Did you meet your partner through an online dating agency?

[Aniles]

Hi

After being a single parent for years I now feel ready to take on the challenge of a relationship. The problem is that while I chose to be single I always seemed to be turning down offers but now I want to date I don't seem to meet anyone suitable. There's little chance of me meeting someone in my line of work, and most of my friends are all coupled off.

I've looked at some online dating sites but feel a bit strange about the whole thing. What if someone from work sees it and then broadcasts it on the notice board!!? I'd die of embarrassment! What heppens if I meet up with someone and we obviously don't like each other and it's really awkward, or worse still what if one of us is really keen and the other can't wait to get away? I think I'd be pretty rubbish at getting to know someone on-line. I hate chat rooms, feel too shy and can never keep up.

So, has anyone met Mr/Miss right this way? Or should I just accept that I'm going to be an old spinster? Please share your stories, good or bad :-)

If someone from work sees it, then they must have been looking too, so I doubt they would broadcast it to anyone
My husband works with a woman who has met her boyfriend on a dating site; he said she was so upfront about planning to do that, that it wasn't any big deal - maybe that might help?
Oh, and I don't think you should meet someone through a chat room, it might not be safe. At least with an online dating agency, they have some details about each person
Good luck - come back and tell us what happens

ooops! I have somehow posted this twice. I think eveyone should ignore this one so it goes away )

original thread here

Aniles - As a single mum, I understand and sympathise completely with how hard it is to meet available/desirable men. I never know which online dating sites are the "good" ones. Also feel apprehensive about the "nutter" factor. Seems that so many people can/do misrepresent themselves (even in real life), and the ability to invent a false persona is even easier online. I feel protective of my own emotional well being (don't want to be messed about), but also feel apprehensive about exposing dd to some cyber world person - though obviously they'd only meet her FAR down the line.

I read the media stories of people who decide to aggressively commit to meeting someone (rather than leave it to chance), and sign up for dating agencies, speed dating, singles events, personal ads in newspapers, etc. They all write about the need to perservere and that you must "kiss lots of frogs before you meet your prince". I think it must be depressing to have dozens of dates with no real prospects - and practically how to manage childcare for that many nights out? I think I'm doing great to have one night out a week!

I started a thread here a few months back asking how people had met their partners - thinking it might offer some good ideas. By far, most met at work or at school. A few met through friends, or at pubs/parties. I've continued to consider how to approach this, and so far have done nothing....other than wonder/complain! Suppose I keep hoping I won't have to "resort" to something so calculated, but clearly my current method isn't working at all. Let me know if you decide to take the plunge......and good luck.

Hmmm.....here's an excerpt from an article I just stumbled across....from today's Telegraph....sorry can't do links!
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Alone and never married, more men than women are living the single life
By Julie Henry and Karyn Miller
(Filed: 07/11/2004)

Move over, Bridget Jones, 30-something singletons are much more likely to be men than women. New research from Edinburgh University on the growing phenomenon of solo living has revealed that between the ages of 25 and 44, almost 20 per cent of men live alone, compared to just six per cent of women.

Unlike their female counterparts, the vast majority of them have never been married.

The findings suggest that the media has missed a trick with its portrayal of single women as pioneers of the no-ties life with characters such as Bridget Jones and Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City. Another Jones film, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, opens in Britain this week.

Adam Smith, one of the authors of the report from the university's centre for research on families and relationships, said: "We already know that solo living is on the increase and are used to the idea of it being young women. In reality, it is men who are making up most of the single households."

The reasons for the trend are not clear, according to the researchers. One suggestion is that while Bridget Jones was desperate to find a husband, today's solo-living men are afraid of commitment.

"We don't know if living alone is through choice or necessity," said Mr Smith. "Many of these men have never married and could be examples of men avoiding commitment. It could also be a reflection of the demands of careers which take up more and more time and necessitate flexibility."
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The article goes on, but you get the idea. Wonder where all these men are, and how we could meet some of them?

