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Original poster

rang child protection services about ds

309 replies

beansontoast · 24/05/2006 14:46

....social worker just rang me back...thinks there are grounds to investigate further.

im in proper full on shock...not as bad as last night,but still shaking abit and i feel like its happening to someone else...a bit detached...functioning but not with it....

my ds...three this sept...was creepily sexually expilicit last night .i wont sya what he said cos im feeling cautious.

something about the context ,manner...his choice of words...his choice of verb...immediately waved a red flag for me.oh god i feel so so sick.

OP posts:
grannygoose · 29/05/2006 09:45

Hi BOT - didnt get time to post yesterday, but want you to know that I am still here sending you strength and love over the net. This sounds really naff I know, but I hope that for every tear a MNetter sheds for you, you will have one less tear to shed. You are amazingly brave and strong, and I know in my heart that whatever happens, you will instinctively do the right thing for your baby and for you and DP too. lots of love GGxxxxx

Securlurking · 29/05/2006 10:21

Hi beans, I know how you feel - take on the world one minute, hide under a tablecloth the next. I havn't time to reply fully now but I will come back later.

As far as his memory is concerned he may recal it - but only if he thinks of it as important and it is really difficult to know what a child of this age really finds important enought to recall - nyour example, he clearly thought it was important to recall spoons up the jumper - which an adult wouldn't consider imoportant at all. Also, if he does recall you don't know how, it could be "do you remember taht funny...., that was strange wasn't it - and no more. His memory will never be the same as yours.

I think he is too young to worry about changing his behaviour, he will see over time that this is not the norm and talking about it or aluding to it will just serve to fix it more firmly in his head.

I also wanted to say that the strong days will begin to win through in the end, there will be more strong days and less hiding days IYSWIM. Certain things still get me now - I havn't been back to the place where dd "disclosed" to me - we were on a family day out. All the children want to go again but I think that moment is burnt on to my mind forever and I am sure I couldn't be normal there. However apart form that I am quite normal now really ;-)
Slurking xx

Original poster
beansontoast · 29/05/2006 17:47

pegasus...thanks for those links...the kidscape stuff looks great...the soc worker is bringing details of the support they offer,with her tomorrow...oh and also im so chuffed that you learnt to do links for me Smile

securlurking..this must be tough for you too?...i could nt find your thread...and im gutted.
what you said about not being able to go back to that palce oc sits etched onto you....thats a bit like what i said to dp about when ds said and did what he did Sad..i said it would stay with me forever!...howevr i have had no choice but to get into bed with him each night since it happened...which might be a good thing in the long run??...i really dont know how you managed with othe rchildren...i am physically and mentally exhausted with one!!

thats the phne!!!drat...later xxxxx

OP posts:
plummymummy · 29/05/2006 23:02

I think snuggling with him in bed is a good thing for both of you Smile as you both need the closeness right now.

cazzybabs · 29/05/2006 23:24

couldn't bring myself to post before but hope things are OK tomorrow and hope your dps job interview went as well as it good given the circumstances.

hovely · 30/05/2006 10:09

don't really know what to say except that your strength and care and love for your DS are so powerful and moving. Wishing you all the courage and patience you need to keep going until you feel you have all moved on.

Rhubarb · 30/05/2006 10:26

I don't know what to say to all of this, except that I am so terribly terribly sorry that you have to go through the nightmare we all fear. Sad

Elibean · 30/05/2006 13:40

Beans, just thinking of you...not sure if I can help with any of your questions, but wanted to say this: I used to work with women who had been abused as kids - and all I can tell you is that every single one of them was there mostly because no one had recognized it at the time, stood up for them, or heard/seen them. ALL of which you are doing for your ds, hence why we're all telling you what a brilliant job you're doing.
From my (limited) experience, I'd say keep processing your own feelings, hopefully your dp is doing the same, and if your ds does need to talk about it, or just have it validated that it happened, one day - you will be there for him, and/or get him age-appropriate support if he needs it. Which is wonderful, although its awful that you have to be - IYSWIM.
Hugs...

Original poster
beansontoast · 30/05/2006 18:38

oh fuck it another blog day!

i knew id feel sick again today...i knew id feel pulled in different directions...

i find the soc workers a bit less amazing that i frist thought...and toady im really fucked off...patronised .... smarting each time they interupt in their 'boomy know everything voices'....can tell they have thought of what theuy are going to say to me before ive even finished saying it Angry ....reply to my ciomments and concerns with fucking predicatble counter arguments...im RAGING

at least fucking pauyse...pretend to pause...befor effectively contradicting me...cnts!!

it wasnt a fucking serve...its not a competeition WE ARE ON THE SAME SIDE...Angry

''you are the expert on your own child'''...empty words ...shove em...i also have knowledge and expertise beyond my remit of 'neurotic middle class hyper vigilant conspiracy theorist worst cse scenario mum'

they have already admitted taht ours is an unusual case in taht i did the refering...why cant they then admit that actually their experience with mums liek me has limits...actually i dont know how relevan t at is but it must make a difference??

i rellay feel that it is this indsdious non specific stuff .... yet to be valued alongside teh forensic/physical eveidence...that is soooo vulnerable to s.worker interpretation...and all the variables they bring to thier work...assessment etc.

my typing is heaps better non?

thats not to knock the value of an experienced soc worke..clinicain... whatever.

err just reread all that ...the gist of it is...couple of soc workers visited and 'reined me in' from getting too carriued away...saying nothing may have happened (god knows I WANT THAT TO BE TRUE)...etc in such a way that had me staring open mouthed and now spitting fire....albeit MUCH MUCH worse in retrospect now im thinking about it again.

