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Original poster

I shouted at my friends son yesterday

22 replies

Radley · 03/06/2006 11:25

I shouted at a friends son yesterday,although it is none of my business I couldn't help myself.

He is 12 and had been teasing his 2 1/2 years old sister to the point of tears for a good 15 minutes, hiding her sweets etc, so she got ahold of his finger and bit it (I know its wrong but she didn't draw blood).

In the next instance, he literally attacked her, he was hitting her all over the face, neck and head as hard as he could (My friend was in the kitchen and didn't see this)

I lost it and said he should NEVER hit any of his siblings like this and if she bit him, he should have asked him mam to sort it out, and how he just hit his sister, classified as assault, whilst he was hitting her he called here a t*t, bitch, ct, f**er and other names, i was so angry I was shaking.

I did apologise to his mum for shouting at him, but she was fine and said that I did right as she wasn't there to see what went on.

I was shaking with anger and had to come home.

What would you have done in the circumstances?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 03/06/2006 11:30

I would have shouted at him. And possibly dragged him off for good measure.

Assuming he has no SNs - would have got his mum to deal with it or removed the girl if that were the case.

Original poster

Radley · 03/06/2006 11:31

He has no special needs, but, I couldn't drag him off her as I was winding her newborn at the time.

OP posts:

TinyGang · 03/06/2006 11:32

The same probably although possibly I would be mute with shock at such an outburst and appalling language.

I admit I don't have any experience (yet) of 12 yr old boys, but I would be seriously unhappy if I was his mother

TinyGang · 03/06/2006 11:33

Not unhappy with you, I mean, for saying something, but with him.

SoupDragon · 03/06/2006 11:33

Even his mum says you were right - I guess she knows what he can be like.

macwoozy · 03/06/2006 11:37

In these circumstances I would have done exactly the same, it's shocking that a 12 yr old can attack his 2 yr old sister like that.

Original poster

Radley · 03/06/2006 11:38

I have NEVER met another child like him, he sits on his playstation all day, even in this gorgeous weather, refuses to go to school, goes to bed in the early hours of the morning and doesn't get up till early afternoon, disappears when he knows he has appointments with school etc.

OP posts:

ghosty · 03/06/2006 11:43

Radley that is shocking and very very sad ... he is 12? That is tantamount to physical abuse to that poor toddler IMHO

My DS is 6 and when he is angry with DD I can see him try so hard to control what he wants to do (which is kick her back if she has kicked him or whatever) ... he manages it too ... he walks away and I deal with whatever DD has done (say sorry, naughty chair, whatever).

LadyTophamHatt · 03/06/2006 11:51

I'm not surprised to shouted at him radley, I would have gone balistic at him.

Poor little girl.

I think would have made him leave the house TBH.

Original poster

Radley · 03/06/2006 12:31

She has cried many times saying she doesn't know what to do with him, I do know that his step dad used to knock ten bells out of him ages ago and that is one of the reasons my mate split up with him.

He seems to enjoy being shouted at as silly as it seems, he was deliberately swearing yesterday , constantly saying f**k and when my friend told him to stop it, or I asked him not to swear in front of my children, he laughed.

I have finally said that, if his behaviour does not improve that I will no longer go to his house, but, let his mum and sisters come here as much as they like, but will lock the gate and door and ban him from coming in my house, I don't want to, but I don't want him round my children when he is like this, unfortuately, I can see some of his traits in his 7 year old sister.

Some days, I can go and have a coffee with her and he is as quiet as a mouse and really really pleasant.

