help - 3yo being bullied at nursery

[lucy01]

Help needed - DG1 is being bullied a nursery! (Sorry might be a long one).

From being a happy, smiley, lively child she has become withdrawn, sad and will sit hunched up sucking her thumb. This has coincided with a particular boy who, has had behavioural problems in the past, recently moving up to her room.

We have spoken once to the nursery (they acknowledge that his behaviour is not acceptable) about it but she is still saying that this child is hitting her, calling her names, etc. I don't think that she is being particularly singled out as I get the impression that this is his general behaviour. I have been told that he runs rings around his parents who have no control over him - well if they can live with that at home fine, but this is my daughter he is hurting.

Apart from this child she is happy at nursery. Has good days when he hasn't been in there but physically withdraws at the thought of going the next day. I don't see why I should have to remove her from, excepting this, a caring environment where she has lots of friends/a good time/is developing/etc. DG2 is also at the same nursery and is very happy so I don't really want to have to move them both. But what should I do about this little thug!

Advice/experience/tips needed urgently please. Have a meeting with them tomorrow to discuss but apart from requesting that he is not allowed anywhere near her don't know what to do.

Lucy that sounds awful. Not sure I can offer much help but I feel for you and your daughter.
If other children are being affected as well is it possible to speak to their parents & take a 'group approach' to the nursery? I'm sure it must be hard for them if the boy has real problems but if a number of children are being seriously upset they can't let it go on.

I had a problem similar to this a couple of months ago. I spoke to the nursery and they said they'd keep an eye on it which wasnt good enough for me. I spoke to the boys parents who were shocked at what had been happening. We had him round to play and they were able to interact on a one to one basis. luckily this has worked well for us and the boys play together alot at nursery now. I think it depends on what his parents are like though. I was lucky in that his parents were nice people.

Oh no, so sad to hear.We have been through the same thing.My ds1 was scared of going to nursery for a few months because of a little boy who would hit and intimidate the other children. Luckily he moved up a room recently, but I noticed a significant behavioural change in my little one too. It's very difficult, because on one hand I sympthatise with the parents of the "bully" and he might just be going through a bad stage. On the other hand, you want your child to feel safe in nursery. I never talked to the staff about it and just closed my eyes and hoped it would go away. However, I have since been thinking about it and I do think some children can affect their environment so negatively that a nursery can't have them there. Sorry, I haven't got any other advice than to talk to them. Don't think I like the idea of grouping together with other parents though. It feels a bit like ganging up I think.....Good luck!!

This child may be put forward for assessment and maybe this process is being put in place now so that he can be given the right help. However if this is affecting your child to such an extent that she is becoming withdrawn I would remove her.

Fairymum - I think that I agree with you about not going "on mass" to the nursery management with this one - think that it would put them on the defensive.

as a teacher- if a parent comes to tell me this sort of thing i make it my duty to help that child feel protected and safe in my care and to keep a very close eye on them, as often it takes longer to 'sort out' the bully so the bullied needs this support- talk to the teachers again if you have to as they should be helping your little one - i would often have conversations with child present so that they understood that i knew what was going on and that thet knew they could come to me whenever they felt upset- it does usually take a while to get their confidence back though, hope she is ok

I used to manage a nursery so i'll let you know how we dealt with such situations (and we had a few!)

If the child has a specific special needs, you can try to get help from the local council with one-to-one workers for some of the time.

Any child with behavioural problems like this, used to be closely shadowed by a member of staff at all times. We had two staff (one was me) who weren't included in ratio numbers, so in incidences when we had a child who needed shadowing it would be one of us to do so.
Its a simple practice really, the shadowing puts a stop immediately to anyone getting harmed and at the same time you are helping the child with behavioural problems to learn "appropriate" types of play and encouraging his development.

If the nursery cannot provide this (they should though) they need to speak to the boys parents explain that they can't meet his needs (because he obviously needs one-to-one) and work on an action plan to overcome this. This could involve reducing his hours so that shorter hours can be covered one-to-one or find funding to pay for a one-to-one worker.
Also the nursery should be completing incident forms each time this boy has an outburst that his parents sign and one for any other parents to sign if their children were involved. The nursery should be encouraging the parents to work with them on a behaviour management plan so the child gets consistency.

I hope this helps!

thanks for everyone's words of encouragement. it broke my heart to send her to nursery this morning. i had to spend the car journey in giving her a pep talk with big shouts of who's the best "I am", etc.

We have actively encouraged her to play with everyone in her group and to teach her to include all the children, especially the new ones. Now I am telling her not to play with this one child. I feel so

she told me that she would get the room leader to call me if she had a tummy ache and needed to come home today (although she did say that it wouldn't be until after swimming this morning)!

will let all know what happens tomorrow