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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

DD started 3yr old Nursery today - it was awful

28 replies

Mistymoo · 08/01/2007 22:33

DD was all ready for first day at nursery this morn. Telling everyone and then when it was time for me to leave her the tears started. It took me about an hour before I left her. Every time I said I was going the tears started and she was clinging to me saying "I don't want to go to school. I just want to go home with you".

She was OK when I left her because a sweet little girl came up to her, off her own back, and asked if DD could help her with the bricks. DD said yes and I said that the girl needed her just now and I would come back for her later.

I know it was the first day but I'm already anxious about tomorrow. I'm very emotional at the best of times. I didn't cry in front of her but I'm not sure if I can hold off all the time.

Any tips???? Please

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

controlfreaky2 · 08/01/2007 22:36

stiff upper lip. cast iron resolve. bawl when you get round the corner..... this is all par for the course... she will settle in..... but is awful getting through the first bit... how old is she? is she your first? good luck.

brimfull · 08/01/2007 22:39

It must be really hard for you but I really think the longer you stay the harder it is for the child to just get on with it settle down..
Quick kiss and give her to a staff member.
Hope it goes well tomorrow and keep it cheerful

Original poster

Mistymoo · 08/01/2007 22:41

Thanks for response.

She is not my first. My ds is the more sensitive one and I thought he would be the one that I would have had to struggle with but he was fine. DD is the type to stick up for her big bro so it seems out of character.

OP posts:

Socci · 08/01/2007 22:41

Message withdrawn

thelittleElf · 08/01/2007 22:50

I worked/managed a nursery for many years, and so obviously have seenthis situation many times. The best thing you can do, is to say goodbye to her, tell her you are going off to do some jobs and will come back for her very soon. A quick hug and a kiss, then hand her over to her keyworker. I used to say to my parents, that sometimes i wished we had cctv or a one way mirror. Most of the time, children settle very quickly after their parents leave. So, be patient with her, try and be relaxed, and fingers crossed it won't be long before she's rushing YOU out of the door to get to nursery!
xx

Original poster

Mistymoo · 08/01/2007 22:52

We're in Scotland and they don't have keyworkers here. I will try to leave straight away tomorrow but it's so difficult when she's hanging on to me!!!!!

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whatkatydidntdo · 08/01/2007 22:57

quick kiss goodbye and get her involved in doing an activity then leave.

when you get to the car you can always give them a ring to see if she has settles.
My DS once screamed and held on to me so tight it left marks (he was 4) I walked (sobbing) to the end of the school drive and rang them to check he was ok. The secretary walked into the classroom to check and he was having a great time. (I could even hear him laughing (at me no doubt )

imaginaryfriend · 08/01/2007 22:59

It's awful isn't it mistymoo? My dd has never done the full blown crying thing at school / nursery but she tries every morning to get out of going and I've seen other kids in an awful state when their mum's try to leave. I can only reiterate what others have said - I think the little ones are in a transition between wanting to stay at home with their mum and wanting to move onto social situations with peers their own age and the more you waver about leaving her the more you're encouraging her to lean towards the former. I take a very brisk positive attitude to dd going to school, she's got to go, all kids go, etc. etc. Then get round the corner and burst into tears myself!

emkana · 08/01/2007 23:02

Mistymoo, you have my sympathy, it is so hard isn't it? My dd2 was terrible, absolutely terrible. At first I thought staying with her would help her settle in, but she actually got worse not better, so in the end I took her out for a while.
She started again last September, again it was bad, but this time I just left. They had to physically hold her back so she wouldn't run after me!
I did lots of bribery, promising treats if she didn't cry.

By half-term she was fine, went in happily with a smile.

Hang in there!

Original poster

Mistymoo · 08/01/2007 23:05

Thanks for all reponses. I think my main concern is that I'm back to work on Thursday and my mum is taking her and I'd feel bad if my mum has to deal with it too.

This is when I feel guilty about working 2 days a week.

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HEIFER · 08/01/2007 23:18

only bit of advice I can give is..

My DD went to preschool for the 1st time today and I thought she would be like your DD...

but I explained to her before we left home that I would be taking her and then coming home for a while..

when I went to leave her I kissed her goodbye and said I was going now is that ok (I expected her to want me to stay for a little while) but she said

I'm ok - you'll never far away mummy.

I have always told her that when ever I hve left her that I am never far away explained that I will be at home and it seems to have sunk in just when I needed her to understand it most...

She often asks DH to stay with her when he drops her off at nursery (shes goes 1 morning a week), but with me she seems to be ok.. I am sure because she know that I am never far away...

Hope it gets better for your DD tomorrow...

imaginaryfriend · 08/01/2007 23:18

You know what mistymoo? She might be just fine with your mum. I think kids particularly pull out all the stops with their own mums. And the fact is that she's got to do it sometime. Don't feel guilty.

Original poster

Mistymoo · 08/01/2007 23:25

Thanks Heifer. I tried all the explaining before hand thinking this would help. I'll just have to persevere.