GOD they were sooo loud...im loud,talk in a permenant shout mostly ...but i dont shout at work...bah!!

aaaarrgh...oh and the patronising...irreelevant...INNACCURete examples they offered me ...from ds verbal interaction with tehm and me...to try and show me how children are able to copy speech....aaaarrrgh...after the third 'harping on about'...they actually made me bark''i know that...i know all that...i know a great deal about that''...in a voice that i ususllay save for particularly irrate arguments with dp Sad

at the same time as knowing/acknowledging that they are right on some stuff...diff types of interpreation etc 9and loads more of course) IM RIGHT TOO...IM SOO f'ing right on this one

..blimey what rant...Sad

OP posts:
stitch · 30/05/2006 18:40

hugs

Esmummy · 30/05/2006 19:00

This is the first time i have seen this beansontoast and i just don't know what to say. I am so so sorry :(

fullmoonfiend · 30/05/2006 19:15

BOT, have just removed my head from up me own arse and seen this thread. Can't not post, though I haven't anything helpful to add. But just want to add my admiration for the way you have handled this so far, and offer you hugs/sympathy/large pitcher of wine/whatever is most appropriate.

Keep posting, and know that there are hundreds of us out here in cyber-space rooting for you and your family.

pegasus · 30/05/2006 19:24

I know it doesn't really help BOT but we know you're right.

Californifrau · 30/05/2006 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett · 30/05/2006 19:43

hang in there Beans .. {{{hugs}}}

wilbur · 30/05/2006 19:53

Rant all you like, beansontoast, if it helps in even the tiniest way. Been thinking about you, like so many others. Wish I could say something constructive, but can only send {{{hugs}}}.

Rhubarb · 30/05/2006 20:00

I'm not sure what actually happened to your son. Why is it unusual that you reported it yourself? Surely they must get worried mothers calling them regularly? I understand you don't want to go into details but I am confused as to what has happened.

As far as the SS are concerned, I suppose they have to be 100% certain that something happened. They've been damned in the past for acting on information that was misleading and innocent people were put through hell. I would never be a SS, it seems to me that it's one of those jobs where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't! They'll be treading very cautiously and I know that must be very frustrating for you, you will want to see action straight away!

Focus on your ds now and give him lots of love and attention in the meantime. You're doing all you can.

TheLadyVanishes · 30/05/2006 20:03

BOT you kindly replied to my thread in allergies and i sent my hugs in there but i think they are better off here so big big hugs

Elibean · 30/05/2006 21:00

Rant away, Beans, I would be. I suppose they have to do their 'what if' bit, as Rhubarb says, to cover themselves - but how utterly frustrating, infuriating, and counterproductive it must feel to be on the receiving end of. And a bit scary, I'd imagine, at least - I'd be a bit scared in case they weren't going to listen to me (or my child via me) anymore. Hopefully they will, and it was just a 'make sure' sort of tactic.
Rough, rough time - I'm so sorry; tomorrow is another day and hopefully a less sick-making one. xxx

rubyloo · 30/05/2006 22:55

BOT... Thinking about you lots.and send you big hugs.

You must be so fucking pissed off and have every right to be. I know you know they have their job to do, but totally agree;reading a script is so insensitive and gives such a vibe of 'made my mind up about this one' rather than maintaining a degree of openness/neutrality even.

The thing that came to my mind is picking up on Elibean's post about the importance of believing and supporting people who disclose. Id hold on to that .. We all have 100% trust in your judgements and maternal instinct. I really do believe that you as a mother really know and understand what is and isn't normal for your ds.. never mind the masses of knowledge /expereince you have to bring to the table. Shit.. I have so much faith in your judgement.. please remember that, however horrible the consequences actuallly are.
keep posting the rants..
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
beansontoast · 31/05/2006 06:22

im so embarrassed about my rant Sad...it doesnt even make sense...barely Sad...it was pretty cathartic though...wouldnt have wanted to go to bed with that inside.

..in bed i was thinkingabout all those of you who have to wrestle for services all the fucking time...have to deal with recalcitrant officails etc...ignorant teachers...dla applictaions taht get nowhere and i was BlushBlush Blush....im cringing about my childish/indulgent attck...im blowing hot and cold...Sadi seem to have no midle ground.

thanks everyone ...i will hang in there....xx

OP posts:
Original poster
beansontoast · 31/05/2006 06:26

rhubarb...

i dont know why?....they saud that usually children are referred from other services ...professionals....and i believe them.

im so embarrassed asbout my rant as i just said...the sad fatc is i know all about the damed if do...dammed if dont...soem of myfrinds are social workers....sadly this is a case of me getting a scarily close slice of the action and expecting ludicrously high standards etc and then having a pitiful rant Blush

OP posts:
Furball · 31/05/2006 07:06

I've not posted before but have followed your thread with horror and really feel that you are holding up well.

Your rant in the whole scheme of things was very minor. Rant away, we don't mind. Better to take it out via typing than keeping it bottled in. Please don't be embarrassed. It doesn't matter, thats what Mumsnet is here for.

suzywong · 31/05/2006 07:16

yes, no one here is annoyed or critical of your rant - honest.

CarlyP · 31/05/2006 07:49

im sos orry you are going through this BOt. i hope you get the outcome you want out of all this and your ds remembers nothing of it.

cx