I met dh online, but it was via a messageboard & chat room for a band we both like rather than a specific dating service...neither of us was particularly looking for a new partner (I was recently widowed & he was emerging from a disastrous relationship).

It worked for us - we both turned up to the same meet-ups before gigs, became mates & then quietly got to know each other a little better away from our mutual online friends!

TBH Aniles I think it works best if you find a site dedicated to an interest, rather than a straightforward dating site? My experience was that it's no different from meeting people in real life - Mr Right turns up just when he's the last thing on your mind. & I'd already met quite a network of people who shared my interest in a particular band b4 dh turned up, so I was fairly confident re: chatrooms, meet-ups etc.

I'd start by googling whatever you're interested in - be it a hobby or whatever - & setting up a msn passport so if you encounter anyone interesting, you can chat to them 1-2-1 - & think of it as a 'meeting new friends' thing rather than a 'dating' arrangement...of course if you don't pull anyone by doing that, you could always 'cut to the chase' with a dating site, but at least you'd then be more confident about chatting to people online?

Hi

Well this thread seems to have overtaken the other one so I'll answer here

Tillykins, I know what you mean about 'if they see you on a site they must be looking themselves' but I can't help imagining a group of colleagues looking on a site during a drunken get-together for laugh

Earlybird, you seem to understand exactly where I'm coming from. Even if I did pluck up the courage to join a dating site I'd be hard pushed to find the time/babysitters to weed out lots of wrong men before finding the right one.

Carrie, your method sounds interesting but I've not really got an interest that could lead to meeting up with people through a chat room. It sounds like fate had a part to play in your case

I appreciate all your responses and thankyou Tammybear and MarsLady for sharing your success stories, at least I know there is hope!

I've spent some more time looking at dating sites but can't imagine that I'll be able to get over my fears and embarrassment at the moment. I think I'll wait til I'm feeling more desperate, or drunk!

Aniles - a friend of my Dh's meet thru a dating agency and they are now happily married, have been together about 5 yrs, also another friend (who is gay, altho that makes no difference) meet his partner on a gay chatline (phone) and they have been together about 6 yrs.

Good luck

I'd like to hear about which dating agencies people have used and liked, and which ones we should avoid. Personal advice will probably be the only way I'll ever move from thinking/talking about this to actually doing something about it! Suggestions anyone?

Aniles, like you I was single mainly by choice for the last few years was put off by the difficulties of it all post-kids. I too don't have many baby-sitting options and wasn't sure I wanted it enough to try all angles and keep psyching myself up for dates only to be disappointed or let down.

Anyway a friend persuaded me to have a look at the friends reunited dating site - you go to friends reunited and just click on the 'dating' tab. I just thought I'd have a quick look and entered my criteria and loads of men turned up. I decided to give it a go and paid for 3 months (only about £20 I think) and I took the plunge and contacted one that seemed really nice. We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now and I really think he's someone special although obviously it's very early days.

So it can work and I was the most dubious before. I wouldn't keep going on loads of dates so I was lucky it was the first one that caught my eye. A few others contacted me and they seemed nice too but I think I picked the best!

There are wierdos on there but you can usually spot them. I don't do the messanger on-line thing because I'm in front of a PC all day so can't be bothered in the evening when most people seem to be on-line. We exchanged e-mails - quite sweet, old-fashioned ones and then eventually spoke on the phone for a long time before meeting. You can't really tell til you meet up if there's going to be a spark but at least if you e-mail ad chat you can tell if they're a nice person and that you have something to talk about so you won't need to escape after 10 mins!!

I was totally up front about going on there and where we met with friends and colleagues and no one laughed. I think it's viewed as pretty acceptable these days. You have a nickname on friends reunited dating anyway so if you didn't put your photo on no one would know it was you anyway.

I know several people who have met their Mr/Miss Right on-line and it definitely can work out.

My 'new man' lives quite near me but our paths would probably never have crossed otherwise.

