Nursery raising behaviour concerns about our 3.5-year-old, any advice?

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Nursery keep telling us of 'issues' they're experiencing with our 3.5 year old daughter that we don't know how to sort. Can anyone suggest some things we can try?
The so called issues are:
Not listening - this is an issue at home too and we are trying to reinforce the importance of paying attention to what we/ teachers say (but struggle to find consequences for not listening)
Not doing as told - at nursery this typically amounts to refusal to join in an activity because she doesn't want to and leads to her sitting alone at the side of the room, at home we get a tantrum if we try to reinforce the need to do things even when you might not want to
Wants to have her cuddly sloth with her - i really don't get why this is an issue, it's comforting for her to have Sammy and both dad and I took our favourite bears everywhere at her age.
We often get the impression the nursery staff think we're crap parents not using discipline or trying to guide behaviour at home which frustrates me and bothers me as its plain not true. Thanks in advance, sorry for such a long post!

A child not listening..are they for real.
To thry hold her hand and guide her to join in or entice her with others to join in?
We were allowe dto send a special toy for nap times.
Depends on the teachers and kids.
Whats all thr above got to do woth crap parenting..nothing!
The childs learning to hold her own?
Bored? Crap entertainment and actitives..ask why or what she is refusing to avoid joining in.
Can you spend spme time to watch the dynamics of thr place.
A hearing check incase it is medical...mine had alot of wax blocking ears causing some hesring issues.
There is no judgement or blame in a early childhood setting ots working to help the wee dot enjoy the experince.
Id go spy...well hang around and observe...randomly.

Well I don't know why you have called them 'issues' or so called issues- do you not believe these are things to be addressed at 3.5? I can understand why at home you don't think its a problem but really at 3.5 in group childcare, most children will do as asked and follow the crowd even if its not something they 100% would chose to do. For instance sitting down when asked, tiding up, coming inside, listening to safety instructions etc etc.

They are all soft rules designed to get them ready for school and then life in general.

The soft toy reliance could indicate a emotional immaturity. Most children will be able to put their comfort toys away to join in with more exciting activities and offerings.

Do you have any SEN concerns?

They are being unreasonable about not listening, but I think the sloth should stay home. My DD has a blanket she’d take everywhere if she could and we’d never go away without it for a night, it’s always with her at home, but it stays in the house as its precious and we don’t want to loose it/have someone else destroy it. It’s healthier for her to leave it at home. And it’s unreasonable to expect nursery to allow random toys from home to be brought in, imagine trying to manage toddlers individual precious toys

What activities is she refusing to join in?

As others have said, we are only allowed to bring in special toys for nap time and outside of that it is put in the child's drawer. My lad would happily drag it around all day if he was let! 😅

Have you had her hearing checked? Maybe she's not always hearing rather than not listening.

I would ask what they mean by not listening. Can they not get her attention, does she appear not to be listening? Do they know she isn’t listening? Or do they mean she doesn’t follow instructions? What have they done so far to help her follow instructions? Have they tried chunking into parts and using visual prompts?

You need to find out what is the actual issue so that you and nursery can work on it. Often people say a child isn’t listening and what they really mean is the child isn’t doing what I want them to do.

I would also ask the GP for a referal to audiology.

Did she “pass” her 3 developmental check?

So will she start school next year? I guess from September she has one year to 'get ready' but I wouldn't say anything of the things you've mentioned are especially unusual for some children or VERY concerning. Perhaps over the next few months before Christmas you might transition the soft toy to just bedtimes or just at home. I would just keep reinforcing the same clear message at home calmly about listening and following instructions but know that 3 year olds don't always find that easy. Just keep going I'd say. If there is something more going on it will become more apparent at school. On the other hand she might really mature in the next year and a bit.

Yeah depends on what not listening means.

has she had a hearing check? Glue were is very common at that site if age and if she literally can’t hear very well it’s worth getting it sorted.

also check vision just on general grounds.

most kids do tend to do what other kids are doing. It is relatively unusual but to join in. How is she at stay and play type stuff? If she’s shy or anxious there are ways to support with that.

I would want them to elaborate on ‘not listening’ because there’s a big difference between not actually hearing properly e.g. glue ear related hearing loss is common in preschoolers, and hearing just fine but purposefully ignoring because of a behavioural issue.

It’s standard to not allow ‘home toys’ at nursery as it causes arguments and upset about sharing, not to mention stress if it’s lost. If the child is still young enough to nap (probably not if she’s 3 and a half) then I’d expect the comforter to be allowed for sleep only then to go back into her bag.

I’d stop the toy going in and ask for a meeting to properly discuss the listening issues.

The behaviours described are pretty typical for children of this age but are things to work on before school entry. 'Not listening' can mean several things: problems with hearing (easy to get checked), not looking/paying attention, issues with language understanding (vocabulary knowledge, following two part instructions, slow processing) etc.

Different issues would require different interventions.

As a parent you could:
Get her hearing checked. Less likely but vision could also be an issue if she is not seeing what is happening, so that can be checked too.
Increase book sharing and discussion, to improve vocabulary
Play table top games to increase cooperation and turn taking
Other seat work activities, such as drawing, threading, jigsaws
Limit screens and television (perhaps discuss while she is watching)
Encourage cooperative play/quiet activities with another child her age (or older)

It is time to lose the comfort toy in nursery (which will probably mean a few tears for a day or two).

Importantly, nursery staff could meet with you and work out a plan for how to improve the situation, with some specific targets and plans, including giving praise/rewards for compliance.

One of mine was like that at the same age. At 6 they were diagnosed with ADHD. Doesn't mean your child has this but might be worth looking at strategies for young children with ADHD..

Not saying it’s right, but a nursery will be absolutely slated by Ofsted if every child isn’t constantly engaged in the provided activities.