One of the staff told me to stop telling her I'm going and to just sneak out but I'm not sure I agree with that.

You may be right imaginaryfriend, she may be fine for my mum.

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HEIFER · 08/01/2007 23:32

I agree mistymoo - I would never leave without DD knowing, I am sure that I would lose the trust we have built up..

I really do believe that it helped DD to know exactly what I would be doing and where I would be (although I think always good to tell them you will be at home etc, even if not as I once told DD I was going out somewhere and she wanted to come!)

Also the line (always said the same) I'm never far away really helped.. Try to say the same thing when you leave..

Also agree re your mum.. let us know who she gets on..

MrsJohnCusack · 08/01/2007 23:34

oooh I haven't had to do this yet but all the sensible advice I've ever read/heard says you MUST say goodbye and not just sneak off, so I think you are right not to agree with that. I wouldn't sneak off either, could really upset her.

sorry no tips but good luck

colditz · 08/01/2007 23:36

i have always told ds that i am going to do lothes shopping. This bores him stupid, so he would far rather stay at playschool.

Surfermum · 08/01/2007 23:36

Ooh no, I'd never sneak out. I always tell dd in advance if I'm going to leave her somewhere, and make sure I say goodbye and Mummy will be back later. I'd hate for her to think I'd left her and not know when/if I'd be back.

It's horrible isn't it Mistymoo? DD never cried but was really clingy at first at pre-school. She enjoyed it there, was fine when she got in the classroom, but she would cling like a limpet and say "I want to stay with you Mummy". . Now she runs in without a backwards glance.

hotandbothered · 08/01/2007 23:37

Mistymoo - don't sneak out or she may never trust you when you say you'll be back soon.
I had a similar problem with my dd. I used to tell her I was going to do my jobs which are VERY boring then I would come to pick her up and there would be a surprise for her...
Worked so well. She is still quiet when we get there, but I settle her or hand her over saying the same thing each time (going to do jobs etc) and she doesn't cry and loves loves loves nursery. It's just the separation thing which she struggles with.
The surprises range from : a new magazine, her favourite fruit, a trip to the park, ringing Granny, going to the library, very occasionally sweets, etc. Actually the hardest thing is thinking up the surprise - her favourite was a picture I drew her.
HTH - it does get easier...

Original poster

Mistymoo · 09/01/2007 12:53

Well ......

We got in OK. She gave her collection of bottle tops to the teacher! I settled her at the playdough table. I reminded her that daddy wanted a special picture and told her I was going home to clear a space so she could make her bracelet when she got home. She seemed fine. As I walked out the door I heard her crying but I kept walking and when I collected her the teacher said that she cried for less than a minute. I'm so relieved.

Was a bit concerned last night as she seems to be starting with a cold and didn't want her to miss nursery after having such a bad first day. She seems OK though.

OP posts:

HEIFER · 09/01/2007 13:11

Well done you and DD MistyMoo

Glad it was better..

You wait until next week - she will running in.. and then the week after she won't want to come home...

hotandbothered · 09/01/2007 15:23

Glad it went so well

spudballoo · 09/01/2007 15:34

Glad that she settled quickly today! My son is much younger, 16 months, but still cries every time I leave him at nursery and he's been going since 10 months. But it's SUCH fake crying, honeslty it's all for my benefit and it's over before I've even got to the door. I look back through and he's smiling and cuddling one of the staff. Cheeky!

Definitely a quick and decisive goodbye with a big smile and a wave is the way to go. My little boy is too young to understand but I make a habit of telling him what I'm going to do and when I'm coming back "See you later, Mummy's going to do the washing and I'll be back after you've had your tea". I'm told when they are older it helps them to understand what you're doing and to have a time for when you're coming back.

Hope she settles without tears for you very soon.

riab · 09/01/2007 15:55

You have to leave quickly, they do Cheer up honest! and if you stay you are just reinforcing the idea that its IS scary and they DO need you there.

DS gets upset if i do a goodbye thing so I take him into the room, help him decide what to play with first and give him a kiss, once he is playing I exchange a word or two with his key worker then say a 'goodbye see you later sweetheart' and LEAVE. I don't even go back over to him for more kisses, that just prolongs the whole thing.

Its not exactly sneaking out but I have left when his back was turned once or twice. He knows when we get to nursery that mom goes away for a bit, I say goodbye but then i don't think he needs reminding about it once he has transferred his attention to a game.

LittleSarah · 09/01/2007 16:12

Good advice here and good luck!

Slightly confused re keyworkers issue as we are in Scotland and my dd has one... but maybe that is just private nurseries?!

Original poster

Mistymoo · 09/01/2007 16:53

Littlesarah - the nursery that dd goes to is attatched to the local primary school. There are 3 members of staff with a nursery teacher who goes between the 3 yr old nursery and the 4. Have never heard of any of the local nurseries having keyworkers and I have done supply in some. Maybe it's just in our Local Authority Area that they don't.

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