Could you forgive ...

[chocmonster112]

Could you forgive your partner of 7 years of having a brief affair with someone and the other woman having his baby?
We have 3 children together, he doesn't want anything to do with the other child.

I think his mother is getting a hard time here. She wanted to do the right thing, but it seems as though if she went against his wishes and did it anyway, she'd lose her son. How many of is would risk that, even if they were behaving this way?

Saying that she respects his decision doesn't mean that she actually respects what he's doing. It's probably more that she had to 'respect' that he doesn't want her involved.

I think this gives a bit of a clue as to why he's such an entitled jerk. No-one has really told him his behaviour is unacceptable, which is why he thinks he can just treat people like dirt.

I don't think I could countenance this. Not just because of his behaviour to his child but because I don't think I could trust him to be there for you. What if you became ill or you both got into financial difficulties. I suspect he wouldn't be seen for dust.

I'm so sorry OP as you sound absolutely lovely. I wouldn't focus on the OW and the child for the moment. You need to focus on yourself and your children. It must have been a dreadful shock for you and you need to plan your own future.

@chocmonster112 I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You are right though to be thinking of what your partner's actions say about his commitment to his children. He can only love and accept the children of the woman he is with, and given the very precarious position he has put your family in, I'd be worried for my children if the relationship fails.

He's a nasty and cowardly man and I couldn't respect him for abandoning a child he made.

Not surprisingly, he's controlling too. He can ignore his children, but asking everyone else to do the same ☹️ - he's a grade A shit.

That’s at no.1 on my list of things I’m not forgiving.

Wow, he sounds so wonderful ( not)
He has unprotected sex , produces a child and then proceeds to tell everyone around him to fall into his mindset.
Id leave him kicked out in the gutter where he belongs.
You won’t get your head around this because your values are much different to his.
Be prepared for him moving in to yet another women quickly, as he surely will.

OP could you consider facilitating a relationship between the baby and your DC as they will be half-siblings, even if the father will have nothing to do with the baby? You sound like a lovely person.

He may not want a relationship with the other child (what a scumbag) but he will be financially responsible for him/her until they're 18. He's being a total ostrich if he thinks he can just turn away and life will go back to normal.

I'm sorry you are going through this - everything you had together must feel so fractured now. I could not forgive I'm afraid, either the affair or the emotional abandoning of the child.

Be kind to yourself - good luck.

You've missed my point entirely. As his mother, she has a right to weigh in. The fact that she's OP 's mother in law is irrelevant.

Oh - and get an STD test. Sorry 😔

I will echo other posters , op look after yourself, before worrying about the ow.

I certainly couldn't forgive any man for not wanting to have anything to do with a child he fathered.

No I couldn't forgive that a drunken one night stand with a random maybe, a whole relationship with another woman that resulted in a baby absolutely not.

could I forgive? Nope. Next question?

Well, perhaps he should have thought of that before fucking another woman?

No way could I forgive. He’d be out on his ear.

What a horrible situation, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Chances are your children will learn about their other sibling at some point, it’s not something you should keep from them. Especially with social media and ancestry tests, they could easily find out on their own and he will have to answer to them why he abandoned their half sibling.

Is he thinking that rejecting the new child is a way of potentially saving you and your family? I would be making it very clear that him doing that is pushing you further away.
I don’t envy you OP i’m sorry you’re going through this xx

No on both counts. And men who conceive children and then have nothing to do with their kids are the absolute lowest of the low.

A brief affair - possibly
rejecting a child - absolutely unforgivable

its irrelevant wether he wants two families, he created two families so has to do his part for all his children. Personally I wouldn’t stay with a man who abandoned and ignored a child, i have no time for dodgy morals

No. There's a remote possibility in certain circumstances I could 'forgive' an affair (although I doubt my forgiveness would extend to continuing in the relationship) but the carelessness and irresponsibility of causing a pregnancy coupled with the ensuing neglect and abdication of duty towards a child speaks so badly of a man's character, there would be no coming back. It wouldn't be up to me to forgive anyway as I couldn't do so on behalf of the child he had so badly wronged, but I would despise him.

Happened to a friend of mine when we were younger.
The couple had one child at the same time his OW gave birth. He had nothing to do with the child.
My friend stayed with him, and his behaviour escalated after a period of good grace when he played the doting husband. When he started cheating again and she had proof, she threw him out.
He married his next OW and during that marriage had two other children to two different OW. He has nothing to do with those children. When wife 2 found out, she threw him out. They had one daughter.
He is now getting married to much younger wife 3. He has started to have a relationship with the first child he had with the first OW, but the contact is very scant.
My friend took a while to get over it. Under his smooth veneer he wasn’t capable of fidelity.
She is now married again, and very happy and so glad she walked away. It is over two decades ago now.
It may sound strange but all of the women involved are very supportive of each other - the children all have close relationships with their half-siblings.
Apparently he’s told everyone he’s finally found the ‘one’ in his soon-to-be-bride. Which everyone else thinks is laughable.
The pain he has caused everyone involved is awful, but luckily every child is doing well and they have their mothers to thank for that.

Did she know that your husband was married with kids when they got together?

He might change his mind when the baby is born but I don’t think I could forgive this.

How long did the affair go on for?

Why weren’t they using contraception?

Was he having sex with both of you at the same time? It so, he was risking your health too.

Did he tell you about the affair before finding out she’s pregnant or only when he knew you’d find out due to the pregnancy?

@Othergirlswereneverquitelikethis the baby has been born, and is six months old.