A new set of rules to live by

[RonitZilkha]

In order to preserve my sanity, I am compiling a reverse set of rules to live by

so far
Rule Number One
Wherever possible, if using something, for example out of the fridge or cupboard,like milk,one must NEVER return the said item to the place it was found. The best thing is to leave item out on the worktop and also ensure lots of mess is left in surrounding area.

Rule Number Two
If in doubt,take the blame early on in an argument.Most things are your fault.

Any ideas as to further essential REVERSE rules to live by.

Rule Number Three

If you are cooking it is important to use every pan, dish and spoon in the house and leave them on the side until the gunk dries into the worktop and takes effort to remove

Rule 4

If you need to be out of the house with the kids by 2pm, start to get them ready at 1.55pm. Then you must act surprised that you end up being late.

Never bother to take the rubbish out as someone else will do it.

Socks are essential decorative items to leave around the house

Likewise shoes

dress how your teenagers do, respond to your teenagers as they do

when coming home from a trip out with baby and toddler, try to ensure the baby is hungry, so that they will be screaming at a level of intensity that should not be physically possible for one so small. This will have the valuable, knock-on effect of making you feel rushed - this in turn means you try to carry everything at once (changing bag, child's coat, hat, teddy, your handbag, vomit soaked muslin square and not forgetting house keys) so that when your toddler makes a dash for the road, you are unbelievably laden down and stressed.

And that's how to get in the door with the maximum amount of stress, simple when you know how, eh?

Always, always leave the washing in the machine for as long as possible after the cycle has finished. Preferably overnight so that maximum creasing and musty smelling-ness can be achieved.

Do not fold damp washing fromn the line. Screw it up and stuff in laundry basket and leave until mould spots appear. When this effect has been acheived, seal by ironing or simply repeat the whole cycle without ever wearing the clothes.

Never pee in the bowl, always either on the seat, lid or floor.

Spray as much toothpaste over bathroom mirror as possible.

Place damp towel on bed - not your side though!

Leave milk on side along with butter until warm/melted/off.

Decide to bake a cake when the kitchen is already a bombsite and you have a very long list of other things to do and an afternoon engagement later the same day...

Never recycle the empty milk carton, always return to the fridge

NEVER fill up your car with petrol when you are alone. ALWAYS take your baby, and ensure that they drop off to sleep just as you find that the 'pay at pump' facility is buggered. Try to ensure you wake them up as you take them pointlessly in to pay for petrol and out again, so that they will go purple screaming in the car on the journey.

Always take your tantrumy toddler food shopping. You always perform better at shopping when doing it at four minute mile pace.

Develop ingrained waking up time up 5.30am even when your child sleeps on. Combine this with inability to drop off to sleep before midnight, and you are onto a winner!

I love this thread! This thread is my LIFE!

never return mugs of old tea to kitchen but leave in study/bedroom to congeal/go mouldy etc

Never throw half eaten apples or any other food in the bin, throw them down the side or back of the sofa.

Never check how many nappies you've got left, ditto how much milk.

Wait till your children have raging temperatures, streaming colds etc before you see if you have any Calpol in the house.

Never throw the empty toilet roll tube in the bin

Never get a new toilet roll out of the cupboard so it's ready for the next person

Never put dirty dishes in dishwasher - put them on kitchen surface above dishwasher.

Always put the very noisy washing machine on when you are about to sit down and watch your fav TV programme and leave the kitchen door wide open. Oh and just for good measure - put the (empty) dishwasher on too!

And always take off your shoes when you are about to go into the garden and take your socks off half way down the garden and leave them there to be found 3 days later, very dirty and very wet.

Always leave bowls with weetabix or ready break out as long as possible

If you have loads of things to do, sit down for a "quick look at Mumsnet" before you start.

lo, soupy. guess what i'm doing

alsways watch lost/housewives, then start doing your chores on a night when you're desperately tired and must get to bed early

If you take library books out remember never to return then until the fine is at least as much as it would have cost you to buy the book/s

Make sure your toddler gets a good late sleep, say from 2-4pm thus ensuring she's really sleepy at 7.30pm, leaving you with a calm childfree evening

lol Soupy! Ooh, that one's got me many a time!

If you finish the cereal always put the empty box back in the cupboard so no-one will know that they need to buy more !

Eat huge amounts of chocolate to make you feel better.

(This MUST be the best tip!)