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Original poster

Why does talking to my family always make me feel 'low'?

15 replies

unicorn · 25/03/2005 18:21

I guess I live in this dream world of having the perfect support network of mother, father, and siblings around.

I do not have that - and when I do speak to these people who are my family, they just bring it all back to childhood basics again.
(y'know guilt, sibling rivalry, power... etcetc)

Sorry, waffle...just needed to get it out of system!!!

I just get so fed up about the state of my family
(from my perspective that is)...
and wish I had a more supportive/caring one.

OP posts:

KBear · 25/03/2005 18:33

unicorn, I'm sorry to hear your family are unsupportive. why not rely on your friends as we can choose them and rarely choose badly! hope you feel better later, do something that makes you happy, pamper yourself, realise what a truly wonderful person you are and without their help too! Sing, "I am what I am" loudly or some other girly anthem. Chin up!

WideWebWitch · 25/03/2005 18:33

Unicorn, I know the feeling. I don't get on very well with my mum or her husband and have recently come to the conclusion that we have to deal with it by going to some counselling so that all the issues are dealt with via an impartial 3rd party. It's either that or stop speaking to them and that's not dealing with it, much as it's a tempting option . Nothing earth shatteringly awful in my case, just usual old stuff but it still needs resolving. Could you do that? I don't know if it's realistic in your position. If you had more other support from elsewhere do you think you'd feel better about your family? Or is there stuff there that needs to be discussed? Sympathy anyway.

kama · 25/03/2005 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

coppertop · 25/03/2005 18:46

Your family sounds similar to mine, Unicorn. No matter what you've got going on in your life they still manage to make you feel like you're 5 years old again.

Original poster

unicorn · 25/03/2005 18:59

yup coppertop..

I am absolutely nothing in the eyes of my family other than this 'oversensitive' 'moody' person who 'spoils everything' (coz I am a bit too gobby!!!)

I have had some counselling over these issues - but at the end of the day- I want them to be something they are not, and I guess they want me to be something that I am not either!

So how do you resolve that?

I just really wish I wasn't so 'bothered' about the whole family thing- but am afraid I am... it means a lot to me.

I just know that what I have got isn't the best for me.

OP posts:

coppertop · 25/03/2005 19:10

I wish I had the answer. My family don't seem to see that I am now married and with children of my own. In their eyes if they say "jump" I'm still supposed to ask "how high?".

I don't see them very often, even though most of them live very near to me. Dh calls me "the invisible one" because they really don't seem to notice that I'm even there - except when they want something.

Original poster

unicorn · 25/03/2005 19:15

families huh! who'd have them!!!!!

OP posts:

coppertop · 25/03/2005 19:15

Maybe we should just trade them in and see if we get a better deal?

Leogaela · 25/03/2005 20:07

I also have the same feeling - with my mother. She is staying with us at the moment and I have come to dread her coming and spend the whole time completely stressed, miserable and forget how to laugh while she is here (not good when ds is only a month old) feel really bad when she goes (guilt, disappointment etc...). I have been going through the same feelings of thinking I have to do something, and have thought about counselling as I think a lot fo the problem is unresolved issues from childhood. Like you Unicorn, I don't want to cut her out, she is my mum and (I think) I love her (somehow), and it woudl completely break her heart, i just wish she was completely different to what she is in every way I can think of.

I am relieved her visit (of 10 days) is coming ot an end, next time I have to tell her she can come only for a few days. I know i should talk to her about the situation but I can't talk to her!!!

The rest of the family (have 5 siblings) don't make me feel quite so bad, but I am often disappointed by them.

Original poster

unicorn · 25/03/2005 20:15

leogaela.. it's so hard sometimes..+ I really don't know the answer...

I guess the thing with my folks is that they are very old (dad is 84 - mum 82) so I know they won't be around for too much longer.

I won't be able to 'sort' it all - and I guess I have to get a grip on that.

I think someone once said was probably right, i.e - stop worrying about that family....
you have now created your own.

It's still hard though....

OP posts:

Leogaela · 26/03/2005 21:15

Unicorn, its really tough. My dad let us down really badly as a family when i was a child, I thought he didn't care about us and I spent years hating him and had only just started rebuilding a relationship with him when he got cancer. He died almost 6 years ago, i spent a long time feeling guilty and sad that I hadn't confronted him and made him talk to me about what his problem was.... I have some ideas now and think a lot of it wasn't his fault! I don't feel guilty or sad anymore, but do worry that the bad relationship will continue with my mum until the end of her life. Thing is (in my unreligious opinion) its those of us left behind that suffer not the ones that go.

The encouraging thing is that we are not alone in these frustrating situations with our parents. Seems as though a lot of people have problems. It somehow seems easier to keep the peace and not talk openly about the problems so they never get resolved.

Original poster

unicorn · 26/03/2005 21:19

guess I am not good at unresolved issues!

I do like to get things sorted, clear etc..
my family would obviously prefer to have a veil over everything, let us just 'pretend' we are a family. IFKWIM!

OP posts:

Libb · 26/03/2005 21:31

Mine are the same, my relationship has broken down so my sister is now in a mood because I went to Mum and Dad's for the weekend rather than her's. She then demanded to know if I would be coming down in the next 3/4 weeks because she wasn't sure of what her diary was like. When I said I wasn't sure she went into a mood because it was her birthday soon, I could be given a council house (possibly?) so how do I know?

Then Mum and Dad just told me to "leave her to it" because "that is just the way she is". Oh well, that is okay then.

Sod my life falling apart.

moschops · 27/03/2005 10:07

totally sympathise with this. its hard to put into words without writing an essay but i constantly struggle to feel close to my family.

i just feel total frustration with them and the way they deal (or rather DON'T deal with a problem). for example not telling me my real dad was someone else until i was a teenager, and then not telling my sister (we have different dads, the man i thought was my dad is hers) until i gave mum an ultimatum. this was about 10 years after i was told!!!

i'm going to stop now or i'll be here all day going on about it.

tallulah · 27/03/2005 10:09

Makes me feel so much better to read this, and know I'm not the only one with problems with family. I can never understand why my mum & brother can't be more like everyone else's.

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