advice URGENTLY needed - really unhappy with dds nursery

[PSCMUM]

long story but basically have found out that at least 2 members of nursery staff have told my 2 year old duaghter off for wetting herself (we are potty training her at the mo - at the nursery;s request). She is now really unhappy, anxious, spekaing in a baby voice and generally displaying all the signs of a child who is not very happy. I am absolutely furious. This has been going onfor about 2 weeks, and yesetrday was the last straw - dd came out of nursery and told me that she hadn't been allowed to go in teh garden becasue she wet herself and was too silly.
I want to strangle someone.
Other than that, does anyone have any suggestions / viewS? I took today off work and spent it with her, it was lovely. I rang round lots of other nurseries - all full. I had a meeting with the nursery manager and her key worker who were very apologfetic, but said they had policies etc that all staff knew about. They said the member of staff in question had been spoken to and explained that my dd couldn't go in the garden after she wet herself becasue she did not have any spare clothes. When I picked her up later that day she was fully dressed in tights and a dress, and there were about 4 other clean full outfits in the bag that was on her peg.
pissed off? you betcha.
bewildered about what to do now? totally!
help!

nursery should have spare clothes anyway..

i would look for an alternative nursery or cm or some other option if you do not feel they are being honest or taking the best care of your DD

You know what to do - move her . She is clearly not going to thrive in that environment .
And why are you potty training your DD at the request of the nursery? She is your DD , you are the person who should be the judge of when she is ready.
The manager and keyworker sound awful to be honest - more like a boot camp than a caring childcare organisation.

As Camilla says where are their spare clothes ??

well we are doing it at the request of nurery, but also becasue she is ready. She is doing really well with it, i just mentioned that it was at their request to show it wasn't something we were forcing on them, its something they encouraged us to do.

problem - cannot find anywhere to move her too!

another problem - she is going to school nursery with my older kids in september, so whereve she goes will be only for 6 months. Is it worth unsettling her (bearing in mind there are some good things about current place) for such a short space of time?

In my heart I know I should move her, but I just cannot find anwhere and I cannot afford o give up work.

have you looked for a childminder? For six months it could work well and you would then have that relationship in place for if you needed ad hoc childcare - school hols etc later on. I use a nursery and am very comfortable with that care - but if it's not working for you then it's time to look outside that option

No way is that acceptable! Potty training is really sensitive and the important part is not to react when they have an accident

Have you tried childminders? have a look here?

I don't know about cms, esp for a 2 year old - I'm not happy about the idea of an adult who is not a relative being alone with my little ddarling all day! thats why i have alwysa gone for nurseries. And anyway, all of the cms around here who are not axe murderers have super super long waiting lists. I rang a few today out of desperation.

that you feel like that about childminders, I know we have our downsides (illness and holiday) but a lot of us do a brilliant job and I agree with NL that it would be valuable to build a relationship with someone who can care for your dd during hols, training days and before/ after school care etc until she is old enough not to need adult supervision.

I've always found nursery to work for me and been comfortable with it BUT there's no question but that a good childminder beats an indifferent nursery hands down. (We can argue the merits of a good nursery versus a good childminder another time ) If they've all got long lists though it's not really a viable option is it? Do you have any friends who use a nanny - what about a nanny share? Or do you got to a toddler group for example where you could ask around for one?

tell them how you're doing potty training & that they are obliged to respect your parenting choices. Point out the clean clothes fib.

I would complain in writing about what happened and state that at the meeting they lied to you because you had provided changes of clothes that they hadn't used.

continue looking.............

i know what you mean about CMS - I know they can be great, some friends have had the same CM for all their kids, been brilliant, i know that it is my neurotic paranoia rather than any actual real problem wtih CMS per se. But I cannot get over it. I've tried - had a bad experience with one with my eldest and that was it, nurseries from then on.
and noiw this bollocks. god i am so bloody annoyed.
and its a council one - so it shjould be checked abd double checked etc.

in the mean time though, before i find somwhere else for her to go, what does everyeon think - shall i use all my annual leave and just stay off work with her?
or will i keep sending her there and hope that the fuss i have kicked up will lead to them being extra good with her? i cannot bear the thought of her going in there actyally. bloody hell. this is awul.

