Do you feel extra-obliged to see cousins?

[Acinonyx]

We have an only dd, 5. I was raised as an only, and my adoptive parents (now dead) cut themselves off from their families. I do, however, have contact with my bfamily - including a bsis and bbro. Dh has a huge family. All our sibs are in the US except my bbro who in Asia. Dh's parents are on the west coast US - so seeing them is yet another separate trip (they don't fly).

Since dd was born, we have been to the US 4 times. I just don't know if we can keep this up. And we hoping to go to bbro sometime. It eats all our time and especially money - and we wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for dd - so that she can see her cousins and grandparents (although none more than every 2 years). Dh is not very attached to family - they keep in touch on FB and he didn't used to go over that much.

No-one comes here. My Sil also won't fly and my bsis has her own similar time/money problem trying to get the family over to Asia (and no, a stopover is not likely for various reasons).

I just don't know if it's all worth it. We're taking a year off from the US trips to put some money into the house. But then we won't have seen anyone for over 2 years. It's not cheaper to do the east and west coast in one trip - it's slightly cheaper to get returns from London for each.

Is anyone else tying themselves in knots and doing all the running to keep their only in touch with cousins? I sometimes think it would be simpler if we just flat out couldn't afford it. But it does seem like we are always digging ourselves out of the post-trips hole at the end of the year.

Yes and NO. when those cousins are in same country, Yes, when they live abroad, No. Boy has both situations and the abroad ones DID live in the UK for 18 months so he got to know them a bit and now misses them.

For the time being contact with the Abroad cousins will be via e-mail and christmas / birthday phonecalls only. we won't be planning a trip to them for a few year sand they can't afford to come back here soon.

The in UK cousin, we do see every couple of months , also keep up some intermittent contact with MY cousins who have children of around same age.

I wonder if we would do this if we had family in the UK - but we have none. Perhaps, now dd is a bit older, we should spend more effort on contact bewteen visits - which has been very spotty.

You say that you are making a huge effort for your DD's sake and that's presumably because you feel like you ought to be giving her some sense of family beyond just her parents?

What's really interesting about what you say is that your DH has a huge family but is "not very attached to family".

Now that totally flies in the face of everything we read around this site about only children missing out on the love , close bonding, and "special relationships" that only having siblings can give a child.

Your DH just goes to show that it doesn't matter how many siblings you give your children, what will be will be in the future and they will make their own ways. You and your DD are now your DH's family - not his siblings and that's what happens to most people when they grow up.

When your DD grows up to be her father's age for all you know she could be surrounded by a loving and close family of her own. Not everyone in your "family" necessarily needs to be a blood relative and we all have a "family" of people who are special and dear to us.

I'd say to you make as much effort as you feel you can realistically and practically manage and no more. Don't stress about it and what will be will be in the future.

Cousins will only be really close like substitute siblings if they see each other really regularly. I am lucky in that I have a neice and nephew very close in age to my DS living just up the road. They all attend the same school and have seen each other almost daily since their births, holidayed together and always spent special times, family occasions together. They are now like siblings and really do love one another dearly, although they fight like cats and dogs too at times!

You can't really recreate that when your cousins are ones you rarely see. I have cousins who I rarely ever saw growing up and now I'd probably pass them in the street.

The very best you can hope for with cousins you rarely see is that you strike up a friendship I think but feelings don't really go much deeper than that - well, they certainly didn't with any of mine.

Maybe try to maintain contact with your DD's cousins online - through Facebook, MSN, Skype, phonecalls and webcam chats etc. There are lots of things that kids can do together online to interact with one another.

boy likes to send (by e-mail)pictures of things he has done, to his cousins . He likes me to read their blog for him and we look at their on line photo albums. He also adores getting postcards so he sends postcards occasionally in hope of getting one back ( doesn't happen often).

We talk about the cousins, so we might say that Xs big sister is 11 now like cousin A or they have braids in their hair like cousin B.

Gen - I suspect dh is able to take his family for granted because they've always been there - and also - modern technology does make it easy to keep up.

My own family history is so dysfunctional I don't think I am able to judge this situation normally.