We have a beautiful 2 year old son who is the light of our lives. My DH never wanted children but reluctantly agreed, saying he would rather be with me in my world which I was clear involved a family. Though I admit it took me 10 years to convince him. Despite initially hating (I'm not exaggerating) his new role as a parent, from around 12 months my DH has just loved it. He and DS have the most precious relationship, he's now even more hands on than most of my friends' DHs.
I am soooooo ready to have another child. In part because I desperately want a sibling for DS but admittedly because I have so loved every second of DS and I would relish doing it all again. Selfishly I would love the chance to have a DD. if we had another boy I would adore him all the same, but would at least like a shot at having a relationship just like I have with my mother.
DH is adamant he doesn't want another, citing fear of childbirth (admittedly it was traumatic and touch and go for me and DS, I wish he hadn't witnessed it, but I'd go through it again in a heartbeat), the stress of the baby days which he hated (but I loved!) and the financial implications (things are tight and looking forward we could afford private school for DS, but not for two).
I am devastated. I have this fundamental need to nurture and feel incomplete. While I am delighted for friends who are all starting to announce 2nd pregnancies, I am grief stricken for what I feel is my loss. It is starting to create a huge void between us, to be honest I am beginning to feel quite angry and resentful. I know that until the day I die, I will feel bitter about this. In another world i think i could have easily gone on to have many children and would have considered adoption as i now know my love would not be limited to a biological child.
I have even started fantasising about leaving DH, but how can I break up a happy family just to start another one, devastating DH and DS in the process?
I can't sleep for thinking about this, dream about it and when I am on my own I weep with grief.
What can I do to stop this heartbreak?