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Original poster

Do people really just stop seeing their friends for x,y,z?

18 replies

FlameBatfink · 04/09/2007 17:39

So many times on here I seem to see people saying "Oh she's not worth it, ditch her" - the wedding outfit thread, the holiday swap, sooo many others over time.

Do you all really do that? I have good phases and bad phases with friendships, things I like, things I can't stand - I take the rough with smooth, not end it because something happens to piss me off

I'm trying to work out how much I'm in the minority here!

OP posts:

Niecie · 05/09/2007 11:05

Does seem a bit much telling people to ditch a friend sometimes but it may be a matter of phrasing. Maybe people should be saying back off and cool down for a bit. Depends how long the problem has been going on for and whether any attempt has been made to put things right.

Maybe in the case of the wedding outfit for example, I would have said back off and don't put yourself out to see the bride again. Wouldn't go as far as crossing her off the Christmas cards list but I would naturally be more wary of seeing her again and I probably wouldn't make the first approach to meet up again either. The way would still be open to meet up in time and you haven't burnt your bridges by having some huge row.

I think in the case of the holiday swap it is a question of poor communication about what is expected on both sides and no they shouldn't stop being friends as a result.

But in the course of your life friendships do ebb and flow and you have different friendships for different stages. Sometimes you outgrow them and these big blow-ups and falling outs are a result of people who no longer have anything in common and have drifted apart and maybe should just let the friendship come to a natural end.

But you are right - sometimes it is all a bit extreme.

haychee · 05/09/2007 11:21

No friends are precious (?sp) / special. Even if they annoy me or get on my wick, i wouldnt just "ditch" a friend for most reasons. There is obviously the chance that we could have a major falling out but it would have to be something really terrible.

I have a few disagreements with one particular friend, but i try not to let affect our underlying friendship.

expatinscotland · 05/09/2007 11:25

Depends on what you call a friend. The holiday swap thing, I thought maybe they weren't suited to swapping is all.

Didn't realise others said to ditch her.

But some of these threads, well, I'd say ditch 'em because their actions were so bad, it didn't really constitute a friendship.

You know, dating your pal's ex when he has kids with her and you know it was a bad and painful breakup. Taht's not really what I'd call a friend.

TheArmadillo · 05/09/2007 11:27

Sometimes it resonates with you personally - if you have had a friend like that, and you know further trouble that was caused for you you may think ditching them now is a good idea.

On the other hand, if you have only had very good friends and can't see how anyone calling themselves a friend can behave like that (from your personal experience) then you also might think ditching them is good idea.

Hurlyburly · 05/09/2007 11:31

Yes I have ditched a friend (only one) deliberately. It's because she kept on being such a pain. Was not my friend as such but the DW of one of DH's buddies. She was a total pain in the arse. Drama queen, fits, hysterics, shrieking all over the place, behaved badly like a toddler ALL the time. She honestly only could see anything in relation to herself. There came a point when I couldn't grit my teeth any longer. Sorry.

Niecie · 05/09/2007 11:33

I still think actively ditching them is a bit harsh for one falling out. Maybe if your best friend had run off with your husband or something unforgivable you could justify a 'ditch' but a one off upsetting remark doesn't warrant that.

Biglips · 05/09/2007 11:34

i ditched my best friend this year after 20 years together cos she had gone all funny with me for no reason. She emailed to me and said that i didnt bother with her when she was pg from her first child (she fell pg at 16 an im 8 months older than her) and i was too busy partying to bother with her!!. me = and my mum .

i emailed back and told her thats a lie as it was me who did all the running around and ive been to all her houses (as she moved about 4 times) and not once she came to see me which i didnt mind cos i thought she got kids - even though she got a car!. As soon i say Come to my house..i dont hear from her for months on end. She said to me that she hadnt got the time to make an effort with her mates and it was up to me to stay friends with her so i thought Oh get lost then as youre not worth it!!

it still upsets me though but ive gotta carry on as ive got better friends than her!.

TheArmadillo · 05/09/2007 11:35

Look at it like this - regarding dress situation.

Poster A - had friend who made similar comment in public. This came with the growing realisation that this friend constantly undermined their low self-esteem. Although they had had good times, the poster was becoming aware that their friendship was damaging to both of them. Ending the friendship was a very positive thing for them.
They advise to ditch the friend.