Good luck and go for it girl!!

Hi Aniles - I met dh through Dating Direct which I used on and off for a couple of years, As tillykins says, if someone from work sees it then they must have also been looking. In fact, I went on a Christmas lunch with some ex-colleagues a couple of years ago and one of the men came up to me and said that I had emailed him via the site and he had replied making some excuse why he didn't think we were suited (not letting on who he was! We had a good laugh about it as we were obviously in the same boat and didn't want to make it public - the funny thing is, I don't find him in the least bit attractive! Anyway, I would highly recommend it as dh is wonderful, we're perfectly suited and there is no way I would have met him if it weren't for the site. Good luck

Have just read other posts and would like to reassure you and Earlybird re the nutters. Yes, they are out there and I met a couple of them (not nutters as such but just not quite what theyy made themselves out to be). Speaking from experience, I would spend a longish time emailing first without giving them a way to contact you, and once you feel completely comfortable, then speak on the phone (give a mobile, no. or insist you call them and withhold your own number). If after a few telephone conversations you then decide to meet, arrange to meet for lunch in a busy restaurant - it is then very public and also you don't need to stay long if you don't hit it off. Also, I think it helps when posting your details on the site to be very upfront about what you are looking for. After being contacted by people who were very obviously only looking for something casual, I changed to state that I was looking for a serious relationship - you should then hopefully only attract men who are also serious.

like i said on the other thread its best to take someone with you if you meet up just in case you want to make a quick exit! like bonym said its best to have a long time getting to know them. me and dp emailed for just under a year before we met each other. and with exp well i met him after a couple of months and like i said he had lied to me about who he was so i didnt see through it til he had moved in with me and was a completely different person Ive also had a couple of other odd dates from guys off the Internet. One of them I was so sure he was gay, until he asked me back to his place and then I ran for the hills, and the other seemed really nice, but in person, he just wouldnt shut up! lol. But rest assure that there are nice people on there, you just have to find them. Good luck and keep us posted

I met my dh through match.com. I had just returned from living abroad and a pal and I were messing about one day and registered for a laugh. I had no idea you had to pay etc etc so did not take it any further thn registering. But I got lots of emails. So I thought why not meet a few and see what happens, nothing to loose if you are careful and meet during the day and let friends know where you are going. Then the second guy I met ended up being my dh now. Have a look at some sites and see what you think.

Hi Aniles, I met my dh via an online dating thingy - but can't remember the name. He's quite embarrassed about it and doesn't like to talk about it (makes the 'where did you 2 meet' question quite awkard) but I say give it a go! It's quite a brave thing to do but can be fun if you approach it in the right frame of mind. The whole point is that you can look at other people's details (quite often they have a photo too) and if you don'l like the sound of them don't do anything about it. If someone contacts you, you should be given a reject/not interested option if you don't want to respond. Just follow the basic common sense rules if you do arrange to meet anyone - I used to get a friend come and rescue me after 1 hour and never went out in the evening on a first date! Having said taht I did with DH cos I felt that he was something special as soon as we started e-mailing!! We got engaged about 6 weeks after we actually met - still going strong 5 years and 1 dd later!

Earlybird, not really on topic, but I can answer where all these single men are and how to meet them - in the City they are all around but the real question is not how to meet them but how to meet the ones that you have something in common with and who really like women! If you go out in bars, you tend to meet a lot of very average types so it is like looking for a needle in a haystack. However, if you make an effort to do all the social activities and join clubs for your particular interests, then you meet far fewer but "higher quality" men. Whenever you meet someone whom you might be interested in, you have to get his phone number or email and then invite him to join you at some social outing. Many of these men are working very hard and unless you ask, you will not hear from them again, including men who would like to see you again but are inhibited about making the first move. I invite three times and if he does not take up the invitation then I stop. Quite often very nice men with lots of interests, whom you can imagine having lots of fun with, rule themselves out because they are just working too hard and not actually participating in their interests (or they are too scared as your article says and don't want to consider a flirtation). I have not got a relationship yet, but I have had far more "high quality" dates recently through this and remain very cynical about agencies. When you broaden your social life you will also make new female friends who then introduce you to their friends. You also have to be bold about telling friends and acquaintances that you are open minded about meeting someone, in a light hearted way, because otherwise they feel awkward about suggesting dates to you in case they insult you.

