Subject: Math Teacher Arrested
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered to be a public school teacher -
was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a
calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft disclosed that he believes the man
to be a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft declared. "They seek average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have
determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates
in every country."
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle," Ashcroft
said.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush stated, "If God had wanted us to have
better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified
that our government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs,
who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on
every sphere of influence," the President asserted, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must
differentiate their root, make our
point,
and draw the line."
President Bush warned,
"These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a
scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in
random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft concluded,
"As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is certain of: though they
continue to multiply, their days are numbered as our hypotenoose tightens."