Could you forgive ...

[chocmonster112]

Could you forgive your partner of 7 years of having a brief affair with someone and the other woman having his baby?
We have 3 children together, he doesn't want anything to do with the other child.

@chocmonster112 You sound like a magnificent mother for what it’s worth
so many men do walk out on children, even ones they’ve spent years raising. Fuck knows why. My dad did it to me at 19. obviously he may not change his tune.
whatever happens you guys will get the hang of it and your kids will be protected by having such a kind and decent mother. I think considering everything you’ve got going on it’s very early days indeed, I imagine slowly you will start feeling more emotions around it all.

@BlackShuck3 not at all! He said but I told her when she found out she was pregnant I wouldn't have anything to do with it (him)
Honestly it's like he's talking about a hamster, but if his mum ' respects his decision' to reject his own flesh and blood it's no wonder he is the way he is

His offer is framed as proof of his commitment to you, but really he's just letting himself off the hook.

@KurtShirty thank you so much, I know we will be fine, he's cheated once, that I know of and no doubt he will do it again, I won't be a doormat or let my kids think that sort of relationship is normal.

Wow he was in your life for 19 years then nothing, that's awful, how do some pile live with themselves

@BlackShuck3 yes exactly but I'd of respected him more for doing the right thing. Now 4 children are suffering

@chocmonster112

before he fucked her was the time to think about that, not when he has another woman's baby on the way.

& no, I wouldn't forgive him. I've learnt my lesson on that one! No kids involved thankfully. Just two years of self torture before I told him to leave.

@chocmonster112

Did she know he was married & had children?

Quite frankly, no. I wouldn't stay with him. I would work on having a good co parent relationship.

This is an excellent post.

i would also go as far to add I don’t think there is anything wrong in wanting to keep some light contact with OW for the sake of the children if dad doesn’t want to facilitate anything. You don’t have to be best buds or spend Xmas together. Just light contact alongside age appropriate info for the kids will allow them to grow up with no nasty surprises lurking, and opportunity to form relationships with each other if they wish to when they are older.

I think having a 5 month old yourself probably does make you see this differently than a lot of people but that is not a bad thing and I wish more people would consider the innocent children at the heart of these adult generated problems.

@chocmonster112 you're doing the right thing not letting him back. From every point of view.

im disgusted by him thinking he can dictate who his mother has a relationship with & his mother 'respecting his decision' instead of telling him it's not his decision.

you & OW might become friends & enable the children to have a relationship - apart from anything, the last thing you want is for them to end up in a relationship with each other when they get older. How old are your other two?

I could never forgive my husband for any sort of infidelity, whatever the length or circumstances. Even after 44 years of marriage, if I found out that he had ever been unfaithful, that would be the last night we would spend under the same roof.

I absolutely agree with you.

So what's the dilemma here? What are you asking for?

Is discarding a child forgivable? No. I don't think a vast majority (decent) people would think so.

You can't change him. You can only change how you deal with/engage with him.

Even IF he changed his view now I personally couldn't get over what he's done and his attitude to the situation.

I'd be planning a life beyond him for myself and my children with the assumption that a man who's prepared to bail on one child will be happy to do so to others.

What a disgusting piece of shit he is. No, I could never be with someone who lies and cheats and abandons his children because he doesn't want the responsibility or inconvenience.

I'd never forgive an affair, or a one night stand, or going to a strip/lapdance club etc.
Once my partner has lusted over, or touched another womans body, i could never stand to have him touch me again, or be able to look him in the eye. The trust would be gone for ever, and i couldn't forgive or forget. I'd do whatever i had to do, to leave him immediately.

I couldn't forgive him for abandoning a child, no. Christ, what's wrong with him?

No

I could not forgive either one. He's a monster not to want contact with his child.

You sound like a good woman. From reading your comments, I do think there's no going back for the marriage. He's a completely different person to you now, and the loss of respect is massive.

If I were you, I'd probably focus (other than on your new baby of course), on building and maintaining a positive relationship with the OW, you never know, you may both become good friends, and letting all of the siblings grow up openly having a sibling relationship with one another.

There's good that can come out of this with that.

As for the MIL, I'd likely let the OW know that MIL wants a relationship with the baby, see if she would be open to that, and if she is, then I'd tell the MIL that OW would welcome her having a relationship with her Grandson, that will hopefully make her think twice about following her son's instruction. Honestly, he's just awful, I'm so glad you're not taking him back.

You're doing really well, you're a great role model for your children, as well as your children's half-sibling.

I agree OP. In the midst of such an awful situation you have been nothing but grace and class.

No.

A no from me too, for all the reasons you have already articulated OP. He seems to mess around with the people in his life and expect them all to re-arrange themselves to make his life comfortable with no responsibility for his actions.

You and the kids are meant to pretend it never happened, the OW is supposed to disappear with her baby and his mother is to pretend she doesn’t have another grandchild out there. Unforgivable.

No

Yes, that's exactly what it shows. He uses people, including kids, and when he has no use for them he throws them away. If he finds somebody he wants to be with more than you, he'll toss both you and the kids aside to have her.

There's another aspect to this. The fact that he got her pregnant likely means he wasn't using condoms. He couldn't even be bothered to protect you from a possible STI.
He's pond scum. None of it is forgivable.

Nope. He made his bed, lay in it and hit another woman pregnant. To walk away from the responsibility of that child would bother me more than the child- but neither would be forgivable.

Jesus wept. Could I forgive any of that? Absolutely not.

What a creep.

Fathering a child and then wanting nothing to do with it.

Disgusting worm of a man.