What do I do?? DD suddenly refusing preschool

[nervousmummyofsoontobe3]

Hi, would be really grateful for some advice. My lovely 3 year old (nearly 4) started preschool in sept. I was so nervous about it as I had a baby 6 months ago and she’s never been in childcare before. I spent a lot of time preparing her for it and I was so proud she settled in brilliantly , or so I thought.

She only does 2.5 days. She did 2 weeks of half days then 1 week of full days and was fine and happy and positive about her days very excited to tell me everything. Her behaviour was a bit more tired and irritable at home which I expected with this new change.

During her third week she caught an illness and was off preschool for 2 days. During that time she said she didn’t want to go anymore as the days were too long which I attributed to her illness. She went back on the Friday after she recovered from the worst of it with some protesting. I was told she was tearful all day on and off. Since then her behaviour has massively escalated at home. Tantrums are just unbearable so emotional, easily triggered and looks exhausted and drained from them. Baby is also going through a difficult stage either illness or regression and between the two of them I’m not sure how to cope.

Nursery teacher wasn’t that helpful just said that’s normal and just suggested to put her in full time as she may settle quicker. I don’t feel that would help her as she specifically told me the days feel too long. Also I have no idea how I will physically even get her there for even one more day. With a screaming baby that won’t be put down and an older child to get ready for school. Bedtime took 1 hour of screaming and meltdowns.

She is due to go back in on Wednesday. Any thoughts or ideas on how to approach this ? I don’t want to give up without giving it a chance especially as I feel she is bored and unstimulated at home and she seemed to enjoy it initially. But at the same time I can’t bear seeing her go through this. She was a happy child before this generally and did have the occasional tantrum but nothing like this .

Really appreciate any advice I feel I am so desperate. I’m barely sleeping with the both of them and just feel so overwhelmed

At 3, some degree of preschool is beneficial. I would power through. She should learn that the world doesn’t revolve around her wants and the family schedule doesn’t change because she has a tantrum.

2.5 days is unsettling a, are they a block of days or day in, day off?

I'd persevere.

I imagine that DD is objecting to the fact that she has to go to Nursery while the baby stays at home with you. She has told you what the problem is, the days are too long. Could she just go for half days for a while?

Some positive reinforcement. My little girl started preschool in September too. We have some tearful drop offs and some very willing and happy drop offs. I try to give her an incentive like a trip to the park afterwards or a favourite treat or some cheap crafty bits. I alway acknowledge she doesn’t always want to go and try to change the topic / distract as it can get very consuming. I suppose my little girl is different in that they say even on the teary days she settles very quickly and generally always happy. She only goes 3hrs daily but does have crèche wraparound also to deal with so those days can be exhausting.

Can she do 5 mornings for the next few weeks? More stable routine of going everyday but the sessions aren't so long.

That's too long for a child imho. My DD did a couple of hours in the afternoons for a whole term before reception. I dropped her and picked her up with baby ds.
When I went back to work my childminder did the 11 months ago ds full time and took DD to and fro to nursery, I collected both about 6 after my work.
DD enjoyed her time with her little brother then as she wasn't missing out.

She should absolutely feel like the world revolves around her at three. She’ll have a lifetime of knowing all too well that it doesn’t. What a strange perspective.

OP I don’t have advice because I never do preschool. Mine have all gone straight to reception. They wouldn’t have settled at preschool but were fine from day one in reception. I don’t know your circumstances but nursery/preschool is optional. It’s not true that children need it. They’re fine not going if that’s what you choose.

Sorry you're going through this, it is upsetting.

It sounds like the preschool option IS an option, in so far as you're not working so could have her a bit more on those days? What I did with my daughter was a really gentle staggered start. She was a lot younger than yours so it was more gentle than probably you'd need but: At first she only went in for a few hours both days. And I gradually added an hour or so each week as time went on. This was over months. Might this be an option? To build her up slowly?

I don't subscribe to this idea that you need to teach them early that a tantrum doesn't get them what they want when it comes to obvious behaviour changes : you can tell the difference between a tantrum born from wanting something they can't have and a tantrum born of deregulation due to development or routine hanges or being upset about something they can't articulate (ie missing you). She's still so very little.

