Problem In-laws Shock Horror

[FamilyFool]

I am at the end of my Taylor. You couldn’t write this or believe it but my father-in-law has been saying his big break deal will happen next week then it doesn’t and it’s next week again. This great big deal. In the meantime we have subsidised him to pay the mortgage on his House and been paying it in £500 a month to pay the mortgage its now got to £27,000 I kid you not, before I said enough is enough, and he promised he will pay it back. This is five years ago now. in the meantime they have lost their house and are living with their son and wife. I found out today that my husband has paid another £900 to him and I think this is giving good money after bad and I am fuming. The mother is now in bad health query Alzheimer’s and the father is in poor Health too but still insisting his big deal will take off. It wont. what should I do? I’m fuming about near another thousand pound out of our joint bank account for nothing. I don’t want to upset my husband but he is totally out of order and we have to have them over for Christmas. What should I do to stop more money going out of our account and possibly claw some money back? repeat. this is real life it has been going on., wait for it, I can’t believe but its true, for 18 years. Weve had 18 years of next week next week and absolutely nothinh. obviously it’s a huge elephant in the room and we don’t want to involve BIL as we dont get on and he’s rude and grumpy all the time, even before all this.
It suits him as he loves all the attention of having his parents to himself. He’s a man child of 48. Weird as, I know, but I’ve had enough but my husband says they are not here for long so wants to appease his Dad and not upset his Mother. Am i being greedy or weird for wanting the money back. We have 2 children snd they’ve lost their inheritance and lost so much time & attention to this nonsense.
Help.
i haven’t said a word about this outside of the family as the whole thing is shameful.

Divorce? Why stay married to a man who's robbing you and his kids?

The problem is you don’t want to upset your husband but your husband is happy for you to be upset.

You have a husband problem.

Do you think? On one hand I think he’s been lovely to try and help his dad out and on the other am so annoyed we are subsidising this nonsense and we need the money ourselves!! It’s a right mess.

In the short term, open a current account in your own name and move your money there. You can do that online tonight (if you get off MN 😂). You don't need anyone's permission. Technically, since you're married, it's joint property but if your DH doesn't have the PIN he can't move the money. Only transfer enough to the joint account to cover your share of expenses.

Tomorrow, at work, give them your new account details so that your salary goes into the new account. People change bank accounts all the time so no one will bat an eyelid.

If there's enough in the joint account, transfer some money out to your new account to make up for your DH giving large sums to his parents.
Then, sit down and have a talk with DH and agree a new plan. He will probably still want to give money to his parents so work out how much is reasonable so that you have what your own family needs.

That sounds sensible but I want to rant and rave at him first as am so upset and annoyed. He promised me last time that we wouldn’t spend over £500 before getting it approved from the partner first ;(

Honestly if this has been going on for 18 years and you've given them £27,000 all I can say is more fool you! Why on earth have you gone along with this? They've lost their house and you won't be getting any of the money back. Open your own bank account and stop paying into the joint account. I'd be separating from your husband if I were you!

“we have to have them over for Christmas.”

Why do you “have” to have them over? I’d be telling DH that as he’d given away £900, that was the Christmas budget shot and that if he was going to give money to his parents after you’d agreed he wouldn’t then they wouldn’t be coming. You are absolutely right that DH is totally out of order - so what are you going to do about it?

Don't rant and rave.

Plan.

And listen to @tarheelbaby .

You have been a fool, but it's time to stop. You need to look after yourself and and children first.

Then when you've got yourself sorted, then you can rant and rave to your utter fool of a husband.

Thank you for your advice. Am still trying to process it all! 😢😢

It's a hell of a shock to process. I suspect this is only the start of a lot of reassessing you will be doing ...

@FamilyFool some joint bank accounts have joint signature mandates- every transaction needs approval from both parties - could you do this?

If you have been paying the mortgage for years, there must be quite a lot of equity in the house, which they will get (Have got ?) from the bank once they have sold the house.
If they have lived in that house for 18+ years, there must be over £27K in equity.

Divorce him and claim half the assets. Stop fundin g your father in law’s daydreams.

Thsbks but i said we helped for years before we stopped paying and they lost the house so have nothing left except a load of god knowd what in storage ;(

im not sure i understand. youre paying £500 a month to their mortgage on a house they had repossessed?

why are you still paying? they need to declare bankruptcy and thats it over? if they are living with family all they need is food money. so whats this latest £900 for?

i'd suggest they need an appointment with citizens advice with family present to navigate what needs doing now. it could be they are found to be not of soumd mind akd maybe some debt could be cancelled? i dont know how any of it works but keeping on the way you are is just sticking your heads in the sand. you are right. it needs to stop.

this “big break” crap sounds like a gambler. wonder if that’s what happened.

We paid £500 per month on their mortgage to keep their house (the mil never knew as fil said it would upset her).
I know it sounds far fetched and crazy and it is, but it’s also true.

because it was from a savings account I didn’t notice it going out as didn’t check regularly.

the house is gone now as another loaner/biz partner wanted their money back and the house was security. I don’t know full details but this is weird too. They had to pay £1k a day they were there over the reclaim, not sure why either. It’s all a mess.
on the one hand I feel so sorry for my husband and the kids inheritance and on the other I’m really angry with him for throwing good money after bad.

any other tips or suggestions?? It’s a massive elephant in the room
thanks x

Agree 💯

Stop ranting ing and raving and take control yourself. It’s the only way you’ll stop it. Sorry to be harsh, but it’s true.