OP posts:

jalopy · 03/06/2006 20:47

I don't think his behaviour is acceptable at all but looking at the few facts your've mentioned it's hardly surprising that his home life is troubled. Forgive me for saying this but where is his dad? His poor mum must have her hands full with three other children, one of which is a newborn. With a history of a violent step dad, the 12 yr old has so far had a lot to deal with. The whole family needs support especially the 12 yr old. He clearly needs attention and professional help. I think people should lay off blaming him and give him the support he obviously needs.

jollymum · 03/06/2006 20:58

It's not acceptable for him to kick etc at little one but OMG I feel so hurt for him. He's 12, that's a big hormone surge time for boys, and they have no control over their feelings. Mine is now 13 and has just, only just learnt that he needs to modify his behaviour/language etc in front of his siblings and others. He has a newborn sibling, how the hell does he feel and how is his relationship with his mum/father..figure? Presumably his father/stepfather are no longer around? Where's his male outlet/ hormone outlet? The swearing etc is a bravado thing-he needs to be a little kid and is busting out to be a teenager. Social Services might help, with talks, strategies etc or perhaps his mum knows someone male adult that could helphim out? I think you did right to tell him off, he probably knows he's out of line and pretends he doesn't care (whatever!) but he does, he really does.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 03/06/2006 21:26

totally agree with jalopy. can you persuade your friend to get some help? start with school? gp for a preferal for counselling/pyschiatriast? social services? hwo about starting with a charity helpline, if she doesn;t know where to start? hate to sound like a doom-sayer, but she needs to act on this now. If this is allowed to carry on unchecked I dread to think where he'll be by the time he's 16.

Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 03/06/2006 21:43

What's he like at school? They might be able to refer to someone useful if there are problems there. The family sound like they need some help, and he needs help with his anger.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 03/06/2006 22:23

preferal??? I meant referal.

Original poster

Radley · 04/06/2006 11:03

From what i can make out, when he is at school, he shouts, swears, is cheeky to teachers etc, never does homework and if he feels like it, he will just get up and go home.

OP posts:

sparklemagic · 04/06/2006 11:16

he sounds like a lad who is badly in need of some good parenting. I don't mean to be rude about your friend - it's more about the situation she and her ds are in. She has obviously split from his dad and one other step-dad at least (who used to physically abuse the boy). From your posts it seems she has her ds, a 7 year old a 2 year old and a newborn - so I take it that as well as being one of four children, he also has a new (ish?) step-dad in his life......

tbh this is an awful lot of disruption in his life, and some trauma...he cannot be expected to come out of this unscathed.

I really think your friend could benefit from a parenting course which would give her strategies as to how to deal with his bad behaviour, how to be positive with him and of course how to find some time to give him some one to one attention. Maybe your friend might be a candidate for sure start help, family aide or 'family champion'; and maybe she could ask the school to give him some positive input like a mentor.

He is so obviously struggling, the poor lad.

edam · 04/06/2006 11:58

Do you think it's too trite to put it down to him having witnessed his step-father's behaviour and thinking that's what men do? I agree with the others, sounds like your friend needs some professional help. Could school refer him on to ed psychologist?

edam · 04/06/2006 12:01

Btw, I'd have shouted at him too, you did exactly the right thing in stepping in to protect the toddler and making it clear that his behaviour was wrong.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 04/06/2006 12:38

edam - no I don;t think it's too trite. Yes there are lots of layers of complexity etc etc, but the bottom line is that one of this kid's male role models has behaved towards him in the manner he behaved to this toddler. and like SM says he's had a lot of disruption in his life. they need help as a family, and they need stability. Like I said before, the boy in particular needs it before he goes way off the rails.

cherryberry · 05/06/2006 12:17

If she doesnt change her attitude and parent that child properly then it's her fault he is the way he is and he'll just get worse as he gets older.He needs to learn respect for people.He should not be on the playstation all day and staying up all hours,poor little boy.He is seriously neglected and isolated.It's no wonder he behaves as he does.His mother needs a good shaking.

joelalie · 05/06/2006 12:43

You did the best thing in the circumstances. Not surprising that you snapped after seeing that. But I agree with the others that he needs some help. As does his mother. If he likes being shouted at it makes you wonder if he ever gets any positive attention so tries to attract any attention at all - being shouted at is better than being ignored? 3 other smaller siblings (it was 3 wasn't it?) must take up a lot of his mothers time and affection. And I do think that witnessing a bullying adult has to have an impact on a child's development.

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