ND, menopausal and reflecting on unbalanced friendships

[30DegreesHighAndRising]

Talk to me about your friendships please, especially if you have been a bit of a people pleaser/overly generous with your time, attention and/or money.

I'm menopausal, I have lots of acquaintances but few friends, I'm reflecting on a lack of balance in these friendships.

I'm feeling a bit unsettled and interested to hear from others who've been here.

I don't know if any of this resonates but I'll share my take on it. I've struggled enormously with friendships and thought it was a character defect rather than ND for the longest time. Because I was masking so furiously and had a tendency to fawn, and because friendship is so much more complicated to navigate than casual acquaintance, I just found maintaining friendships exhausting. It always ended up feeling like the friend was too needy or too demanding, and they wouldn't or couldn't understand if I needed space. Then I had to expend a load of emotional labour on reassuring them. Exhausting. I would end up allowing the friendship to fizzle out, which made me feel sad and like a failure. Menopause made it impossible to carry on masking and functioning at the level I had been before. Now I realise that I would like more ND friendships. And online friendships seem to work better for me.

I have a lot of dissatisfaction with my friendships.

I have a good partner, one good friend and one friend in the making (early days and promising). The others are more like acquaintances. I am disappointed the acquaintances have not become better friendships in spite of my efforts. I would say all of my friends and acquaintances have ND.

It's hugely frustrating. Making friends isn't easy for me. I have abandonment issues and I am rejection sensitive. It's taken a lot to reach out. And with the acquaintances it doesn't feel reciprocal hence they remain acquaintances.

I am perhaps demanding of friendships. I get frustrated with chit chat. I also want more friends to do activities with.

I am a people pleaser. Can be prone to lavish people with small gifts. I'm learning to back away from people who do not return the energy (I don't mean gifts, rather time). I have only so much energy and I'm tired of pouring it where it isn't valued/appreciated.

Frustration seems to be the word for me where relationships are concerned.

I have also outgrown a couple of friendships which doesn't help the situation.

And honestly, if I thought my partner would outlive me or I could afford a sort of ladies companion. I don't think I'd bother. I just want one really good companion.

Thanks everyone, this really resonates and gives me some things to think about.