Could you forgive ...

[chocmonster112]

Could you forgive your partner of 7 years of having a brief affair with someone and the other woman having his baby?
We have 3 children together, he doesn't want anything to do with the other child.

no but i couldn’t forgive him whether he had a relationship with the other child or not i wouldn’t forgive him either way…

What do you want to happen? That your husband goes off, prioritises OW, holds her hand when she gives birth, then hangs around with OW for months after? Seriously?

Absolutely not.

@RogueFemale the child has been born already, he is 6 months old, I don't know what I want him to do, I'm quite numb at the moment but I don't think an innocent child should have no dad because he couldn't keep it on his pants

In your shoes, I would prioritise my own children.

I can understand you feel numb in the situation.

As I said re the friend anecdote, I actually found it revolting that he was so pleased he'd got a woman pregnant. The woman was in turn pleased and went ahead with the pregnancy because my male friend is rich and can be pushed for money. His three existing children, far older, were horrified about it all, and dad not keeping it in his pants.

OP your are over thinking it.

This person only cares about himself- not about you or your children.

XXX

His mum asked if she could have a relationship with the child as she is the nan but he said no. I don't recognise this person at all.
He isn't living with us right now as I am trying to get my head around it all, not sure I ever will.
My children have a half sibling, that feels so weird.
Some men are truly unbelievable

Should have thought of that before he unzipped.

The mother in law weighing in... pff. None of her business at this stage, claiming 'nan' rights. She can contact the OW direct, anyway, since you two are in touch.

Anyway it sounds as if you've made a decision, @chocmonster112 , so good luck.

@RogueFemale he has told her she isn't allowed to have a relationship so she won't go to the mum, she respects his decision apparently

how Long have you both known about this op?

he sounds self-absorbed and really callous to be honest.

Single parenthood is so calm and beautiful in many ways, it’s not just the bad stuff you hear. Don’t let fear of being single or breaking up the family guide you. you need to catch your breath. It’s unforgivable not to give your children this information about their sibling at some point, at which point they will know what their dad has done. All of this is going to come out in the wash and he needs to deal with the consequences of that. Honestly everything has already irrevocably changed. You must be in shock. Just focus on self care and slowing everything down for a little bit

Then that's her problem. She can disobey her son very easily.

@KurtShirty I've known about 3/4 weeks. I also have a baby, 5 months old. So my baby and the ow's baby are only a month apart.
I really don't feel anything as of yet, I don't know if it's hormones or whatever but I don't feel angry, I just feel numb as if I'm
Looking in on someone else's life. I know I don't feel the same when I look at him. I've lost respect for him and his mum to be honest, with her saying she respects his decision to reject a poor innocent baby but maybe that's not really my business, I do feel something actually, embarrassment!

Your posts are weird. Why are you so against the OP thinking about an innocent baby who’s been brought into the world by her cheating husband who now wants nothing to do with it?

OP I wouldn’t be able to forgive either. The damage to all children is already done and there is only one man responsible.

No. It's his MOTHER who's weighing in, FFS.

And good for her. If she defies him, it might be that she can help support this woman. The baby might not have a father, but it could at least have the grandma it deserves.

Yes, OP's mother in law.

@Island2513 the baby hasn't done anything wrong is the way I see it, my partner had the responsibility towards me and our kids, I feel sorry for the baby. I'm maybe I'm not thinking straight but I don't even feel much towards the ow either, she wasn't in a relationship with me, he was.

Well he should have thought of that before he got someone pregnant. Plus would you really consider staying with someone who thought it was ok to have nothing to do with his child?

I hope the other woman takes him for everything she is entitled to, he can’t just “abandon” a child he created

So to answer your question it would be a no brainier for me, he would be out especially with that attitude

@saraclara she won't go against him! As for respecting his decision to have nothing to do with his own flesh and blood, makes her just as bad as him in my eyes

@Itisjustmyopinion I don't know what I feel and that's the worst part. I'm numb. I feel embarrassed and that's about it oh and sorry for the baby that's been rejected, probably coz I have a baby too, I don't have any respect for him, I look at him and feel like i don't even know him

Op you poor thing. I can’t imagine with hormones and a baby and 2 other kids- so so much on your plate. I suspect you are disassociating to protect yourself- if you were able to feel your feelings now it might make it more difficult to keep everything together.

I don’t know how you get past something like this, it’s contemptible for him to do it in the first place and then treat his child like that.. your instincts are healthy, you care about the baby. You’d have to somehow let go of your integrity in order to not just hate him for it over the long run. living like that is not good for anyone, especially your kids.

im sorry love, it’s bullshit this is happening

So what's his expectation here?

Does he think rejecting this child is more likely to make you forgive him?

If so, why?

I can only assume it's because he is also expecting you to collude in keeping this secret.

The problem is that it's 2024 and not 1924. With social media and "fun" genetic testing in the form of ancestry kits the chances that your children will find out eventually that they have a half sibling is highly probable.

They then face a prospect that both parents have collaborated to keep this information from them. Do you want his actions to rebound on you and your relationship with your children in this way?

Or they are told they have a half sibling their father has disowned and that even knowing this you stayed with him. Growing up knowing you are "discardable" (do it to one child you can do it to another) by your father and your mother still "backed" him is also a recipe for a dysfunctional parent/child relationship.

So whatever he wants he can't put the cat back in the bag (or the cock in its trousers).

He doesn't have to have 2 families but he does have 4 children.

So options that don't utterly fuck up your kids any more than the havoc he's already inflicted:

• you stay together but he takes responsibility for the baby and has joint residency. You would have to accept/agree to becoming this child's step parent and feel able to have a positive relationship with them (and forgive your partner).

• you separate but irrespective of what he wants you do not keep this information from your children (age appropriate). It's then up to him to facilitate contact with the child or deal with the fallout of being a Dad who dumps kids.

What I think you need to prepare for is that unless you take him back and agree to keep the child a secret is that he will leave anyway.

He clearly communicated he doesn't want 2 families.

Right now you and your children are his "first choice preference family".

But if you don't back his plan then you may well be relegated to "disposable family" as he moves forward with OW and the baby.

What would I do?

Tell him I'm thinking things over and need time to process. Act a be pathetic as if I'm not capable of doing anything...while making copies of all financial information (bank accounts/salary info/pensions etc), hiding key documents like passports/birth certificates and engaging a bloody good divorce lawyer.

Seize back control. Be clear I'm not keeping his child a secret from anyone, including your children.

Then expect him to turn nasty and run to OW but be totally prepared for that and glad that he's not your problem anymore.

@KurtShirty thank you for your kindness. I haven't even cried over it and I don't feel like I even could.
My kids are amazing and make me laugh and feel grateful everyday, I do feel a bit silly as I had no idea anything was going on, he's obviously very good at being deceitful. I don't think I'll let him back home as our relationship will never be the same and I wouldn't be able to have him touch me. As for the other child, maybe he will change his mind, it's not something he can just forget about, surely!

@BreadInCaptivity I told him when I found out that I didn't think him not having a relationship with his own child was right or the way to go about it, I will not keep his secret from our children, like you say, age appropriate, I'm not gonna be the bad guy in this situation, I've done nothing wrong,
I think he knows I won't see him the way I did previously, I would be able to have a good relationship with his other child but from what he says, the child basically doesn't exist to him. I don't think I can let him back home, you can't make a child and then relinquish all responsibility ( in my eyes) pregnancy is 100% preventable, you don't want a baby don't have sex!! You choose to have unprotected sex you're accepting responsibility for what may come!

Is he trying to pretend that abandoning the child is a painful sacrifice for him but he's willing to suffer it in order to save the relationship?