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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

how big is toooo big an age gap between child no.1 and a second?

16 replies

juicychops · 25/05/2014 17:26

my ds is 9.5 and if i do decide to have another, he will be about 11 by the time it happens.

is that sort of age gap too big to work out easily? there obviously wouldn't be anything these 2 ages have in common that they can do together.

OP posts:

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weatherall · 25/05/2014 17:31

I know someone with a 10.9 gap. It's gone, just a different dynamic.

Family days out can be problematic but the same could be said for other ages!

Expect people to ask (or assume) the "same dad?" Question.

Christmascandles · 25/05/2014 17:33

I'm probably not the best person to ask my eldest of five is 33 and my youngest is 11

Eastpoint · 25/05/2014 17:42

Surely it depends on your personal circumstances. A friend of mine has two sisters, one 10 years younger than her, the other 20. My friend was born when her mother was 17. If it's right for you & your family then it's the right sized gap.

Misfitless · 26/05/2014 22:14

It's really not as an unusual as you might think.

In my DD's class, there were two families who had their second babies when their first child was in high school.

I think it would feel like having two only children, but that's not to say that it won't work, or that your DCs couldn't be close.

I also have recently met another family in which the eldest is almost 18 years old, then they have a who's 6 and a DS who is about 2.

My eldest DC is almost 18, and she was almost 9 when DC2 was born.

If it's right for you and your OH it will work. It might not be seamless, but then which family doesn't have a few hiccups along the way, irrespective of the age gaps/number of children etc.

Follow your heart, and try not to worry about what people say. I agree with the poster who said be prepared for people to ask/assume that the DCs have different dads, even if they don't !

Littlefish · 26/05/2014 22:15

I teach a 3 year old whose older siblings are all at university!

ScrambledEggAndToast · 26/05/2014 22:17

My cousins were 15.8 years apart The youngest is now 18 so basically my auntie has been raising children for 34 years. On the other hand, me and my sister, who are 20 months apart and similar in age to her oldest one left home 11 years and 7 years ago respectively. To answer your question OP, I would say 11 years is too big a gap. I think the biggest I would leave it is 5 and that would be pushing it. At the end of the day it's your decision, good luck with whatever you choose

RhondaJean · 26/05/2014 22:20

My hairdresser has a 22 year gap between h first and second children and they are both from the same long term relationship - that's the biggest gap I know of.

My other friend has thirteen years between one and two but that's two different relationships.

There are five years between my two, if I could I think I would have another one now, my youngest is 9.8 at the moment. I can't, so it's a bit theoretical, but the gap wouldn't bother me at all.

Dragonlette · 26/05/2014 22:22

I have a 10 year gap between my 2 dds. Dd1 is 14, dd2 is 4. Yes family days out are a problem, but tbh dd1 doesn't want to go on family days out anyway any more :( (we still drag her along and she just looks miserable and reads a book/plays music/plays on her phone )

It's more common than you'd think as well. Dd2 has 10 friends at nursery, in 3 of those families there is an age gap of at least 10 years between the 4yo and their youngest sibling. My mum is 22 years older than her youngest sister and they get on very well indeed.

SixImpossible · 26/05/2014 22:23

It will be like having two singletons, but just a bit more complicated. He will be starting secondary, and developing his independence, so is highly unlikely to have any major jealousy issues. By the time you have to accomodate dc2's interests on h

MadameJosephine · 26/05/2014 22:25

I have a DS who is almost 18 years old and a DD who is 18 months old, it wasnt planned that way but it works well for us.

SixImpossible · 26/05/2014 22:26

olidays, days out, etc, or take his speed and energy into account, dc1 will be 14/15, and on the verge of going off on his own, so there will only be 2-3 years of juggling needs.

I have several friends with 8y+ between 2 dc, and they all seem to find it easier than those of us with more conventional age-gaps. In fact, the bigger the age-gap the better the sibling relationship.

ancientbuchanan · 26/05/2014 22:31

Depends what you want. There's 6 years between dsis and me. Too much imv, though not my parents' fault. But closer would have been better.

You will effectively be bringing up two onlies, with one important difference, that when you need care they can share. It's v important, that.

Shortroundnfluffy · 14/06/2014 00:47

All siblings are different , follow your heart & do what is right for you & your family.
There is 16 yrs between me & baby sis (she's late 20's now so not a baby, but will always be my baby sis!) we are not particularly close as she was v little when I moved out of home but I would do anything for her & am v proud of her, in a way a big age gap was nice as I could do my own thing & have my own space but spend time with my younger siblings when I chose too, rather than having a close age gap & not being independent enough to walk away when I needed space, it was all pretty harmonious really :)

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 14/06/2014 00:58

I have a 14 year gap. DS1 left school today. DD starts pre-school in September.

From the same marriage too! I have had plenty of people assume they must have different fathers though.

PuppyMouse · 25/07/2014 22:30

There's 13 years between me and my sister. I was horrified when my Mum fell pregnant and really struggled for a number of years. Mainly because I was very uncomfortable in myself anyway, but was tall and "well developed" for my age, so people assumed she was mine if I went out with her. And I was mortified by that, not being a maternal type.

However when she turned 16 we went shopping together for the first time. As I was in a good job by then I could treat her to stuff and when I ended up very similar size to her when I got married she was able to share clothes with me.... All very shallow I know but when she finally opened up about my parents' divorce (I was 20 and at uni, she bore the brunt), we bonded fully and now are very close.

I'm young enough to have been able to help with job application forms, clothes, make up and men advice but also old enough to treat her, I sorted out some work experience for her and stood up for her when our Dad was being a total idiot.

Wouldn't be without her....

Dittomark · 25/07/2014 22:45

I think 11 years is a brilliant age gap. Once your eldest is off to secondary school you might find they'll want to spend increasingly more time with their friends and less with the family. So you'll be free to do things with the youngest.

And in a few years time they'll be able to babysit

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