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Original poster

How do I stop Mother-in-law buying tat?

30 replies

Littlemissbusy · 25/02/2006 10:56

MIL loves buying tat - she even boughtlittle teddies with valentine's heart for all three children this year. I don't like to see the waste of money and would rather her stop buying tat and save up to buy something special - or fund their university eduction - or anything useful! She also doesn't really have the money to waste anyway! Any suggestions as to how to tackle this?

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serenity · 25/02/2006 11:10

My MIL is exactly the same, but tbh I gave up stressing about it a long time ago. At the end of the day it's her money, and if it makes her happy then , well, it's up to her really. Seriously, I've tried everything down to telling her outright to stop, but it doesn't work and it's not important enough to have a serious row over. Grit your teeth and smile sweetly just like that!

gigglinggoblin · 25/02/2006 11:11

suggest giving them pocket money instead?

MamaG · 25/02/2006 11:19

I had this with mine. In the end I just said "I really appreciate all the gifts you buy X and X, but we are running out of room with all their toys, they find it hard to keep their rooms tidy with all the stuff, so is it OK if we keep the stuff you buy at your house, so it's here when they come over?"

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MamaG · 25/02/2006 11:19

OR you could have a ceremonial bonfire on the front lawn next time she comes over, chuck on the tat and say "that's what will happen if you buy any more SHITE for my kids!!"

serenity · 25/02/2006 11:22

I love the ritual burning thing, but DH might get a bit narked with me. We leave everthing at hers as well, including toys that are too bulky to come home - she knows we have no space, so if she buys it, she looks after it! (saves ferrying toys back and forth as well)

Original poster

Littlemissbusy · 25/02/2006 12:53

The burning one is a good one! At the moment - I'm removing the offending tat items and hiding them away in one place - then when she comes with yet another little purse with hideous princess on, or some other bit of stuff she just couldn't resist, then I'll get out the box and say "just put it straight in here with the others" and btw, that's about £50 you've wasted so far this year!!!! You could have bought one of the children a new bike instead!

OP posts:

fairyjay · 25/02/2006 13:10

It might be tat in your eyes, but it's still a token of love, and should be accepted as such.

I'm sure that there are many people who would love their MIL to think of their children.

Having a house full of rubbish irritates me too, but better that than hurt people who really care.

bundle · 25/02/2006 13:15

i agree with fairyjay, it would hurt your MIL very much if you stopped her from buying things.

one person's tat is another's precious momento.

why not have a box which you keep things in and every now & then sort them - either bin; scrapbook - some things like invitations or birthday cards/photos are lovely for them to look back on; or give little toys etc to charity shop.

mrspitt · 25/02/2006 13:16

Littlemissbusy- my MIL is the biggest tat collector going and now what i do is say thanks leave it around for a few weeks so she sees it then take it to the charity shop.

She buys that much cheap crap that she never remembers anyway

charliecat · 25/02/2006 13:16

My mum kept giving my kids money, and they would go to the shop, buy a magazine with plastic tat and then refuse to allow me to bin them even months later.
So I suggested she put the money by for swimming lessons and its much better.
Maybe suggest something similar.

Elibean · 25/02/2006 14:44

Easier to address with a mother than a mil, I'd think....tend to agree with Fairyjay, if she loves tat, she'll give it to those she loves too. I think I'd probably try saying something about how generous she is, but how much stuff they have in their rooms and perhaps from now on saving up for a few, special things would be better. But definitely think sensitive...she sounds loving, and thats worth a lot!
FWIW, I feel the same about the contents of partybags...dd plays with them for two seconds, then they start their inevitable journey towards the dump.

Caligula · 25/02/2006 15:35

I think your MIL is entitled to buy her grandkids whatever she wants (within reason) but you're not obliged to keep it or look after it.

My latest tactic is to say to the numerous relatives who buy my kids tat, is that for every new toy we receive, one gets put in the charity bag, as we have no space and if the kids have too many toys, they don't look after them or appreciate them.

Startled looks all round, but funnily enough, less tat coming through and more consultation about what might be more "suitable" presents.

jenniferjuniper · 25/02/2006 15:40

my nan was the queen of tat buying and it drove my mum mad .Now she is the nan she seriously has to curb herself doing the same

Original poster

Littlemissbusy · 25/02/2006 15:43

Yes, MIL does care very much! I'm now feeling a bit guilty for whinging after some of the comments!
The ironic thing is that I spent 10 years working for one of the world's largest toy companies, and so encouraging people to buy toys (actually, I don't mind toys - it's the little bits of stuff I object to!) - I now run a website, www.idealpresent.co.uk - we don't sell anything, but advise on great presents to buy. There's also a present list facility (think wedding lists but for children) - I set up one of these for my children with great suggestions on for things they really want or need - all my family are on-line, but guess who isn't! MIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BTW - if anyone wants to try idealpresent - most of the services are foc, but type "Mumsnet06" in when you register, and you'll get it all for free.

