Private nursery requested extra meeting after autism disclosure for delayed Reception child

[SnappyCat26]

Hi all,

I've been applying for preschools in private nurseries so far, and called a local private provider (who owns & manages 3 term-time nurseries - not named for privacy reasons). When I called via WhatsApp (and in previous email communications), she seemed quite happy to be getting on with the process, accepted childcare vouchers, seemed friendly, and even invited us for a stay 'n' play in September. When she asked for child's age I disclosed that she was 4, and going for a delayed entry to Reception (so we'd need the preschool in said day nursery from Sep '26 - June '27) due to her Neurodivergence (ND) - autism and ADHD.

It was going fine until I disclosed why, and answered (when prompted) that she hadn't been in any Nursery setting previously and preschool would be the first time she'd be left without her CG for long periods of time (we want preschool so we can prepare her for Reception, to expose her to being with other little kids & teach her how to make friends) - then she asked for an individual meetup before the main Open Day to see us both (before term starts, later on this month). It was listed on the Council's & nursery's website that they 'have a wealth of knowledge with SEND' and are equipped to support ND children.

This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't mentioned that my child was autistic. Is this fair or not?

Of course it's fair. They need to be prepared for your child coming to the nursery, so they're going to need more information about her needs and any specific methods you use to manage her conditions.

The last thing you want if for the settling in session to go wrong. I'd she's not used to other children at that age, they are going to have to handle her very differently from the average four year old in their setting. So they need information.

Seems like she wants to give you both the chance to meet without being overwhelmed with lots of other people, there..

I’m surprised you’re asking. Any good pre school would want to increase settling sessions for a 4 yr old who is ND and not been in any childcare setting previously.

do you expect her to just walk in on day 1 and everything be fine ?

they need to understand her needs more so that they can plan how to meet them.

This is the start of a long, hard road for you and your child. Whether this provider asked for the meeting for good reasons or bad we can’t say. But it really should not affect you. Just go into the meeting looking to meet a new ally, or trying to make a new ally.

If she is practiced, professional, welcoming and thoughtful about taking your child:great! If she is anxious, unpracticed, unwilling, unsure then try to approach her collaboratively and convert her to a new ally for your dd.

No point going in with negative feelings.

As others have said, a meeting in person is surely a good thing - I imagine it wouldn't be great for anyone involved, most of all your daughter, if you rock up at the open day with lots of other kids and parents and the nursery manager hadn't made time to discuss your daughter's specific needs and what they can do to support her.

You will probably find as your daughter grows that not everyone will automatically make time for this and that you have to be proactive to make sure her needs are known and met. Unless you go to this meeting and are then told that they can't meet your daughter's needs, the request is completely fair and the responsible thing to do.

Yes, it’s fair. The setting needs to have open and honest conversations with you about your child’s needs so that they can put things in place to support your child. Meeting you both face to face without lots of other people is part of this process.

I honestly don’t understand your post or why you think it’s discrimination. They have set up a stay and play for your child ahead of starting, not refused care for her?
Surely they need to learn about your child and how best they can support her in advance of her first day?

I have a child with medical needs that means settings need to be educated and trained on it, so I get the sensitivity of your child being excluded or treated differently but that’s not really the case here. The session is for everyone’s benefit.

It's fair. They are making the time to meet you and your child individually rather than just having a quick chat on the busy open day.

Why have you posted this thread in two places? The answer is still the same.

My child’s private nursery wasn’t keen on keeping my DS for an extra year when we were considering deferring him. He’s NT but they weren’t sure that their pre-school year was set up for someone who was a year older and had already been through the preschool year once (which is a different situation to you I appreciate). So it may not be related to her autism and ADHD necessarily but I can also understand them wanting to have a discussion about whether they’re set up to support her.

Of course it is fair. It would be unfair to your child if they didn't do this.

They are meeting you and your child to determine what support they are going to put in place for her.

Alternatively, they may say they can't meet her needs. In which case, it's better that you find out now rather than once she is in an unsuitable environment.

