Could you forgive ...

[chocmonster112]

Could you forgive your partner of 7 years of having a brief affair with someone and the other woman having his baby?
We have 3 children together, he doesn't want anything to do with the other child.

HE doesn’t want 2 families - here is the issue that will never change - he will always put himself at the centre of every situation, and be unwilling to ever prioritise anyone else, even his own children.

No,but I wouldn't forgive an affair full stop.

That is exactly how I feel, that poor child did not ask to be born into this mess. The affair is one thing but to compound it by planning to ignore the existence of the child shows a cruel streak

Careful. Your misogyny is showing.

Why are you suggesting the OW purposely got pregnant and lied to the man about contraception? Even OP’s husband doesn’t seem to have tried this as an excuse. You are just making things up now.

I thought I forgave my partner for cheating on me and then he did it again and again and it's taken me almost 2 decades and a marriage to realise I never did truly forgive him. To forgive him I had to make my feelings smaller and go against everything my body was telling me I should do to protect myself. I lost myself and the only good thing to come out of it was my child. If I didn't have him I wouldn't have been strong enough to leave. How could you stay with someone who refuses to parent the innocent child he brought into this world by his own selfish choices? (edited to have this isn't me assuming you would just a general broad how could anyone type of question)

I could forgive the affair. I think I could possibly also love someone else's child and co-parent. I am in another group elsewhere that have members who are doing precisely this.
I could not forgive him rejecting his own child though. As @chocmonster112 says, it is the knowledge that he could do the same to my own that would make this insurmountable for me.

@chocmonster112 are you actually married to him? You say partner not husband. I would be very concerned about your entire legal and financial security at this point.

this

The lying would be the worst part for me. He found out his OW was pregnant and chose not to tell you.

As you were nearing the birth of your baby he also knew that the OW was about to give birth to his other baby, and still kept it secret from you.

On the day his baby was born he would have found out and continued to play happy families with you, again choosing to keep this a secret from you.

His baby was 5/6 months old and all that time he kept it a secret from you. 14 months of continually choosing to keep that a secret from you.

I couldn't forgive the lying. I couldn’t forgive the cheating. I couldn’t be with a man who could cast aside his own child. All 100% unforgivable.

I do think that having children is different for women. We are pregnant, give birth and so bond with that baby from the moment we decide to go ahead with a pregnancy. For some men, it often isn't 'real' until the baby is born. Or the bond they form is through their partner.
I can see why a man might feel distant from the child formed as the result of an affair, where he no longer cares for the woman he was shagging and where he's had to say or input into the pregnancy.
Of course the onus is on him to not put himself in that position.

But it's not misogynistic to think that the ow has responsibilities too and should be aware of what she's potentially doing to her own child by having a baby by a man, in these circumstances. Shes not an innocent party in this - she's deliberately picked a man who is committed elsewhere, a man who is a liar and a cheat and she's colluded with him in that lying and cheating.
To go ahead with a pg in this situation makes her as selfish as him. Children born from affairs are affected by the circumstances of their birth - it's really not fair to put this on a kid.

He told the ow, we'd been over for a long time and he was sleeping on the sofa as he didn't want to live apart from his kids, they were only talking for a very long time, she trusted what he said, he never used to finish inside her 🤮 apart from this one time and they both said the same thing, she didn't know he was going to and didn't agree to it, he said he assumed if she got pregnant she'd abort it .. disgusting attitude. I have nothing against the ow, he had the responsibility towards me and my kids not her, he did say when he found out she was pregnant he wouldn't have any involvement and I'm not saying this is ok at all, I feel the opposite actually; in my opinion he took the decision to put his sperm inside her, he knows the potential outcome of this decision so therefore at that time he is accepting responsibility for making a child! I won't be taking him back, I even feel differently about his mum now for going along with his decision, I know it's not what she wants but I think he's spun her a load of lies about ow to put her off! I won't be hiding the fact my children have a half sibling, when they're old enough to understand and deal with the emotions that will come with that.
For now I will be taking a step back from him and the ow. I think in time it will properly hit me and I need to deal with that and then see how I feel about possibly meeting up with her and our kids having a relationship but that's all a decision for another day! Thank you for all your replies, I really appreciate them and they have given me the clarity that I needed.

Boak.

I'm sorry.

Sounds like a great bloke, do you honestly think anyone is going to say that? Really?

@Edingril I've never said he is a great guy, I expect everyone to call him what he is, a vile scum bag

Then what on earth do you want from this thread? For people to tell you what you already think?

He will paint a completely different picture to everyone around him, trying to make him look like the ip

Any views on the OPs update? Or it still the woman’s fault?

@Edingril why are you being horrible? If you don't like my thread you don't have to comment.

Are you not familiar with the internet? Its a discussion forum - opinions are the whole point

she trusted what he said, he never used to finish inside her 🤮 apart from this one time and they both said the same thing, she didn't know he was going to and didn't agree to it, he said he assumed if she got pregnant she'd abort it .. disgusting attitude
He's truly a vile human being. There's no coming back from knowing that about someone.

You sound lovely OP, you have grace and a lot of empathy, your kids are lucky to have you. You might find you don't feel so graceful towards OW over time and that would be completely understandable and ok to, you don't have to understand and accept at the price of yourself. I'm sorry he turned out to be so far from the person you thought he was. I've been there, abuse not cheating and it can just smash you to realise this person you loved never really existed, because that person couldn't have done this. He's put you through so much and it might take a while to hit you as you said and I think taking a step back and just focusing on you and your LOs is a great idea. He doesn't deserve a moment of your time and you don't need to do anything right now. Deal with it when you're ready.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness thank you, I never imagined he would or could do this. He only told me because he had a call from the child maintenance service otherwise we would still be living a lie.

Do you honestly think that taking a swipe at someone who's been through so much is a decent thing to do? OPs world has been turned upside down, it's a lot to take in and it's a lot to trust to someone IRL. Reaching out on here for support and to process makes sense, why do you feel the need to be nasty to her?

I'll sound bitchy. But no. You new what you were doing. There is that chance. What makes it worse he doesn't recognise that child. That's his fault for cheating. Owen it. That child doesn't know anything.

@Ems2486 i agree 🥲

I think you should end it with him, and become friends with the other woman.

Well then he should have kept his penis in his pants. Selfish cunt.