Could you forgive ...

[chocmonster112]

Could you forgive your partner of 7 years of having a brief affair with someone and the other woman having his baby?
We have 3 children together, he doesn't want anything to do with the other child.

Wow OP - you sound like such an amazing woman 🤩

Kick the arsehole out. He sounds like my piece of rubbish ex-husband who has children he chooses not to see at all. Hopefully Karma will get him.

It doesn’t cause babies though - it causes a fetus. (Roe vs Wade etc?).
The woman then chooses whether she wishes to bring the pregnancy to term and all the implications of doing so for herself and the child. If she chooses to have a baby parented with this cheating scumbag that’s her right, though the emotional trauma she inflicts on the child will also be half her doing. Was she expecting this married man with his own family and three kids would make a great father?

Those poor ickle menz being forced against their will to have unprotected sex 🥲

He doesn't get to decide for the others. His mum has a grandchild. That child has a grandmother. Your children have a half-sibling. If any of them want these relationships (either now or down the line) then he doesn't get to prevent them.

I actually stated the man was careless and immoral. But anyway it’s semantics. They’re both scumbags - and one of them wants to bring a child into their mess and the other didn’t. So judging the man more harshly for, potentially, not showing up as a father doesn’t make sense to me. He’d simply be fulfilling his role (cheating scumbag, absent father) as planned and expected by the OW.

Well that's tough shit. He should've thought about that before he had, i'm guessing unprotected, sex with another woman.

I could possibly forgive an affair, depending on the circumstances. I'd struggle to forgive him creating another child and wanting nothing to do with them.

And she knew he was married with 3 kids did she?

I hate cheats and think anyone one knowingly sleeping with a married person is scummy but we don’t know the facts here to judge her do we?

And there’s a very simple solution for a man who wants sex but doesn’t want to create a life - he chose not to use a condom so there’s no justification for expect v the woman to have a termination and him walking away.

I don't think it's 'semantics' to conclude, based on little information, that the silly man accidentally made a baby with a scheming other woman who was trying to trap him. Even if this was the case, he could have quite easily avoided it by not fucking someone else

Absolutely not. Not only would I be LTB I would be shopping him to the CSA. What a POS.

Op I hope you have real life support. Do you think you may be in shock? At the moment your priority is you and your children.

If the OW knew he was married then she was daft or at best naive to fall for his lines. If she knew he was married then she was fully aware that he was a liar and prepared to ignore his wedding vows. Clearly the words he speaks publically to his wife, in front of friends and family (wedding vows) meant little to him. He has a but in his fidelity. She was privy to this information. So her situation is awful but she shouldn’t be surprised that a cheater is a liar who runs away from his responsibilities. She was 100% aware of him being okay to deceive his wife and kids so of course he’d lie to the lady he hides in the shadows (assuming he hadn’t said he was single and rented a flat etc to portray a single life). It’s a tale as old as time and she was foolish to fall for it.

So I wouldn’t waste energy on encouraging his relationship. You tried, move on. I think you should focus on you and your kids. Get counselling if possible with a decent counsellor who doesn’t mention unmet needs.

Then watch him carefully. His words and actions do not match. So keep your distance and protect your children. If in a year or two you feel able to facilitate your children meeting their half sibling then readdress it then.

His mum may also be in shock (people forget how infidelity affects more than just the betrayed). If she is normally a decent person then give her time. Maybe she is lying to him and will facilitate a relationship behind his back. But don’t trust a word that comes out of Cheaty mccheatersons mouth. If he says his mum isn’t seeing the child, take it with a pinch of salt. He’s a liar.

Being cheated on can cause a form of ptsd and your mental (and physical) health is priority as you have three kids to care for. Have you had full std screening?

A-hem… nope. And not because of the affair. I could forgive an affair. It’s the ’nothing to do with the other child’ bit. What if he might just decide that he wants nothing to do with your 3 children? As if he can pick and choose.

No I couldn't.

Sex creates babies. The solution to this 'dilemma' is entirely within the would-be fathers' hands. If they don't want to father babies then it is their responsibility to wear a condom.

Failure to assume that responsibility and the consequences of that failure are of their making. Not the devious woman who lied about contraception. Not the get out of jail free card that 'men think with their dicks'. Theirs.

People who refuse to assume their own responsibilities are of weak, cowardly character. And it's always other people - innocent children this 'man' has fathered with both women - who will suffer the emotional consequences of his sexual incontinence.

I could feel nothing for such a man but the most visceral revulsion. As I do for those who make every excuse in the book for terrible parenting on the part of men, for which they invariably foist the lion's share of the blame onto women.

Ugh.

id lose respect for any man that brings a child into this world and wants nothing to do with them. He created that second family so any respectful man would take it and accept his new responsibilities

Wtf do you mean by "he doesn't want anything to do with the other child?" Are you both delusional?

No.
I would have no reason.
Full stop.

Not with the information you've provided which is not much.
He has been an arse to you and now he's being an arse to someone else he's gotten pregnant.
He's already got 3 kids so you'd think he'd have some idea of the consequences of having sex with someone and what it means to have a child.

This is for you to decide and not anyone else but I think as a couple you would need a lot of counseling to explore everything because there is a lot going on there to get your head around. It's not a quick yes/no decision. It's one you have to live with in your head and in your life. I'm sorry this has happened to you and the best of luck getting through this mess not of your own making.

Nope nope nope. Couldn’t forgive the affair, couldn’t forgive him for not wanting to have anything to do with his own flesh and blood and if he did have contact with his child i still couldn’t be near him as the child(who is absolutely innocent in this) would be a constant reminder of the betrayal and hurt he had caused me and the kids

@anotherside if you were the rejected child in this scenario, I think you'd feel rather different. I am, and can quite believe the incredible callousness and cowardice that the OPs husband is showing. At least there is a chance some financial support may be forthcoming, something that my (rich) father never stepped up to either (long, long pre DNA and at a time when there was a societal stigma around being illegitimate)

@chocmonster112 thank you for giving thought to this baby at what must be a horrible time for you. You sound great and deserve much better than this man, as do all the children involved.

nope

and I'm very liberal! Compared to lots of other people on here. I think.

I couldn’t forgive either. I’m really tired of hearing so many stories about men who think it’s fine to have affairs and ditch their children, regardless of who they had the kids with.

from what he says, the child basically doesn't exist to him

Has he started on the "I don't know if it's my child" yet, and if he works (you didn't say) have the plans to go self employed begun, so he can avoid paying for any of them?

Maybe he shouldnt have been unfaithful then and had unprotected sex with someone else?

No I couldn't not wanting anything to do with the child is the attitude I would expect from a teenage lad shagabout. It's not the child's fault he's a prick.