Yes, its fair. The manager is trying to get to know your DD as well as possible before there are several other new starters taking the attention.
Grab the opportunity with both hands whenever your DD is offered anything extra that will support her needs.

I have two autistic children.

Of course this is fair.

They need to know her level of need so that they can confirm they can meet her needs and have arrangements, like extra staffing or extra sensory resources in place to help her.

There is nothing unfair about this. It would be unfair for your daughter, the staff, and other children for her to arrive on day 1 with them knowing nothing about her!

Of course it’s fair.

Do t you want the nursery to spend time getting to know your DDs needs and how to meet them? And make sure they can meet them before setting her up to fail?

I can understand you may be cautious and see this as a cooling from their side however they need to meet your child to get to know them 1:1 to best support them going straight in with. Full co-hort at the start of a new year, perhaps with other new preschoolers for them to get to know. Give them the opportunity to meet and then go from there - they may decide they’re not the best place for your child or they may feel confident that they are able to best support. You won’t know this until you meet. Also, can I ask if you also are ND as I wonder is there’s some RSD at play here too?

@Frostynoman Yes, you're right to call me out on this & ask why - probably the RSD; IDK why I bothered posting.

In the call she said something like "I'm going to arrange a pre-meeting [....] to assess your child's needs and suitability [...] for a preschool setting."

What the Nursery Manager (probably) meant: We're arranging a meeting to determine how best to support your child, get to know her, and get all the access arrangements put in place (as we're proud to be a SEND-friendly preschool).

What I thought: This is a screening assessment (like an interview - don't judge my thoughts) that will determine if DC is allowed to go to the next stage - stay 'n' play Open Day + preschool itself - but only ND children have to do this.

Thanks for the kind support on this thread & mostly on the other (unlike one Mumsnetter on the other thread...🙄) ❤ I know that some ppl have a stereotype of autistic children being violent and anti-social, which is the complete opposite of how my child is - caring, empathetic and outgoing.

I get that you want your child to be ‘just like all the rest’ but she isn’t. She needs special handling. Of course they should be meeting with you to work out together what that will look like to make nursery as pleasant as possible for all parties.

So you want your ND child to be treated the same as everyone else? There is a difference between equality and equity. This sounds as if it is the latter. Crack on trying to find somewhere else that ignores the ND though and doesn't give your child the extra support, if that's what you want. OP kindly, you need to get a grip (coming from a mother with a neurodivergent child who had to have multiple very productive meetings with the SENDCO before my child started school).

If your daughter has a formal diagnosis of ADHD at the age if 4, so extremely early, it suggests she has significant additional needs, as it's not normally diagnosed until at least 6. This is in addition to a diagnosis of autism. She has not been in nursery - or a similar setting - before and I understand had little experience being with other kids. She struggles making friends and you hope preschool will teach her that.

Nursery are not unreasonable, you are.

Do you honestly believe that your child can be accommodated in a regular nursery? That's quite an assumption with what you describe.

They have to see that they can meet the needs of your dd.

They are doing the right think to ensure they understand your child's needs and ensure that they can meet them appropriately. I've never heard that stereotype of autistic children, I think most people now understand that neurodiversities present differently in different people.

I'm confused. In your other threads your DD has already been in reception and is already 5. You've also posted about the SEND tribunal working for you. The advice will be different for each of those scenarios. Unless you have a 5 year old and a 4 year old, but I would have thought you'd be familiar with how this works in that situation.

Anyway... They aren't being unreasonable. A dx of ASD & ADHD at 4 is very rare. In fact, I'm really surprised that your child particularly has an ADHD dx if she's never been to a nursery/preschool setting because of the requirement to show symptoms in at least two settings (such as home and school). ADHD usually isn't diagnosed before the age of 6.

With that said, it's likely that a child of 4 who has both ASD and ADHD and has never been to preschool, and is delaying the start of reception, has high support needs.

1:1 support is much more common in preschool settings through inclusion funding, so they'll want to know how much support to give.

ETA: if your DD has an EHCP, the process is different.