POster B - had friend who made similar comment in public. This was a one off by a person at a low point in their friendship. After talking about it the friendship was repaired and is now fine.
They advise communication.

Same situation but own experiences colour how you would see the situation resolving.

Niecie · 05/09/2007 11:35

What does 'ditch' mean anyway? Actively telling them to get stuffed, ignoring them in the street and never speaking to them again or just not giving the relationship any attention at all?

Biglips · 05/09/2007 11:36

oh and ive ditched another friend this year too cos she gets so paranoid in pubs when drunk strangers bumped into her by accident..she kick off and its a fight then i was getting my head literally kicked in!! i thought for gods sake im 32 not 15!!! (she is the same age as me)

TheArmadillo · 05/09/2007 11:37

Can mean any of those things imo.

choosyfloosy · 05/09/2007 11:38

A lot of the time when people post on here, they appear to be either mulling over ending the friendship themselves, or they are only posting because years of taking the rough with the smooth have built up a healthy head of resentment steam, which is about to blow off.

I don't ditch friends exactly but I'm bad at keeping in touch - some of my closest, oldest friends I am lucky if I contact more than a couple of times a year, and yet they are essential to me. It would take a long time before it was obvious that I had actually ditched somebody tbh.

Original poster

FlameBatfink · 06/09/2007 07:47

Completely forgot I started this thread

Thank you for all the replies! I can see what you mean with the different experiences with friends making you give different advice. for your friend Biglips!

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 06/09/2007 08:10

I have been ditched and i have ditched friends its just the way it goes sometimes, we grow up, grow apart, have different values/ priorties i try my best to keep my friendships strong but sometimes it doesnt work out.

The friend i ditched i had known since i was 12 (ditched him when i was about 22ish) he had got old and bitter as he grew older (he was about 6yrs older than me) he was shit stirring between our mutual friends and tried to get my sisters boyfriend in trouble at work by saying he wanted to leave etc it actually backfired and his friend got a pay rise iirc he had also become dull and we didnt have much in common anymore he also had bo if im totally honest (yes he knew we had all told him, we had all been telling him for a long time about everything else as well and was warned he would lose the group as a whole if he didnt sort himself out - he chose not to so i chose not to be his friend anymore)

The friend that ditched me - i honestly have no idea what i did or didnt do she ditched the group as a whole when i was pg with my 2nd dd when she met her dp so i think she just moved on, i was and still am a little bit gutted because we were such close friends she literally spent everyday with me for about 2 yrs, we were very close, we drifted a bit when she met this chap and i was busy with work and tired in the first few mths being pg before i knew it we had lost touch then i went round and tried to sort it out she said she would come and visit and meet new baby - she didnt ever come, she txt to say her life had moved on.

These things happen.

ProfYaffle · 06/09/2007 08:19

I've been ditcher and ditchee. Infact I've ditched a number of friends over the years but always as a result of a slow realisation that they're not really friends for one reason or another followed by a trigger event which acted as the last straw. Oh, and then there was the one who shagged my xdp ditched pretty fast.

The one time I've been ditched was really hurtful and I've still no idea why.

Original poster

FlameBatfink · 06/09/2007 08:27

I'm someone who is a no idea why too - although have recently been speaking to old friends and it is starting to seem that the ditcher isn't quite balanced, so there may not be any actual reason for it after all

@ the DP shagging - that is a perfect reason for ditching asap!!!

OP posts:

Pruners · 06/09/2007 08:35

Message withdrawn

phdlife · 06/09/2007 08:37

I haven't "ditched" in any active sense, but there are a few times I've come to a fairly abrupt realisation that life is too short to spend it with this or that person when they are clearly not interested in me - eg. one girl who we invited out lots, stayed over at our place so often she had a toothbrush here, then when I moved to take a job near her she "didn't want to be responsible for me". In a year she invited me out exactly once. Although we'd bought graduation, birthday, and house-warming presents she never once returned the effort - at which point I had to ask myself why I bothered!

If she comes to town and rings I'll go have a coffee with her but other than that - pfeh! tbh though I'd known we had little in common for a long time, was mainly sticking with it for dp's sake.

Flip