Obsessed with someone’s life for years, is this normal?

[ForFairAzureSquid]

There’s this woman (32F) I know (not personally, just through social media) who’s really successful, independent, confident, and honestly seems to have everything together. We come from the same background (religion/ethnicity), and we even have some mutual friends, which probably makes it hit more. She’s also quite beautiful, which adds to it.

Meanwhile I’m (31M) still studying, living at home, and trying to figure things out.

She’s always out doing things, going to parties, work events, travelling to new places, meeting different people, and her life just looks really full and exciting.

Over time, I’ve realised it’s gone beyond just “admiring” her. I’ve been checking her profile for years now, looking at her posts regularly, even going through her friends/family accounts just to see more pictures of her. I compare my life to hers a lot and feel like I’m behind.

I know social media isn’t real life, but I still can’t seem to stop checking.

Is this creepy? And how do I actually stop?

No, not normal.
Yes, creepy.

Unfriend and block her.

This doesn’t sound healthy to me OP.

Sometimes we do this when we think our own life is lacking.

Yes, it's creepy.
Yes, it abnormal.

Delete whichever social media app you stalk her on. Consider swapping to a brick phone for the next 6 months while you break your habit.

Definitely this. Meet some real people and live your own life.

Stop following her. Ask yourself why you've created an imaginary rivalry with someone you've never met, based on a heavily curated version of their life as presented on SM.

I could also make my life look entirely enviable on SM if I went to enough trouble. It isn't. It's entirely ordinary, full of ordinary disasters, compromises, good stuff, failures, fun, successes, a mix.

Sorry, OP. You don't know her. Knowing someone is a two way process. You don't have a relationship with her and you might be aspiring to something that isn't even close to real. Social media is a curated snapshot of what the account owner wants you to see to make you follow and engage for business reasons. It's transactional. She gets money through this.

I think aspiring to be like this person and to devote time to online stalking this person might be preventing you from changing aspects of your life you are dissatisfied with and appreciating bits of your life that are already great. Comparison really is the thief of joy.

How would you feel about deleting all social media for a month? If that feels like a massive step, perhaps you should. You sound a bit addicted to this person's account and stepping away might be a good thing to try, especially if looking at it makes you feel bad about your own life. I think while you're still in the grips of this fascination, your own life might be on hold a little.

Come off the apps/sites where you’re following her. Delete your accounts.

Most people’s lives are not really how they appear on Social Media. And even if they are, so what? There will always be someone richer, better looking and more successful than ourselves. Envying it does us no good at all.

As you say social media isn’t real life but I also think it’s good to have positive role models.

Could you not change your life to be more like hers?

You say her life is really full and exciting, is there any reasons yours isn’t?

Obviously she probably has more money and lives in an area where socialising is easier but it’s good to know what you want from life and I think now you just need to figure out how to get there.

This is why I try and avoid Social Media. It really affects my self esteem and mental health. Even though I know people are only presenting a carefully curated view of their lives.
I echo what pp have said.

It’s completely normal, and a huge part of social media. How do we think Influencers make money? I’ve gone through various fascinations with people I sort of know, wives, girlfriends, sisters, old school friends. Influencers I’ve read about on Tattle etc…

Just because social media encourages this and people do it, does not make it normal or healthy.

It’s makes it common. And to be fair .. wtf is normal. And I say that as someone who has no social media

I think you need to go out more........

It might be ‘normal’ as in ‘common’, but it sounds really unhealthy to me. Lots of time spent on social media is really not good for any of us. You get one, short, precious life. What a waste to spend a proportion of it wishing you were someone else that you’ve never even met. I’ve never used Instagram or TikTok or whatever other channels are out there, and I can’t see that I’ve missed out on anything at all. I’ve been on FB for donkey’s years but have never used it to obsess over other people. It’s mostly adverts these days anyway.

Some people put so much on social media that following them is a bit like following Eastenders really, it’s a superficial thing, you want to know what happens next. And there’s no chance of reading spoilers! It doesn’t matter if it’s real or not, Eastenders is made up by a room full of scriptwriters and still manages to pull in the nosy parkers who want the exciting plot (I say that as someone who watches it). Not much difference.

If you are recognising it’s unhealthy or stopping you from living your own life, delete them or whatever you have to do to break the addiction.

It’s not remotely normal and tattle is a cesspit. And influencers don’t encourage people to become obsessed with their lives.

I totally agree with this. Most of it is absolutely boring, repetitive dross. You aren’t missing anything! Loads of advertising too. That’s why it’s easy to become more interested in “real” people. Hence why Influencers are successful advertising vehicles. It’s not healthy to be scrolling in general. But lots of people are compelled / addicted. Look at the younger generation? It’s terrible! But this is where we are… Also why people spend time on MN, Reddit, X, Tattle etc… Invested in other people’s lives. Who they don’t know!

Is there an attraction here op, as you’re male and she’s female. You make this sound about life style but you’re online stalking this woman, who you dint even know, are you fantasising about meeting her or being with her.

Social media is not real life, this is an obsession and not healthy for you at all. Also comparison is the thief of joy, It's making you feel like shit, you need to stop.

@ForFairAzureSquidOk so firstly not liking and not agreeing with people calling you creepy. You’re clearly self-aware and uncomfortable with what’s going on.

Secondly social media is addictive and makes us feel shit because it invites comparison. What is even more compelling here is like you say you’re from similar backgrounds and you have mutual friends. So she isn’t some distant influencer you can actually imagine her life and project dissatisfaction about your own life.

I think as a strategy you have to stop checking her account. It’s a constant reminder of the gap between where you are and where you want to be, which will make you feel rubbish.

Then maybe have a think about what you can do to make your life more fulfilling. It doesn’t have to be a case of literally trying to model your life like hers. But just things that may make you a bit happier. Once you become happier in your own circumstances some of the emotional fascination with her life will decrease.

Also stating the obvious that people project a certain version of themselves on Instagram and you never really know how happy they are and what’s going on, even when you think you may do. Stop treating what she posts on Instagram as a measure of your own success (or lack thereof)

This is exactly what social media hopes people will do: (1) fill the platform with attractive content and (2) consume content addictively.

OP I don’t know what to suggest other than to wean yourself off. You already recognise that it’s not healthy for you.

Social media and scrolling is a bit addictive, but if you feel behind can you make a plan to get you to where you want to be, focusing on the steps you need to be taking is far more productive.