Experience of starting nursery

[SquirrelBalloon]

My 12 month old LO has 3 settling in sessions this week, 2 hour long sessions then a full day. I don’t stay for any of them.
I really don’t know what to expect but I’m so worried because I’m back at work next week.
He loves baby classes and groups and happily goes to explore when we’re there, but he always looks back to check where I am.
I feel sick - it’s such a horrible feeling.

My LO has just started nursery (this is her last week of settling in) so i feel your pain!

Its so hard walking away from them and leaving them but i just try to spend as much time as I can with her when Im not working.

How has her settling in gone? I just feel really nervous that he’s going to be so upset and confused.

The settling in os going as well as can be expected. She hasn't cried at drop off yet but cries and hugs me when I collect her.

She is also breastfed but the key worker did manage to put her to sleep which was impressive.

I usually take some food with me in case she hasn't eaten much there.

I usually spend time with her once shes been picked up just to help reconnect.

Has your DS done a settling in session yet?

This is WAY harder for you than your DS. I remember when DS started at 12 months I was a wreck and was so worried he’d be upset, especially if he cried when I first left him. By the time I’d gotten out of the building and snuck a peek through the windows, I could usually see him happily playing or eating a second breakfast! After a few weeks he’d scoot in really happily to his favourite toy or key worker. As long as you have chosen a good nursery, it will be fine.

That said, it’s a bit of a right of passage for DC to catch every bug going when they first start nursery, or the first winter, and you then catch it from them. I’ve never been sick more often in my life that the first winter DS1 was at nursery - but after that my immune system must have been bulletproof because I barely got sick for ten years after that! I had a clear deal with DH that as I was just settling back into work after maternity leave and trying to make a good impression, if the nursery called to say DS was sick and needed picking up, DH would be the default person to leave work to do it for the first six months or so.

He’s had session 1 today, they told me he was fine at first, then had an unsettled 15 minutes but they managed to distract him by showing him the garden. We had some photos of him smiling and he didn’t look like he’d been crying when we collected him but he was making a sobbing noise for a while as we took him home.

Ahh yes the bugs…
He’s had a bit of a run of illnesses for the past couple of months so I’m hoping his immune system can cope well 🤞🏻

Most kids seem to take to it really well! My main reflection is to be prepared for lots of illness and having to take days off/collect early quite frequently in those early days due to illnesses. Also have lots and lots of spare clothes that you don’t mind getting ruined! At our nursery they have to have two full sets of clean clothes extra per day so that’s 9 outfits a week just for the 3 days of nursery 😂. Mostly just enjoy it, happy in the knowledge they are well cared for and getting lots of lovely experiences.

There are quite a few clichés in this post that I think are worth challenging.

It’s not necessarily “way harder for you than your DS”. Starting nursery can be a genuinely difficult transition for a baby, even if they appear to settle quickly. A baby looking happy, playing or eating shortly after you leave doesn’t automatically mean they weren’t distressed by the separation or that they’ve suddenly decided nursery is wonderful. Babies and young children can adapt their behaviour to a new environment and their distress isn’t always obvious to an adult watching from the outside.

And the “bulletproof immune system” thing is another nursery cliché. Yes, children are exposed to lots of new infections when they start nursery and often get fewer infections as they get older, but catching every bug going doesn’t magically make your immune system bulletproof. Immunity develops to specific infections; it isn’t some general immune-system boot camp.

I’d much rather reassure a mum honestly: yes, this can be hard for both of you, but most children gradually adapt and can form lovely relationships with their key workers. You don’t need to tell her it’s all harder for her, that her baby is secretly having a fantastic time the second she leaves, and that they’ll emerge with a bulletproof immune system.

I’m just relaying my own experience, and things become cliches for a reason - because they are such a common experience for so many people! I don’t mean to trivialise that, yes, the separation may well be upsetting at first, but the small upset of that separation is worth it for your baby/toddler to learn at a very young age that there are lots of lovely people who care for them and that you/dad always come back for them at the end. Personally- and again, I’m talking about my own experience with my two DC - having been to nursery from 12 months, my DC then had no problems further down the line starting school or being dropped off at play dates and birthday parties.

DC2 was premature and in hospital for several weeks when he was born and it made things so much easier that 3 1/2 year old DC1 was happy to go round to his nursery friends houses or for another nursery parent to take him to birthday parties (obviously parents that DH and I knew well and trusted, and that DC1 knew). It allowed DH and I up to both spend some time at the hospital with DC2 together, instead of one of us always having to be with DC1.

I agree about key workers. It’s lovely the first time you drop DC at nursery and they reach out their arms for their key worker with a big smile.

But you’re still glossing over the bit I was actually challenging: “This is WAY harder for you than your DS.” How can you possibly know that about someone else’s baby?

I think these nursery clichés are often repeated because they make mums feel less guilty about leaving their baby, but they completely shift the focus away from the baby and how they might be experiencing the separation. A baby can look happy, play and adore their key worker and still find being separated from their mum difficult. Adapting to nursery doesn’t mean the separation wasn’t hard.

Nursery is absolutely fine when it’s needed, and children can obviously have lovely experiences there. But I don’t think we need to pretend that starting nursery at 12 months is inherently beneficial for the majority of babies, or that the “small upset” is automatically worth it. Sometimes it’s simply childcare that families need-and that’s okay too.