First of all at what has happened - not surprised you feel so angry.

What do you feel about what the manager told you? Do you trust her when she says she will discipline the member of staff? If so and if your dd otherwise enjoys the nursery then could be worth giving it another go until you find somewhere else. Could you take a couple of days off work and spend it with her at the nursery? Our nursery is fine with parents spending time with their DC if they want to. Might help to tide her over this difficult time.

Or if you don't want to send her back there then would be worth finding out if your work does parental leave which is different to annual leave and that way you wouldn't have to use up all your hol. That link says it's unpaid but some employers offer paid.

The manager didn't say she would discipline the member of staff. I only got to speak with the deputy manager, who told em tht the member of staff had 'a simple explanation' which was the bollocks about not being able to find any tights and not wanting my dd to go out in the garden half dressed. The deputy manager offered me to have a meeting with this member of staff - I said I'd think about it., not sure what good it will do really, apart from give me an opp to shout at her, which is just no productive. The dep manager said in 20 years of nursery involvement she had never heard a parent say the things I was saying, she said things like 'are we really that bad?' - when i said i was thinking of taking my dd out of the nursery. she was quite incredulous that i would even consider it. i think the nursery is one that is used to have far less empowered parents than us ( is that an aqul thing to say?) and they have got used to doing waht they like with the kids and the parents not quesdtioning it. The dep manager said that they would be running workships for the staff to all be reminded of the nursery's potty training policy. But then when I asked what the policy actually is, dep manager said 'its that the parents should take the lead, and we shoudl only potty train if the parents think the child is ready' which is almost ENTIRELY irrelevant!!!!!!!!

Oh for Heaven's sake, you don't need a workshop in potty training to know you don't make a two-year-old miserable over wetting herself.

What about a nanny?

no way can afford a nanny, i pay £243 pcm for nursery - 3 days a wekk - and that is the absolute max we can afford. and also, i need something like NOW! and only til sept.
i wish i could just win the lottery and then work would be an optional extra to entertain myself rather than a burden that constantly pushes my children into 2nd place. ( i do actually really enjoy my job / career / whatever, but my kids are more important, but i don't seem to ever get to actually behave as if that is the case)

Nanny share?

yes, an thinking about this, am going to go round all the notice boards in our area tmrw and see what i can find.

shall i put the ocmplaint in writing to the nursery?
the worker involved is an abject moron, but i know how serious these things can be when you have a written complaint made against you. mind you, she deserves it.

PSCMUM, that just sounds dreadful. I hope you can find a balance of alternative childcare/leave so that you can take her out as you obviously want to. I left ds1 in a nursery I didn't like, well it was more than that, he wasn't developing, they left him with a pooey bottom lots of times (you know when it's been on there a while!) etc etc. They just didn't care enough. I wish I'd taken immediate action instead of faffing around because as soon as I'd moved him it was great! Can you afford some unpaid leave as you're entitled to family leave as well (I think it's up to 13 weeks?)?

i probably am entitled to some parental leave. i could just take annual leave. i have just started a new job - this is my 3rd week. Typical!

Speaking from experience .. have the meeting with the staff member and insist on Manager being there - bloody cheek that she wasn't there in 1st place, your nursery bill is probably paying for a couple of her staffs wages in the first place. Also, you could mention the O(fsted) word, usually works as if something as basic as this is going wrong, you can bet your life there are other things that the "in my 20 years of experience" woman is well aware of. Your poor child deserves better than this crap care, your right to stand up to them, I've done it myself, they don't like it but it usually brings about some changes. Also, when you pick up DD, ask in as much detail as possible about her day etc and they will be sure you are on their case, you shouldn't have to take more leave, they are providing a very well paid service, and should start providing it well. Good luck, let us know what happens and don't discount cm's, I've used one for years, much better that nursery for my 2, she's been wonderful, most cm's are really great, it's just the bad ones the press make examples of. Hope it all works out.

Message withdrawn

We usually find it is the parent who tells their child off for "having accidents". Feel sorry for children really we try not to make a fuss about it and the mum shouts at them when they pick them up.

How about asking to change your daughter's keyworker and threaten to go to ofsted