rang child protection services about ds

[beansontoast]

....social worker just rang me back...thinks there are grounds to investigate further.

im in proper full on shock...not as bad as last night,but still shaking abit and i feel like its happening to someone else...a bit detached...functioning but not with it....

my ds...three this sept...was creepily sexually expilicit last night .i wont sya what he said cos im feeling cautious.

something about the context ,manner...his choice of words...his choice of verb...immediately waved a red flag for me.oh god i feel so so sick.

Hello Beans
Ive just finished reading and want to add my voice to the support posted here for you my friend(!). As you know, words don't ususally fail me but to catch a glimpse of this difficult and painful rollercoaster you've been on leaves me cold....I think the printing this off idea is a great one, and I also know what many have said about yu being an awesome, fantastic and amazing mother and wot this means for the little man. I also support you 100% in your decision to live and not wait. This is what you can do.. what you have say and control over.

I send you huge hugs, a shoulder, what ever ...

lots and lots of love XXX

Even in the depths, your humour shines ...wow you are something else!!.

Hello BOT

Good on you girl, you have a winning attitude. You are so right that you have to be yourselves within your family and you can deal with any residual behaviour or talk just as if he said "stinkypoopants" at the dinner table, because you are reining in unacceptable behaviour not putting an unholy taboo on it and giving it an peversely elevated or reverrant status. (does that make sense?)

Hold and love and play with you boy just as you always have and as you will for years and years to come and be yourselves.

As you may know I don't do hugs, so have a punch on the arm.

dp hoiked me off the computer last night...immediately i had finishe d my post..i had really really wanted to stay on...for the first time i felt like saying a few live thank yous to people cos i am dependent on this support...and wanted to show it...feel better for a bit of sleep before midnight though.

talking with rubylou on the phone,we concluded taht talking on mnet allows me to be my natural shout it from the rroftops self and rake in the goodwill that fortifies me, whilst limiting any neagative consequences for ds....this gush gush gush is

SLURKING...im so touched by your message (xx)..and can also relate to your 'lurking ,not really on mnet' status. oh god ...that sick thing...its horrendous.. its all i could say...'i feel sick'...i couldnt hold a cup of tea untill thurs lunch time i was shaking so much.however i could have torn someone limb from limb...i will try and find your thread,but i dont know how..when was it?...oh ive just realised your name is secur right?...that rings a bell..ill have a go.
i dont know how you managed with your children....it must have been desperately difficult...as i say im a shadow of myself,with one ds and an army of support im still on the edge at times....so lots of love to you for getting through what i know is a devasting time.

thursday pm was the last time i had contact with my soc worker...and was pretty ratty...talking ten to the dozen in a shirty kind of monotone...not wanting to miss any evidence ...making suggetsions that reflect my lack of understanding of the system and my idealistic simplistic way of ...oh blah blah blah.

ultimately she said...''we'll see you tues and you can raise your concerns with my mananger who has more clout interms of making decisions...jot down whatever stuff you wnat to say over the weekend and take care''...

so i imagine that teh distance from the services this weekend and friday has given me a break and thats why i feel better...

oh just remembered that th epolice said that other police would come and take a statement...they havent!

TC and HM ...your magnanamous qualities are heart warming (and consistent...i am such a lurker)...thanks for your offers..ill play it by ear xx

really should go ..this has taken me yonks.
sincere thanks again xxx

TAHNK YOU SUZY WONG XX

No F'ckn Worries, Mate

BoT - thought of you almost as soon as I woke up this morning so wnted to check in. Your posts are so wonderfully open. Being able to pour it out, on here and to RL friends and family will help you so much. Really do think you are amazing. TC xx

BOT I have been following your thread but didn't know what to say tbh.I think you are amazingly strong and together considering the trauma you are going through.It is every parents worst fear and you are dealing with all it brings you.MN is an excellent sounding board in times like this as you really can just pour it all out in a way that might be difficult in RL.Take strength from everyone who is offering love and support and I hope the coming weeks bring you peace and resolutionxx

I too have been thinking of you a lot over the weekend. Am full of admiration for you and how you are handling this.

Thank God you found out. It doesn't bear thinking about if your DS HADN"T said anything to make you realise.

Great idea to print this thread off - you will be able to see how far you have come. Because you WILL get through this.

xx

Beans, I totally relate to what you are saying, I have never felt so scared and impotent in my life. The only thing I found was that as soon as I knew that SS could not do anything to help me I stepped back from them and started to make my own choices and desicions and it made me feel a lot more in control of my own destiny IYSWIM.

Will be thinking of you - and sending you lots of cyber support.

SLurking xx

Beans - thinking of you all the time. Sending you cyber strength. x

thinking of you BOT. i think you are so right to be making decisions. well done. keep going and keep posting as long as it helps.

i have just found this thread and it makes me so sad and upset fro you.
sending you some virtual strength and calm thru cyberspace and just hoping you and your family can havea little bit of fun in the next few days... ((((((((hug)))))))

BOT,

I don't know if this will help but thought I would post anyway:- I am a police officer and deal with Child Protection. Child abuse is a big part of my work.
You seem to be doing an amazing job keeping it together. In my experience the children have "got on with life" and its been the parents that have been left struggling to cope.
It's great that you have felt the S/Worker has been a constant point of contact, however you may benefit from counselling from Agencies such as Victim Support (I don't know where you are, but I'm sure there are various agencies who counsell parents in these situations).
Please feel free to CAT me if you want to talk.
Hope this helps!