Hi Aniles, I met my DH by placing a personal ad in a magazine - a what's on guide, my home city's version of 'Time Out'. This is a good few years ago now and online dating hadn't got going as far as I know. I was AMAZED to find someone educated, successful, incredibly good-looking and charming through this route - I'd placed the ad on a whim when feeling frustrated at the quality of men I was meeting, and he was new to the area and hadn't yet built up a circle of friends.

I'd highly recommend being proactive and taking things into your own hands in this way - you have nothing to lose and are definitely upping your chances of meeting Mr Right - it's a numbers game after all!

Make the first date something really brief like an after-work drink - make it clear that it's just a quick meet-up. Then if you get on you can arrange dinner or whatever another time - and if you don't like the guy you have the perfect excuse to escape.

GOOD LUCK.

TurnAgainCat - Lots of good suggestions that will lead to some serious thinking on my part. Thanks for taking the time to write such a thoughtful post.

i met my partner on a chat room, i had given up on finding mr rite and decided to stay single and have fun with my mates.i chatted to my partner and we hit it off straight away,we sent a couple of emails and exchanged pictures then took the plunge and spoke on the phone, we met 4 days later ans i have not looked back since. we have been together for a while now and are planning to expand our family. Before we met i thought that the internet was not the rite way to meet mr rite but noe i would not be without him. Go for it what have you got to lose.

Oh my goodness! I've just bitten the bullet and contacted semeone through a dating site. I feel all nervous and shy now!

Oh dear I have a couple of problems.

Well, I've had no reply from the man I contacted (that's not a problem) but I've had quite a few men say they're interested in me. I've only had a few emails but nearly 20 men have forwarded their profiles to me or 'winked' at me (that means they've clicked on a button to say that they're interested). My first problem is that I can't bring myself to say I'm not interested. I don't think it would be polite to ignore them but what do I say that won't offend anyone? I don't think I'm cut out for this afterall!

My second problem is that after doing a search for men in my area someone I know came on screen . I don't exactly 'know' him but I see him at work and people at work could easily find out from him that I'm on there. Oh sh*t what if he's done a search and I came up??? I work at a school and if anyone found out it would spread like wild fire not only around the staff but the parents too. I can just imagine my profile being pinned in the staff notice board tomorrow! Oh the shame!!

What do you suggest? Shall I just cancel my profile and give up? At least I can say I tried

oh Aniles. dont worry about it, hes on there for a reason too, so he would have to admit he's been on there searching to find you on there. theres no shame on being on one of them, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. not too sure about the guys you're not interested in though. maybe just ignore them and if they keep pestering you then tell them you're not interested lol. cowards way out, but thats what i would do

I met my Dh through an internet dating agency. we started talking in October 2002, met in Nov 2002 and i moved from devon to leicester in Feb 2003 and we got married in Oct 2003. Are happy and have no regrets!
I too was a single parent and signed up to the agencies with no real expectations! my dh was the first person i spoke to! He had a few dates before meeting me!

I recommend it and just go into it with a light heart and see what happens. Talk to the men for a while before meeting and make sure you keep yourself safe!

Thanky you to tammybear for your reply and to bonkerz for your positive story. I've decided to take my picture off the site though which means I'm now getting much fewer responses. The only 2 men I'm actually interested in have not been on the site within the last 3 weeks and I've had no response from them(
I'm a bit confused as to why I've had so much repose from men who live upto 100 miles away or more, and even some in America, even though I have said I want a serious relationship. Does anyone actually form relationships with poeple who are so far away?

That grin was supposed to be