I'd go slowly if you are able to, tell her she's only going in until a set time, promise you'll be back at that time and stick with it.

I would say that that age is normal for severe full blown tantrums. Some days are very tricky and you can tie yourself in knots trying to understand why a behaviour is happening. But if this feels very attached to preschool then just ease off that for a time, cap the time she is there ☺️

Thanks for the replies so far. So it’s 2.5 days in a block (Wed pm, Thurs 9-3 and Fri 9-3). She’s been fine at drop off and during the sessions until last Friday which was her first post illness day. And that’s when her behaviour has escalated. I feel she’s old and switched on enough to need to be talked into going rather than physically taken and left there. Just the practically of even getting her dressed is not possible without some sort of willingness from her.

I can suggest if we can do half days for a bit longer perhaps.

And I agree it’s definitely optional. I do feel like I could do with a bit of a break with the baby at home 5 days is full on and she is bored and unstimulated at home. She really enjoyed her first few weeks hence why wanting to persist. Obviously if it’s not the right fit for her won’t carry on but she will be in reception at the same school next year and feel this would be a nice transition for her (as it was for my son)

No, a whole family’s schedule and needs shouldn’t revolve around a three year old, unless it is a medical necessity or a scenario risking real harm. Being disgruntled over 2.5 days a week at preschool isn’t one of them.

I think half days is plenty at that age unless you need longer for work. It is certainly enough for them to settle at school. A lot of preschools (as opposed to day care) were only open for that long until not long ago.
I don't agree with just saying "tough luck, the world doesn't revolve around you" to a small child struggling with the days being too long.

@Didimum Children matter. Their needs matter. Anyone who doesn’t think so doesn’t need to have them. They aren’t government issued. We decide to have them.

No child, especially such a small one, needs to learn that the family will not accommodate their needs. They should feel like their parents would do anything to keep them happy and safe.
You can still make decisions that will benefit them and the rest of the family without making them feel irrelevant.

I can only imagine how you’d suggest letting them know life doesn’t revolve around them. Why would anyone want their child to feel that way?

You are confusing needs and wants. Of course kiddo would rather be at home with mum. She has spent all her life being the baby and now has to learn that there is a real baby and she is the big girl. However OP is the parent and protesting doesn’t change the decision on something that is good for her.
As for baby ‘won’t’ be put down, switch that to ‘won’t be out down without a fuss’. Just do it. Put down and carry on. No baby has died from protesting.

Are you a boomer?

Completely ignore the teacher saying she'll settle better if she's full time - ridiculous!
Your DD is clearly struggling and you need to listen to her. It maybe linked to her bug, it might be that she is just getting too tired. She is only 3, so doesn't need to be in school. A little bit of time away from you is fine and despite what you think, she might be quite happy at home pottering with you and the baby.
Both my children only went into prescription at 3 - one had to do 3 mornings and the second, in a different setting, just did 2 mornings, moving up to 3 the term before starting reception. That worked well for the children. They enjoyed their time in preschool but weren't overtired by being there too long and they still had some time at home with me.
Neither of mine went to nursery before preschool.

I’m not confusing anything. I just believe children should be centred. Not indefinitely, but whilst they are small which this little girl very much is.
Her parents having a new baby doesn’t mean she isn’t small anymore or doesn’t negate her needs. She not disgruntled or protesting, she’s upset. Luckily her mother cares about that and is trying to find a healthier way to help her adjust than just telling her to suck it up. Luckily she is also meeting the very natural need of her baby to want to be held.

I would do anything to keep her happy and safe including something that might be hard in the short term. im just not sure what that is at the moment hence me asking for advice!
unfortunately half days are not an option it’s either 5 full or 2.5 days at this nursery. In the short term I’m sure they can agree to half days for those 2.5 days perhaps.

Still have zero ideas how to get her there tomorrow took me 40 mins just to get her pyjamas on this evening.

Is she definitely completely well now? Maybe she’s just feeling wobbly.

Could you have a couple of v v quiet (boring) days at home and see if then pre school seems like a better option.

Has she made some friends at preschool?

You all sound a bit tired and strung out, is your partner being helpful?