XX

God BOT, I've only just seen this.
Can't believe what your going through right now.
I just hope that you see some positive bright light at the end of this dark tunnel very very soon.

XXXXX
(Nbg)

bot thinking of you, sorry i havent anything to add, xxxxxx

BOT - I keep checking in to see how you're all doing. Sounds to me that the do what's right for you attitude is the right one. Wonderful to hear that DP is fab and maybe that's the silver lining. Hold on.

im fed up and self conscious of the 'blog' tone of this thread!....so,ive got some questions now...

in no particular order

i think ds will remember the mechanics.i think this because of other innocent/irrelevant things he has remembered and repeated in the past eg dp's friend hiding spoons up his sleeve...i saw ds repeating this MONTHS later,totally umprompted.

it is also my opinion that a 2;6 yrs child is more likely to learn by experiential learning than repeating language/behaviour from the telly....(i think im prob stifling my feelings cos im getting all wordy...pragmatic.. and 'lets attack this strategically' to distance myself...)

soo...my question is What do i do to adjust his template of wht is ok behaviour?

im up on child centered approaches to things,positive reinforcement, face saving feedback, modelling etc ...so i feel i prob have the right approach ?? but i dont know the actual words

do you know any books for tots? ...books always good yeah??

do you think that because it's no longer in the behaviour repertoire of those adults who care for him it'll fade from his 'bag of tricks'....oh god am i talking in code?

having said so triumphantly 'im doing this myway' or whatever...i now know i dont actually have much of a way atall...beyond the theory..

i feel a bit...mmmm quite a bit... of pressure (prob self generated)...to not make a bad situation worse.

I also know that I am allowed to make a couple of mistakes cos in the grand scheme of things that ll be ok....but im scared.

i can talk the talk...but im shitting myself

the funny thing is earlier i was going to change my name to 'mummytiger' cos i felt soo instinctively, naturally, all powerfull, 'come and have a go' and indestructible .

i just want this to stop now...cos [aged seven again]'ive been so good'...and im tired...

I'm no expert but gut feeling tells me that with your love and care it will 'fade from his bag of tricks'. But someone will be along I'm sure with better advice than that!

You sound so weary - not surprising. Don't forget yourself in all this - can you get some time for you if you think that would help? You must feel wrung out.

just wanted to say hi - I read your original post and was so sad for you and your ds. Not much else to say except to wish you all the strength in the world in dealing with this.

xx

when the time is right a good play therapist may help him (and may be able to offer you some support too.... or your local camhs (child and adolescent mental health services). ask you hv. have followed tis and just want to say you are coping really well in horrendous circs. stay strong and hope things improve in time.

should be studying.. but much more concerned about you.

I have such confidence in you, even if you are scared, that your insticnts will serve you well when theory doesn't seem to have it.. I think the book idea is good. I have come across therapeutic stories and think they have alot of power. Lots of levels, child in charge, less pressure on you etc. Ill think on that..and get back.

I think your'e right about the memories, but don't know.. A two year old memeories might not be coherent but they must be there on some level. I thinks your right though to acknowledge this because my gut instinct is secrets are bad and have more power. Some how openness, frankness and staight talk takes some of the power away and puts you and yours back in the driving seat.

That's just from the gut and I can't imagine how hard this must be to ponder let alone act on.. You're in my thoughts XXXX

Hi BOT,

I did a search for you and found this book (-also reviews on it and a few other books suggested in the reviews). I don't know if it is any good but maybe worth looking at. Go and get a good night's sleep! :)

\link{http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/customer-reviews/0935699104/103-7502807-7870235\right touch}

Peg

Or this may help you:

\link{http://www.kidscape.org.uk/publications/descriptions/whymy.shtml\why my child}

(-Yay, I can do links! :))

Beans on Toast - I have know idea what to add except :( that anyone could do terrible things to a child. Thinking of you xxx

I'm positive it will fade, but over time. There may be a tricky period when/if he remembers when he is older his knowledge of what is and is not taboo is formed and he then realises somebody did something wrong if you see what I mean. Or right now the acting out might occur when he plays mammies and daddies with other kids (which is perfectly natural) but maybe that's something to ask the SW about. I'm not a professional, but have some experience of inappropriate behaviour from my step dad but I was much older - these are only things that have crossed my mind as a mum and how I'd try to manage it.

A former friend of mine's mum used to foster children, one of them a girl with baggage of this sort, but she had been exposed it to it for a long time and she was 7 or 8 by the time she was removed. Inevitably she acted inappropriately with every man she met and to my astonishment, my friend and her mother began to resent her for it and would over react in at every incident, not calmly explaining that it wasn't appropriate but telling her off and punishing her - it became the stock form of rebellion and attention seeking then basically, much I thought due to their insensitive responses. me and my friend fell out in this period because as she would regale me the 'horror stories' her and her mum suffered all I could do was empathise with the poor girl.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you this - maybe it's to illustrate that even though things are bad, they could be a lot worse, IYSWIM. Your blogs seem to help you manage your thoughts, which is good, test them out here before you do at home. You don't seem to be responding in a reactionary and negative way to your DS when he says or does things, unlike my former friend and her mum, which I'd imagine is good. As things normalise around him, over time I'm sure he will forget. I'm sure you, and the people around him, will play a large part in that and will need advice so keep asking for it, here and from the professionals around you. x