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Original poster

Littlemissbusy · 25/02/2006 15:45

Sorry to go on - the reason I'm really irritated at the moment, is that after the latest round of Valentine's gifts (all tat! and btw - since when do children get Valentine's cards and presents???!!!) - DD1 asked me where all her other presents for Valentine's Day were! She thought it was an occasion like a birthday when she should get loads of presents!!!!

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jenniferjuniper · 25/02/2006 15:45

could you not tell her theres something specific they would love and ask her to help them save up and go and get it with them when they have enough

Original poster

Littlemissbusy · 25/02/2006 15:47

Thanks jenniferjuniper - that's a good suggestion!

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jenniferjuniper · 25/02/2006 15:50

yes it was my solution with my tat happy mum ! - have to drag her away from the crappy toy aisles at times though .But she loves going with the kids when they choose something cos then it still feels like her treat

lockets · 25/02/2006 15:50

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kitegirl · 26/02/2006 06:03

my MIL is like this - except that she does not buy NEW things, she brings OLD tat that she has kept. Baby clothes from the 1970's that have been worn by all her five children, threadbare... I have politely accepted these and made room by chucking out some tat that she has given earlier, but when she showed up with her old nursing bras and presented them to me as gifts, I had to have a word... eeeuuurrrggghhh!!

SuperTramp · 26/02/2006 06:44

kitegirl

My MIL regularly brings round old rubbish that she has found at charity shops and car boot sales because she 'couldn't resist it'. She nearly gave me a nervous breakdown when I was pregnant with all the shite she brought round. I told her to stop it once and she had an almighty tantrum - and then the next week she was back again with more crap

Charlene1 · 26/03/2006 00:48

I always tell family clearly "not to bother buying toys etc. for birthdays/xmas as they have too many, but thank you for the thought, maybe they could buy a book" - as they don't take up that much space and will be appreciated/educational etc. I'm usually ignored, and then they dare to lecture me about all the toys they have!! Wouldn't tell friends though, as I would worry about appearing rude!

Also could point out that the kids are growing up to expect things from everyone who visits and you feel it's wrong. My gran used to give me sweets every time I went to her house when I was little, and I used to expect it whenever we visited anyone. I don't want my kids to do that.
She didn't do that with my kids though as she preferred to just give money to put in the bank for them at xmas and birthdays so they could
If MIL's doing it because she is genuinely believing she's being "nice" then maybe you could get a novelty piggy bank and ask her to give them the money instead. Then you can make a big thing about it like "ooh, let's feed the piggy" or if you can get one with "slides" that let you see the money go down to make it "exciting". Then they can save up and have the fun of choosing what to spend their money on instead of someone else's choice of gift, as jenniferjuniper said.
We've just invested the trust fund voucher thing, and our welcome pack includes cards to give to friends & family with the a/c no. on so they can donate to it anonymously anytime, so I am going to give these out to people and suggest they put money in it at xmas and birthday instead of toys. Probably won't work though.

If your mil can't afford all this expense anyway, say you feel really guilty at her spending loads of money, could she possibly do something like baking/gardening/teaching them to do something with the kids instead - quality time, you get a break, kids have fun, she has an "end product" that they get that doesn't fill the house - only their stomachs/garden etc.

Elf1981 · 26/03/2006 08:36

Bundles comment: "one person's tat is another's precious momento" which is why most of my "tat" gets recycled! Keep a few bits and pass the rest on. If asked where it is, claim it was broken.

We have family members who buy a lot of tat. DH and I will get pressies at Xmas which are plain awful from people we do not like very much. We stash them and give them as pressies next year to other people we do not like very much (these people dislike us in equal measures, we're all just polite as we're family!). Tat that is brought for DD is paraded around for a little bit and then either thrown away or given away. Such as horrible scratchy fair won type teddies. I kept it for a bit, then got rid of it. Some other stuff which is not evil but still tat either goes to charity or goes to a friend of mine who has two dd's and they love getting pressies that they can destroy!

Original poster

Littlemissbusy · 10/04/2006 22:36

I found lots of this advice really helpful - I actually spoke to MIL about the Valentine's presents - I think we made some progress! She did admit that she'd got a bit carried away. I also said please no chicks, bunnies, random Easter stuff, which I think she accepted too! But if you see a large bonfire in our front garden after April 16th, you'll know I failed miserably!!!
The big irony is that I actually run a website to advise people on great presents to buy children! (please have a look anyone - it's www.idealpresent.co.uk).

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ShaysMummy · 10/04/2006 22:39

you cant stop them, its a right they have. they do it to piss you off coz u pissed them off when you stole their baby boy.

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