy your child! They are not little for very long at all! X

Cosmo89 · 27/02/2014 12:59

It seems everyone feels judged! Both for leaving and not leaving. I think the central message is to wait and see what is right for you- to hell with what anyone else thinks x

whatsagoodusername · 27/02/2014 13:15

At about 6 weeks. We were visiting my mother, had been there almost two weeks so he was used to being there. We snuck off to a hotel for a night and slept and slept and slept. It was lovely.

Theyaremysunshine · 27/02/2014 13:23

Yes, just wait and see. I have friends and family who have left dc earlier than that, they had the type that slept all night and settled with anyone.

Me, I left DS first at 7m for work overnight. He and his sister were Velcro, refluxy babies. DS woke every 45 mins for 5 months. The concept of going to a wedding for even a couple of hours would have been beyond me at 4m. I felt horrific, tbh. They completely bottle refused (I tried everything) and I had to wait til they got the hang of a cup. This is extreme though.

You sound v realistic. Ignore the first 6 weeks which are a bit of a blur for most people, and then see how you feel. So much can change in 4 months.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 27/02/2014 13:43

Eh? I certainly don't feel judged. I can't see any posts where anyone has said anything judgey or that they have been judged. That wasn't the question, the question was about the practicalities of it and whether people felt ready for it themselves at the same time in their babies lives.

ZuleikaD · 27/02/2014 14:04

I agree with WhoKnows - I don't think anyone's been remotely judgmental. Who are you talking about, Cosmo?

Cosmo89 · 27/02/2014 23:28

I was talking about joosie and myself - who both obviously feel judged, even of we choose to ignore it.
You're misinterpreting my post

Cosmo89 · 27/02/2014 23:35

..., sent too soon....

I wasn't thing about mumsnet, more RL. Joosie, from her post, sounds like she feels judged but chooses to steer her own ship. I feel the same. We both had very different experiences inestimable our DC. Neither is 'right' - we just did what we needed to do. And screw everyone else.
And - yes- I have blatantly been judged in RL for leaving my DC for a night when he was 6mo - and working away for weekly stretches at a time since he was 10mo. Just like the people who judge mums for NOT leaving their children, those people didn't know what they were talking about and I chose to ignore them

Cosmo89 · 27/02/2014 23:36

For in estimable read in leaving
Stupid iphone

Smerlin · 27/02/2014 23:43

We have left our baby overnight once at 3 months with my MIL and she was absolutely fine. Your parents or your in-laws have brought up children of their own and (should!) know what they're doing!

With BF it does depend though - a friend of mine hasn't even managed a couple of hours away fr her baby as she is a bottle refuser.

Also if you're anything like me, you will NEED that pump in the middle of the night to stop boobs being in agony!

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